Tag Archives: the double standard

Overheard conversations, or, why more women aren’t feminist

Another quickie from the I’m-still-sick-but-getting-better files:

I went to class last night, as I am wont to do on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Due to my chosen profession (massage therapy, for those new or not paying attention), my classes are, shall we say, somewhat skewed in favor of women. To wit, there is one man in each of my classes of 14 and 6 students total.

Anyway, I was talking at break with two of my (female) classmates, and I don’t remember how we got on the topic, but I pulled out an obvious-to-me radfem comment of some sort, which I was pleasantly surprised to have be moderately well accepted. As we were heading back to class, however, the topic continued, and comments were uttered along the lines of “they said we can do it all, but we just can’t”, and “men managed to run business just fine without us before” — not exactly shocking for those who listen to the anti- or non-feminists regularly, though I admit to having that moment of “wha??” since I’m not used to it, but on reflection, fairly revealing.

The gist of both comments was, to me, “In The Good Old Days, at least we only had to do/know/be responsible for ONE sphere, and men did their own. Now because we ‘can have it all’ we have to DO it all.” That’s surely a sentiment I can sympathize with. And these were both women who had gone to college as a matter of course, one new to the state after being un(der)employed for several years, one switching careers after many years in a male-dominated field. Women who have benefited from feminism, but are still getting the short end from the patriarchy; and they are, not without some justification, feeling abandoned or abused by feminism.

I’ve posted before that I think we must bring men in to the domestic sphere (and up its status, which is just two sides of the same coin), in order to acheive anything like real equality. While we simply must continue blaming the patriarchy and pointing out its insidious influence on our lives, we also need to shift our message some, because neither “get the hell out of the house and get a job” nor “anything you choose is feminist because it’s All About Choice ™” is appealing to, nor helpful for, these women. They need to hear that women have always gotten shafted, and that even though we’ve made some advances we know they’re still getting shafted, and here’s what we need to do to get men working their fair share and to build a village where no one gets shafted anymore, and won’t you come join us? Sure, it’s yet more work, but it’s work for a really good cause, and by the way, feel free to bring your beau, your brother, your father, your son, ’cause we have a thing or two they need to hear too…

Until they get that message, I have a feeling they’re going to remain bitter, when they could be our best allies. And I honestly can’t blame them.

3 Comments | Posted on 4 February 2009 by Arwyn | Category: Body, Kyriarchy | Tags: domesticity, Gender, I'm not a feminist but..., massage, patriarchy, the double standard

Like this? Share it:

Closer to understanding the domestic goddess

Those who have been paying attention know that The Man and I are attempting a 1-month no-spend challenge, the largest change for us being not eating out at all (excepting Chipotle once a weekend because hey, it’s hungry work shopping for a whole week, and it’s Chipotle). In attempting this, I have gone from cooking less than, on average, 15% of our meals (The Man cooked most of the other 85%, at least of dinners), to cooking rather more than 50%, simply because I’m the one home during the day.

In doing so, I believe I have discovered at least part of why the domestic goddess phenomenon is so popular. (Just to reiterate, I’m all in favor of upping the status of the domestic, and I do stay at home during the day, but there’s a phenomenon I’m not a part of in which staying home and raising the kids and keeping the house is the entirety of what one [a woman, generally] does and takes pride in. I’ve long been confused by it, having been raised by a mostly second-wave feminist WOHM, for all that I travel in the same social spheres as many who embrace the title, and have much in common with them.)

The Man and I have long maintained that in an ideal world, we would both be parenting the Boychick 50/50, even if I did all the milk-giving. Given that we do not live in an ideal world, his job 40 hours a week is to go earn money so we as a family can stay fed and housed, and my job during those 40 hours a week is to keep the Boychick and myself alive and (preferably) sane. Anything on top of that is non-obligatory and not expected. Everything else — the cooking, the cleaning, the house maintenance, the shopping, the getting the fuck out of the house– is stuff we try to do together, or at least split fairly (and him doing most of the cooking and washing the dishes is SO fair, because… it just is!). This has long worked for us.

