Tag Archives: ableism

Naked Pictures of Faceless People: Will You Love the New Baby More than Me?

Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone, whether blogger or reader only, is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing me at arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.

Will You Love the New Baby More than Me?

It’s the kind of things small children worry about, not their parents. But here I am, pregnant, and worried that my in-laws will love this baby more than our first.

My husband is an only child. His family moved quite a bit. His family made it very clear starting shortly after our wedding that they expected us to give them grandchildren – that we owed his grandmother babies to play with since he hadn’t been around for her to dote on as an infant; that we owed his parents the baby girl they’d wanted but never had.

When we started pursuing fertility treatments, we said nothing. Smart-ass comments met every question about when we were giving them grandchildren. A friend of theirs came to visit with a little girl she’d adopted a year or so before, and my in-laws spoiled her rotten… and proceeded to berate us further about not giving them a baby girl. When it got to be too much that evening, I finally said that we were considering adoption. That stopped my father-in-law in his tracks, and his response was that their friend was very lucky, and we had to be careful if we were going to adopt, “because you never know what you’ll get.”

My response was that you didn’t really know what you were getting with your own child either, but he brushed me off as being silly. Looking back, that should have been a clue right there.

After 5 years, including a couple of breaks and a consult with the world’s least sympathetic reproductive endocrinologist, I got pregnant. We told our parents right away, and told them we weren’t telling anyone else yet. The following weekend, I was 6 weeks pregnant, and we traveled to a family gathering in a small town a few hours away, only to discover that my father-in-law had told everyone in his entire hometown that we were having a baby.

I knew only a handful of people there, but more than half of the attendees stopped to congratulate us and to ask the age old questions – boy or girl, due date, names, etc. Seriously, I was six weeks pregnant, just getting hit with all-day morning sickness on the trip, and we didn’t even know most of these people, yet here they were, asking questions that really, there was no answer for.

My in-laws continued throughout the pregnancy, suggesting names based on the most embarrassing nicknames they could come up with, and making comments about how they’d be more than happy to babysit immediately upon birth, if not sooner. They wanted us to have a girl so they could buy dresses more appropriate for pageants than babies. They wanted us to at least partially formula feed so they could feed the baby too. When our ultrasound said it was a girl, they were ecstatic.

Imagine their horror then when complications resulted in an emergency c-section very early in the pregnancy. When they arrived at the hospital, their only concern was when they could see “their” baby – keeping in mind that I was so sick I did not see my baby for more than two days.

And then we had the audacity to tell them “by the way, the ultrasound was wrong, It’s a Boy!” Their dreams were crushed, and you could see it in their eyes.

During my recovery in the hospital, my in-laws accused me of being rude for being too sick to carry on conversations with them. They were angry that the hospital had rules for the NICU and thought the rules shouldn’t apply to them. Their visits became rarer as they realized the nurses meant business, and even when they did come, they stood back in the corner, terrified of the equipment and alarms.

Over the years, it’s not gotten any better with them – we have a pretty smart child with some physical challenges. Grandma and grandpa would not hold him when he was finally big enough to hold, and are now upset that as a busy toddler he doesn’t want to be picked up by people who he’s not comfortable with. They wouldn’t learn CPR when he was about to come home from the hospital, and they were horrified that we expected them to learn to care for his physical needs if they wanted to babysit (they haven’t learned, so they haven’t babysat, and no longer seem interested in doing so). They only come to visit for holidays, and they’ve actually never called to check on him when he’s had surgery – and he’s had 5 surgeries over his short life. They’ve said to him, “well, we’d like you to come visit, but maybe when you are bigger and need less attention.”

And now, here I am, pregnant again. Will this be the perfect little girl they so desperately want? If so, what does that mean for my son and his tentative relationship with them? Would they love her more just because she was the baby they wanted but didn’t have, and how differently would they treat the two?

