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The patriarchy loves the mommy wars

Dawn at this woman’s work has an interesting post up about should-ing on an already overwhelmed mother. She framed it as those self-righteous LLLers (these, I should say, as she was one of them) versus a woman who just needed to hear that CIO (the act of leaving a baby alone to “cry it out” as a method of sleep training) was just fine in her situation.

I take objection to this, yes in part because I am a “self-righteous LLL-type” who believes that CIO is harmful (to infants, to their parents, and to the adults they grow into), but mostly because I think the situation thus framed misses the point.

The point? US society hates women, and alternatingly exalts (without offering any actual support), hates, and ignores mothers. Anytime an issue like this is framed as an individual choice issue, while neglecting to point out the ways in which the patriarchy has forced women in to this bind in the first place, we’re supporting the patriarchy and its lies about women and mothers and parenting.

The point here should not be to tsk the LLL women for failing to encourage a harmful practice, nor to applaud the woman for taking care of her own needs so she doesn’t endanger her children; the point should be that in a sane society, no way would a woman with three children under five be expected to care for them essentially on her own, with a “partner” in the picture only enough to pay the bills. Of course she’s exhausted, and of course she shouldn’t be shamed or blamed for doing something — the only thing available to her — to get enough sleep to stay sane and able to function during the day. But it’s criminal that she was put in that position in the first place; there should be parental leave and daycare subsidies and mother’s helpers and community resources available to make sure she and her infant got the sleep and the care they needed and deserved.

And I know I just railed against placing individual blame, but now let me encourage individual responsibility by saying that “community” can and must (for the patriarchy surely isn’t going to step up to the plate) start with us. Rather than condemning or encouraging an individual “choosing” CIO, why don’t concerned community members pitch in to make it unnecessary? In this situation, the LLL members could have offered to take her other children for a few afternoons so she could sleep when the baby napped. They could have pitched together to bring her dinners for her family and cleaned her house while her partner was out of town to take some of her burdens off. The truly radical could have offered to take the baby overnight to nurse for her so she could have a night of blissful, restorative, uninterrupted sleep. And regardless of what this woman did, they could spend a couple hours every month sending letters and calling their representatives — or the HR departments of local businesses! — to make sure their money went where their mouths are to support real family friendly policies.

The point of this isn’t to turn around and shame the LLL ladies, who were only trying to do their best, as was the mom of three, but to attempt to reframe the conversation. All too often we see this as a mommy war issue — sanctimonious APers v pragmatic CIOers — on which we are supposed to take “sides”, without anyone taking issue with the whole mommy war idea to start with. I will never stop saying CIO is harmful, but there’s a whole universe of ways to support women without compromising on that issue; we just have to start taking a broader, and dare I say more political, view first. Stop blaming individuals, either way: start blaming the patriarchy.

7 Comments | Posted on 11 March 2009 by Arwyn | Category: Kyriarchy, Parenting | Tags: attachment parenting, attachment theory, family un-friendly, misogyny, patriarchy, sleep, societal pressures

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The USA is misogynist and anti-family, or, I am not a SAHM

I am not one of those feminists who think women must be engaged in paid employment to be fulfilled.

I am not one of those feminists who thinks a woman’s highest calling and only pursuit necessary for fulfillment is mothering.

I do not believe in gender essentialism; I do not believe formula freed women.

I am not a SAHM; I just spend the day taking care of my kid.

This might sound like another one of my contradictions, but — oh wait, it is, because they’re not contradictory at all, just nuanced. Here’s the thing: I believe in attachment theory (in about the same the way as I believe in the theory of gravity). I believe breastmilk is a birthright of every child, barring rare and unfortunate circumstances. I believe daycares are not bad, but villages are better. And given all this, I believe the US of A is a really crappy place to raise a kid.

It’s not that I think having a parent at home full time is the best for children: I don’t. I really don’t, actually, and this is one of the biggest reasons why I am not comfortable with that label. But I think the ideal parenting situations — where children are welcome in the real world, where work and life are not strictly segregated, where there are lots of loving family and friends close-by long-term, where the motherbaby unit is acknowledged as one, where the importance of attachment is recognized — don’t exist in my life. Or anyone’s life that I know of. So we have to make compromises; for me, for our family, this is the best compromise for the time being. The Boychick needs to be close to his parent(s), he needs access to the breast, he needs to be a part of someone’s life, observing and learning from the world, and me being with him during the day is the way we try to best meet the majority of those needs.

But it’s not our ideal.

For all the lip-service (and there is much!) that the USA gives to “family” and “motherhood”, we offer an amazing dearth of real, practical support. There is no guarantee of health care for parents or child; no, not even for pregnant women, for all that we supposedly are so against pregnancy termination because it’s a crime against the unborn. The parental leave, when one has access to any, is laughable (if I didn’t laugh, I’d start crying — as I did when the Boychick’s father went back to work at three weeks postpartum, before I’d even stopped bleeding). Only a tiny minority of companies have any kind of on-site daycare available, and disturbingly few are supportive of pumping at work, much less bringing in a sleepy sling baby to nurse while working.

So given the dearth of options available, along with my partner’s high earning potential and my current lack of any, I take care of the child while my partner works. In a sane society, one that didn’t demand everything of women without offering anything to help, I would have more options for paid employment or meaningful pursuits, either in or near my house or where I could bring my child along. In a sane society, perhaps I would be at home still, but perhaps so would my partner; or, it would be understood that this was a short part of my child’s life, and in 3-5 years I would be engaged in other activities. In a sane society, I would not be defined by my family’s choices in my child’s infancy. In a sane society, I would be a person first, a woman second, and a mother third. In a sane society, my work as a volunteer moderator and my studies as a student would be recognized and honored, instead of ignored because they are unpaid and take place outside of 8-5.

But this is an insane society. So I am home (or out and about, but otherwise unemployed) during the day with my child. But I’m still not a SAHM.