But here I am, cooking during the day so we eat at home come evening. Chicken makhani with curried veggies, beef stew with garlic croutons, spaghetti with garlic bread, apple chicken with quinoa, no-knead bread with everything, stuffed squash, beans and rice, roast chicken, and more scones and cookies and muffins and bars than one should have in an entire year, all made at home, from scratch (even the croutons), mostly by me. And you know what? My days are kinda easier. I have, for the love of God/dess, something to do.

And I think that’s it. That’s why, when women are handed the vast burden of the childrearing by a society that says children and work can’t mix and men don’t matter in the early years, so many of us turn to being a Good Housewife, or better yet a Domestic Goddess (the good housewife for the new millennium). It gives her something to do other than stare at her (unbelievably beautiful and talented and adorable) child(ren), a purpose — keeping the hearth, 21st century-style — and a standard by which she can measure her success in real-time, not just wait around until her kids are 20, 40, 80, and declare, if they turned out right (whatever the hell that means), that she was a Good Mother, and It Was All Worth It.

Because really, am I doing my kid any favors spending half the day trying not to lose my temper with him, not because he’s bad or is doing anything wrong, but just because I can’t take it any more? I don’t know. I believe so, I believe that fostering attachment and providing milk and giving him the freedom to just run and play and cuddle and be free of time pressures and peer pressures and grow-up pressures is good for him, but I don’t know. What I do know is that in the last month I’ve made food that has sustained and been enjoyed by my family, helped us meet our budget, helped us pay off debt so home and working-car ownership is a possibility somewhere just over the horizon. I know I’ve made something, done something substantial and important, even if it is now nothing more than a memory and a sewage smear somewhere; and it feels pretty darn good.

It’s an awfully seductive proposition, turning that sensation in to a vocation, and I think I have more understanding now for why so many do it.

6 Comments | Posted on 26 January 2009 by Arwyn | Category: Body, Parenting | Tags: domesticity, fathering, Gender, gender roles, Health, the double standard

Like this? Share it:

Are you a good parent? quiz memes, or, the always-good-for-a-chuckle double standards in parenting

I ran across this meme today, which is both funny and incredibly sad and telling about our society (spelling as in original, author unknown):

With all the conflicting parenting advice out there, it’s difficult to know whether you’re a good parent or a bad parent. Take this handy quiz to find out once and for all.
Keep track of your answers on a post-it and total your score at the end. Won’t it be a relief to know whether or not you’re a bad mom?

1. How many hours per week does your child spend in daycare?
A. None. I’m a stay-at-home mom.
B. 40 or more. I work full-time.
C. About 20. I work half-time.

2. Where does your baby sleep
A. In a crib.
B. In my bed.
C. In a co-sleeper.

3. Do you allow your child to watch television?
A. Yes.
B. No.

4. Has your child been vaccinated?
A. Yes.
B. No.

5. How many scheduled activities (storytimes, lessons, classes or playgroups) does your child attend each week?
A. None
B. One or more.

ANSWERS:
1. Day Care.
A: Stay at home mom. You are a bad mom. Your child will be poorly socialized, will lack verbal skills, and will become horribly ill during kindergarten because he or she has never been exposed to germs.
B: Full-time working mom. You are a bad mom. Your child will have an attachment disorder. You are missing the best years of his or her life.
C: Part-time working mom. You are the worst mom. Your child will suffer attachment issues, be poorly socialized, lack verbal skills and will be sick as a dog forever.

2. Sleeping arrangements.
A: Baby sleeps in a crib. You are a bad mom. How could you put your child in a cage to sleep? What’s wrong with you?
B: Baby sleeps in your bed. You are a bad mom. How could you risk rolling onto your child and killing her? What’s wrong with you?
C: Baby sleeps in a co-sleeper. You are a bad mom. How could you waste so much money on that ridiculous co-sleeper? Is it because you read about it in Dr. Sears? You won’t be able to afford to send your child to college.