And if this child is not “perfect” – and let’s not even get into defining that – I suppose it depends on how it works out, because it’s obvious from things they’ve said that they see a hierarchy of disabilities. Apparently they see it as a blessing that at least their grandson is towards the top of the food chain – he can see, he seems cognitively intact, he’s not in a wheelchair. They’ve made comments about other children in his favorite signing videos – amazement that “kids like that” can learn sign language or even have any sense of meaningful communication.

Their bigotry goes further though. They’ve told us that they’re glad we didn’t adopt – glad he didn’t come from some foreign country, glad his skin color is the same as theirs, glad his mother wasn’t “some crackhead”. They’re very pleased that, as far as they can tell, he’s “all boy”; we’ve been asked not to dress him in anything too girly, even for Halloween, for fear of turning him gay, because that would be horrible, as far as they’re concerned.

What a sad world they must live in to see things this way, and to not have learned that all children start out the same, and they all deserve our love. How sad that they’re missing out on our amazingly cute, opinionated little boy and his wicked sense of humor; that their promise in his first days of going to the park to play has not materialized….even though the park is one of his favorite places to go.

In any case, we already love this new baby as much as we love our son – I’d prefer a full term healthy baby and a complication free pregnancy, but if not… we’ll play the hand we’ve been dealt, just as we have with our son, doing the best we can to get everything this child needs to succeed in life.

I just hope I never have to figure out how to explain why it seems that grandma and grandpa love one of them more than the other.

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Please support the Naked Pictures of Faceless People project by commenting on the posts. Comments which attack or attempt to guess the identity or any aspect of the identity of the blogger will be deleted, however. Protect and respect this space as though it were your own work on display here, naked and faceless.

Anonymous comments are welcome on NPFP posts. Simply put “Anonymous” or any pseudonym in Name, and either your own or a fake email addresses (ex me@me.com) as the email. NOTE: If you have a Gravatar associated with your email address, it will show up even with an anonymous name, in which case please use a different or a fake email address. If your comment does not appear within 12 hours of posting, please email me as I may have to rescue it from the spam filter.

“Too crazy to parent”

“I couldn’t subject kids to my craziness.”

“I’m not sane enough to be a parent.”

“I’m doing the world a favor by not passing on these crazy genes.”

All these and more are phrases I’ve heard — excuses from the childless, defenses from the childfree.

The very last thing I want to do is attack those who, for whatever reason, have chosen not to have children. So many women — though far from all — are pressured to reproduce, or at the least (as though adoption is a consolation prize, a mimicry of “real” parenting) become mothers in some way. I support without reservation the choice to remain childless/free, and consider it my duty and honor to protect and defend all the reproductive choices of women, and to counter the misogyny of external pressure to procreate.

But I am a crazy mom. And the child of a crazy parent. And when I hear these excuses — when no excuse should be needed for what is a respectful and deserves to be respected choice — it gives me pause. I squirm. I do not speak out, because the last thing a woman-under-attack needs to hear is how her defenses against unacceptable insinuations hurt me — but hurt me they do. And I remember.

A disclaimer: in defense of the childfree

I am the last to argue that parenting is universally good for one’s mental health. I entered the experience armed with terrible-truth telling tomes like Mother Shock, Operating Instructions, Inconsolable, and though I was filled with an irrational ache, an indescribable emptiness that itself adversely affected my instability, and would trade it for no other life path, neither would I do readers the disfavor of lying that it has not, in measurable ways, challenged and, yes, harmed me. From uncontrollable hormonal waves to sleep deprivation to insanity-inducing sensations, to triggery toddlers and more-triggery preschoolers: parenting has not been easy or kind to my mental wellness. I fault no one for hearing these honest, if one sided, truths and deciding to say “no thank you” and book another cruise to Cuba. This isn’t about attempting to persuade anyone to parent if they lack the wholly irrational drive on their own.

