Tag Archives: polyamory

NPFP Guest Post: Betrayal: a Letter to My Mom

Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone, whether blogger or reader only, is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing me at arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.

Betrayal: a Letter to My Mom

Did you know it was a betrayal? That your words were a painful slice against some deep part of me that hadn’t even had a chance to bloom? Your words crushed something in me I hadn’t even had a chance to discover.

Did you know those careless, heartless words would echo from your lips, and echo in my head for years, cutting off a piece of me and choking it to death?

Did you know (could you ever know?) that as you said those words – those painful, cutting words – that I had to create an argument against them, a rock solid counter to your statement? It was “just in case,” but really, if I’m honest, it was because I knew who I was even then.

I knew that with all your openness I was and am today the one thing you shut the door on; slamming me into a closet of fear, of denial, of taking the “easy” road of silence, of pretending this would pass or wasn’t real or was something else, of hiding. Somehow I let the one person who should have been able to love me no matter what lock me in a closet where I couldn’t breathe or just be myself.

Mom, those words cut like knives, weighed me down so that I hid for ten years. Maybe it was more; maybe it was less. I hid inside myself, I got by, I did what I was supposed to, and slowly – years after anyone not in my place would have forgotten those words entirely – I felt my heart cracking from the dissonance.

I’m not who you think I am. I’m still me, but I’m different. It’s an awkward feeling. So much of me is the same and yet that one little part I hid away feels huge. It’s as if I hid away a seed, just a tiny speck of what might be, and when I finally opened up the door to take a peek at it, it had grown into a full fledged plant. It was something real and deep and multidimensional, brightly showing me it was time to be me.

I’m bisexual, Mom, and I’ve spent too long being afraid to say that. I’ve been afraid because my mother whom I love, who claims to be open minded and not judgmental, essentially told me if I claimed that part of myself I couldn’t possibly be monogamous. I want to tell her I have nothing against polygamy if it works for the people involved, but that’s an entirely different thing and has nothing to do with me or who I’m attracted to.

I like guys, I like girls, and sometimes I like girly guys and butch girls. It’s simply part of who I am. There are still very few people I’ve come out to – I have you and others who judge what they don’t know to thank for that, Mom – but I’m finally “out” to the most important person; me.

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Please support the Naked Pictures of Faceless People project by commenting on the posts. Comments which attack or attempt to guess the identity or any aspect of the identity of the blogger will be deleted, however. Protect and respect this space as though it were your own work on display here, naked and faceless.

Anonymous comments are welcome on NPFP posts. Simply put “Anonymous” or any pseudonym in Name, and either your own or a fake email addresses (ex me@me.com) as the email. NOTE: If you have a Gravatar associated with your email address, it will show up even with an anonymous name, in which case please use a different or a fake email address. If you do use a fake email address, and do not see your comment approved within 12 hours, please email me, as I may have to retrieve it from the spam filter.

NPFP Guest Post: Marriage, Redefined

Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing me at arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.

Marriage, Redefined

As far as anyone can tell, we are a typical family.

We’re a middle class couple living in the suburbs with three kids. He drives a sedan, I a minivan. He has a white collar job, I stay at home. Our children would best be described as well-adjusted, bright and happy. We volunteer at the school, around the neighborhood, in our community. By exterior appearances alone, we are normal to the point of boring.

But everyone has a secret, do they not?

Ours is that we have an open marriage. And it works, too. In fact, I would argue that it works better than if we were monogamous.

We weren’t always so non-traditional. We were high school sweethearts, and for the first several years of our relationship, I was completely opposed to anything other than the norm: two people together, and that should be enough. Anything beyond fantasizing about a movie star was strictly off limits. I believed a lot of the misinformation out there about open marriages: The only person who benefits is the man, the woman only does it to make her partner happy and/or try to save the marriage, and it will surely – beyond a doubt – destroy your relationship.

So far, I’ve found none of these things to be true.

I was the one who brought up the idea of swinging – the term that best fits our marital lifestyle – eight years ago. I had always been curious about women, and thought I might be bisexual, but had never had the opportunity to have an experience with another female before becoming a wife and mother. My partner certainly wasn’t opposed to the idea, and was willing to let me try this on my own if that was more comfortable for me.

But I wanted it to be our experience, as a couple. We found just the right person – a long time friend of ours who has been in a successful open marriage for years – and had a great time. It wasn’t awkward, it didn’t put stress on our relationship, and it seemed to emphasize our strengths: Trust, honesty and communication. Without those, we couldn’t sleep with other people. However, without those, I wouldn’t want to anyway. Feeling secure and loved is essential in any marriage, but especially in an open one.

So, why do we do it? I don’t do it to please him, nor he to please me, or to save a marriage that needs no saving. We love each tremendously, and agree that if either of us ever wants to go back to a monogamous lifestyle, we’ll do it without question.

We look swinging as an extension of our already amazing sex life. Bringing other people into the bedroom on occasion (and those occasions are fairly rare due to how busy our lives are and because we don’t often go out looking for new opportunities) is, to us, a lot like using sex toys, watching porn, or telling each other fantasies. It’s another way to spice things up and share something new and exciting together. I have had the opportunity to sleep with a few other people without my husband present, but I much prefer to have him there. We both agree, however, that having the option be intimate without the other spouse – after clearing it with the other person first, of course – feels liberating, even if seldom used.

I don’t think we’re any better or worse than other couples because we have an open relationship, nor do I believe this is a lifestyle that would suit everyone. However, in an age where the divorce rate is sky high and people are feeling more disconnected from each other than ever, maybe we need to be more open-minded about our definition of marriage.

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Please support the Naked Pictures of Faceless People project by commenting on the posts. Comments which attempt to guess the identity or any aspect of the identity of the blogger will be deleted, however. Protect and respect this space as though it were your own work on display here, naked and faceless.

Anonymous comments are welcome on NPFP posts. Simply put “Anonymous” or any pseudonym in Name, and either your own or a fake email addresses (ex me@me.com) as the email. NOTE: If you have a Gravatar associated with your email address, it will show up even with an anonymous name! In which case please use a different or a fake email address.