Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone, whether blogger or reader only, is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing me at arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.
Will You Love the New Baby More than Me?
It’s the kind of things small children worry about, not their parents. But here I am, pregnant, and worried that my in-laws will love this baby more than our first.
My husband is an only child. His family moved quite a bit. His family made it very clear starting shortly after our wedding that they expected us to give them grandchildren – that we owed his grandmother babies to play with since he hadn’t been around for her to dote on as an infant; that we owed his parents the baby girl they’d wanted but never had.
When we started pursuing fertility treatments, we said nothing. Smart-ass comments met every question about when we were giving them grandchildren. A friend of theirs came to visit with a little girl she’d adopted a year or so before, and my in-laws spoiled her rotten… and proceeded to berate us further about not giving them a baby girl. When it got to be too much that evening, I finally said that we were considering adoption. That stopped my father-in-law in his tracks, and his response was that their friend was very lucky, and we had to be careful if we were going to adopt, “because you never know what you’ll get.”
My response was that you didn’t really know what you were getting with your own child either, but he brushed me off as being silly. Looking back, that should have been a clue right there.
After 5 years, including a couple of breaks and a consult with the world’s least sympathetic reproductive endocrinologist, I got pregnant. We told our parents right away, and told them we weren’t telling anyone else yet. The following weekend, I was 6 weeks pregnant, and we traveled to a family gathering in a small town a few hours away, only to discover that my father-in-law had told everyone in his entire hometown that we were having a baby.
I knew only a handful of people there, but more than half of the attendees stopped to congratulate us and to ask the age old questions – boy or girl, due date, names, etc. Seriously, I was six weeks pregnant, just getting hit with all-day morning sickness on the trip, and we didn’t even know most of these people, yet here they were, asking questions that really, there was no answer for.
My in-laws continued throughout the pregnancy, suggesting names based on the most embarrassing nicknames they could come up with, and making comments about how they’d be more than happy to babysit immediately upon birth, if not sooner. They wanted us to have a girl so they could buy dresses more appropriate for pageants than babies. They wanted us to at least partially formula feed so they could feed the baby too. When our ultrasound said it was a girl, they were ecstatic.
Imagine their horror then when complications resulted in an emergency c-section very early in the pregnancy. When they arrived at the hospital, their only concern was when they could see “their” baby – keeping in mind that I was so sick I did not see my baby for more than two days.
And then we had the audacity to tell them “by the way, the ultrasound was wrong, It’s a Boy!” Their dreams were crushed, and you could see it in their eyes.
During my recovery in the hospital, my in-laws accused me of being rude for being too sick to carry on conversations with them. They were angry that the hospital had rules for the NICU and thought the rules shouldn’t apply to them. Their visits became rarer as they realized the nurses meant business, and even when they did come, they stood back in the corner, terrified of the equipment and alarms.
Over the years, it’s not gotten any better with them – we have a pretty smart child with some physical challenges. Grandma and grandpa would not hold him when he was finally big enough to hold, and are now upset that as a busy toddler he doesn’t want to be picked up by people who he’s not comfortable with. They wouldn’t learn CPR when he was about to come home from the hospital, and they were horrified that we expected them to learn to care for his physical needs if they wanted to babysit (they haven’t learned, so they haven’t babysat, and no longer seem interested in doing so). They only come to visit for holidays, and they’ve actually never called to check on him when he’s had surgery – and he’s had 5 surgeries over his short life. They’ve said to him, “well, we’d like you to come visit, but maybe when you are bigger and need less attention.”
And now, here I am, pregnant again. Will this be the perfect little girl they so desperately want? If so, what does that mean for my son and his tentative relationship with them? Would they love her more just because she was the baby they wanted but didn’t have, and how differently would they treat the two?
And if this child is not “perfect” – and let’s not even get into defining that – I suppose it depends on how it works out, because it’s obvious from things they’ve said that they see a hierarchy of disabilities. Apparently they see it as a blessing that at least their grandson is towards the top of the food chain – he can see, he seems cognitively intact, he’s not in a wheelchair. They’ve made comments about other children in his favorite signing videos – amazement that “kids like that” can learn sign language or even have any sense of meaningful communication.
Their bigotry goes further though. They’ve told us that they’re glad we didn’t adopt – glad he didn’t come from some foreign country, glad his skin color is the same as theirs, glad his mother wasn’t “some crackhead”. They’re very pleased that, as far as they can tell, he’s “all boy”; we’ve been asked not to dress him in anything too girly, even for Halloween, for fear of turning him gay, because that would be horrible, as far as they’re concerned.
What a sad world they must live in to see things this way, and to not have learned that all children start out the same, and they all deserve our love. How sad that they’re missing out on our amazingly cute, opinionated little boy and his wicked sense of humor; that their promise in his first days of going to the park to play has not materialized….even though the park is one of his favorite places to go.
In any case, we already love this new baby as much as we love our son – I’d prefer a full term healthy baby and a complication free pregnancy, but if not… we’ll play the hand we’ve been dealt, just as we have with our son, doing the best we can to get everything this child needs to succeed in life.
I just hope I never have to figure out how to explain why it seems that grandma and grandpa love one of them more than the other.
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