3. Television
Yes. You are a bad mom. Your child will be violent, mouthy, and unpleasant. He or she will whine for every candy and toy they see the next time you go to the store.
No. You are a bad mom. Your child will lack reading skills and will have nothing to talk with other children about. You are raising a freak.

4. Vaccinations.
A: Yes. You are a bad mom. How could you do that to a helpless baby who cannot consent to being experimented on by the public health system?
B: No. You are a bad mom. How could you do that to a helpless baby whose immune system can’t fight off all those germs?

5. Activities.
A: None. You are a bad mom. Your child will fall behind his or her peers and never catch up if you don’t head over to the children’s theatre production of “Apocalypse Now” this weekend.
B: One or more. You are a bad mom. Your child is overscheduled and will suffer a breakdown due to the stress you’re putting on him or her. You’re probably doing Suzuki, aren’t you?

Brought to you by the folks at Parenting, Mothering, Time, Newsweek, The Today Show, Babycenter.com, Wonder Time, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, Your Pregnancy Week by Week, your pediatrician, your obstetrition, your mother, your mother-in-law, and that awful psycho in the elevator who knows better than you how you should be raising your kids.

(Note that Mothering, the magazine I volunteer for, got a shout out. Note also that when they said “find out if you’re a good parent”, they meant good mom.)

I was then inspired to write a complementary quiz for fathers:

The good dad/bad dad quiz:

1. How much time per week do you spend in the same room with your child(ren)?
A) 0 — I work 100 hours per week and travel more than 50%
B) 3-5
C) 24/7 — I am a stay at home dad

2. Where does your baby sleep?
A) In his own room in a crib
B) In bed with the wife
C) In bed with both of us

3. How many diapers have you changed in your child’s life?
A) 0-1, but I made sure the little woman always did it within 4 hours of the kid dropping a load
B) 50-100
C) About once a day when I was home

4. If divorced, do you pay child support?
A) Yes, the minimum amount
B) Yes, when I can afford it after the widescreen tv payments
C) No, I got out of it and use the money to pay for my new, blond, wife and our two new children

5. What do you know about your children?
A) Their names, their friends, their friends’ parents, the number for their school or daycare, their dietary likes and dislikes, their vaccine schedule (or all the reasons why they are not vaccinated), the date of their next dentist, pediatrician, and music lesson appointments, and what they really want for their birthday
B) Their names, a couple of their friends’ names, the type of instrument they play, and what they want for their birthday
C) Their names… usually

Tally up your answers:

Time with kids:
A) None–you are a good dad, because you work so hard to provide for them.
B) 3-5 hrs/week–you are a good dad, because that’s more than your father spent with you
C) SAH–you are a Super Dad!

Sleep arrangements
A) In a crib in their own room–you are a good dad for putting your foot down and insisting the little woman separate from the leech
B) In bed with the wife–you are a good dad for sacrificing your own needs to meet your baby’s
C) In bed with both of you–you are a Super Dad!

Diaper changing
A) 0-1–you are a good dad for making sure the little woman does it
B) 50-100–you are a good dad for occasionally giving the little woman a hand
C) Once a day–you are a Super Dad!

Child Support
A) Yes–you are a Super Dad!
B) Yes, sometimes–you are a good dad for pitching in when you can
C) No, due to new family–you are a good dad to the new kids for saving your money for them, and a good dad to the old kids for providing them with siblings!

Kid trivia
A) Know it all–you’re lying
B) Know some–you’re a good dad, because you know the important stuff
C) Know their names–you’re a good dad, because at least you stuck around long enough to hear their names

Brought to you by the patriarchy and every exclamatory comment over how fabulous it is when a dad actually does some small thing to parent his kids.