In many ways, unemployment is great for our family. The Man is around throughout the day, which is our ideal. We all sleep in and wake up together, and he gets to experience the joys of first hugs and kisses of the day. He gets up and showers with the Boychick in the morning, and we’re both around to tag-team on rough days. There’s a pace to the day that isn’t there when he’s working, based on our own rhythms and desires and goals rather than having to follow an externally-imposed schedule. Under other circumstances, this would be the ideal life, and regardless of circumstances, we’re going to embrace and enjoy every moment of it we can.
Of course, in many other ways, unemployment is not-so-great for us. The stress of the job loss and the job hunt make The Man short-tempered, and since raising a two-year-old is challenging at the best of times, much of his frustration gets vented at the Boychick. This in turn triggers me, remembering a father who yelled too much and with too little reason, and I become short tempered with him. The Boychick, emotional weather vane that he is, picks up all our stress and the change in schedules and is even more challenging than usual. And overlaying (underlying?) even the most joyful moments is the fear: fear that this is permanent, fear that he won’t get a new job, fear that our time in sub/urban self-sufficiency is over, fear that we won’t be able to provide even the simple life we wanted for our child.
But ideal or not-so-great, it is what it is. Different facets of ourselves shine — or not — under different circumstances, but all are there at all times; the unemployment is only a mirror, reflecting what has always been there: Anger under stress. Fear projecting. Joyful togetherness. Grace-full pace. I love some of what I see, and loathe some of it, just as I love and loathe myself, just as I will be loved and loathed by the Boychick in turns as he grows.
It’s easy and dangerous to get into the nauseating, schmaltzy, victim-blaming, positive-thinking trap, where all we allow ourselves to see is the good, the perfect job is around the corner, and unicorns poop rainbow skittles. But it’s also easy and dangerous (possibly easier and even more dangerous for me) to get into the ugly, dark, self-blaming, negative-thinking trap, where all we allow ourselves to see is the bad, he’ll never get a job, and all flowers are just thorny weeds. The truth, the sane path, lies in between. The truth is there is good and bad in unemployment; the truth is we’ll be ok, one way or another. The truth is, the good and the bad are both always there, and it’s up to us to choose to embrace it all, or not; to live in the moment, or live in our own fantasy (or nightmare).
I promised a cute kid pic, didn’t I? Here: I could choose to only remember that he was the Cranky Screaming Toddler of Doom the day this was taken; or, I could choose to forget that he was ever anything other than the heart-meltingly adorable angel he is in the photo. Instead, I choose to remember that my Cranky Screaming Toddler of Doom is a heart-meltingly adorable kiddo, and I can love him all the better for seeing all of him:
(I promise I’ll get back to hard-punching feminist vitriol again soon, and hope you’ll forgive my self-indulgent introspection in the meantime. Cross your fingers The Man gets employed again soon, so I can spend less time crafting cover letters and playing by the patriarchy’s rules, and more time deconstructing those rules and cornering the kyriarchy. Else you’ll be reading more angst and pep-talks, and none of us want that.)
Quick update, having nothing to do with feminism
My fabulous mom gifted us with a lovely new/refurbished laptop, on which I have spent the last 3+ hours working on resume creation for The Man (and there’s still 34%/1.5hours’ charge remaining! woohoo!). So, no longer looking for a laptop but still looking for a techie job in the Portland area. Y’know, in case you have one lying around. (That’s a joke. Mostly. Probably wasn’t funny the first time, and likely a little pathetic now.)
Plus side: I now have a laptop, available to me during the day, on which I can compose and finish blog posts (of which I have many drafts sitting in my queue). Down side: all my screen-time energy is likely going to be going in other directions for a while.
Here’s where I’d ordinarily put in some in-lieu-of-content links, but I’ve also fallen ridiculously behind in my blog reading the past week or two as well. So instead, teasers: posts I have partially written, or want to write, or am considering writing:
Plus I have thoughts on the adorableness of my child singing “My kitty cat and I love her!” (music and lyrics by the Boychick, 2009), female techie geekitude, when a “tv-free” child knows both the Doctor and the TARDIS, and so much more. And if any of the above jump out at you as something you’d be especially interested in reading, let me know. But right now, my head is swimming with phrases like “results-oriented”, “extensive experience”, “superior technical services”, and so on and so forth, and I’m not sure anything I write now would be fit for public consumption. But soon, I promise. For a relative value of soon…
Support, encouragement, and mild
harassmentprodding always appreciated.