But it is about what else is said when, hearing of diarrhea diapers and untameable tantrums, one announces “I’m too crazy to parent.” Because meaning to or not — and it mostly isn’t — it says parents aren’t supposed to be crazy. It says children are better off without crazy parents. It says my life, on both ends, is wrong.

Unattainably high ideals for parents, unacceptably low ideas of craziness

Whenever I write posts like this, someone says it isn’t about me, and I’m being too sensitive, and I take words too seriously. And it’s true, to some extent: I don’t believe anyone who says these things to me is intending to speak about anyone other than themselves, and their truths. I am not trying to (as though I could!) ban anyone from using phrase “too crazy to parent” referring to themselves. I don’t think these words are spoken of oneself out of malice for others, nor do I wish to silence the stories of those who have desired children, weighed the possibilities, and decided the risk to themselves and their health was too great. Because that is the truth of many, and deserves respect and recognition no less than any other honesty.

But for many others, it seems not a deep-thought truth, but a talisman waved to ward off “and when can we expect pitter-patters in your halls, hmm?” I do not blame the inclination to reach for whatever will shut those over-nosy voices up, but I protest when what reached for harms me.

Harm me it does, twice over, for the idea of “too crazy to parent”, outside of a deeply reflective context, is based on impossibly, unattainably high ideals for parents, and on insulting, unacceptably low ideas of craziness. When spoken of oneself, it may be either an honest assessment of ability, or internalized ableism (or some inseparable tangle of both). From here, outside the speaker’s heart, I cannot know which it is, and so I do not disagree; but I hear it so frequently from those who I know consider themselves more stable than I (or no less so) that I know not all instances can be free of this internalization.

Parents are not perfect. Parents are not meant to be perfect; I consider it inevitable, nigh on my duty, that in some way I fuck up my child — just like every other parent. Us crazies certainly don’t have a monopoly on fucking up our offspring; indeed, I dare you to find me one parent, anywhere, anywhen, who has not burdened or blessed their child with some form of awkward, hindersome baggage. Craziness, uncontrolled, might affect the quality or degree of mess we make of our kids, but in the fact of its existence makes us different not at all.

All parents fuck up our kids in some way, to some degree, but some fuck them over. Some fuck them — unfortunately not merely metaphorically. Some people — people I love — were abused, abandoned, neglected, never allowed the abundant love and adequate parenting that was their birthright. Some people are parents in name only, and need to be disallowed from damaging their children any further. I do not pretend that these things are not true. I do not wish to silence those whose parent(s), crazy or broken or both, were very much not a blessing or gift or growth opportunity. Sometimes “crazy” and “abusive” go hand in hand.

But they are not synonymous.

Not crazy, not sane, but… self aware?

My dad is not neurotypical — there are many diagnoses he’s been slapped with over the years, and suspicions of others abound, but I find an appropriate approximation of his challenges is communicated with the combination “bipolar” and “Asperger” — and his craziness has wound around the deepest parts of my psyche, choked off some growths, clouded some areas, heaped manure on some ground. He fucked me up, unquestionably, inescapably.

And yet — I was also gifted tools to cope, skills to survive, and (paradoxically with my pathetically low self esteem) an absolute arrogance that I deserve to exist. As I am. As fucked up as I am. As broken as I have been made. I, understandably I’d say, bristle when however unintentionally someone supports the meme that crazy (fat, different, indebted) people shouldn’t parent — that I should be other than I am. Whatever burdens were placed on me by the parenting I received (and they are numerous, and heavy, and uncomfortable to carry), I was also taught how to be strong; to ask for help when needed; to take a rest when needed; that those that love me would share my load — and though they are lessons I will spend my life repeating, striving always to get right, I am better off for having the introduction early on in my life. Rather than lessons taught in spite of the craziness I was exposed to (that was inflicted upon me, at times), they were wound up together, one growing in response to the other. It was not the crazy per se that granted me these lessons, but awareness of what the crazy — as well as not-crazy human failings — could do, and would do, that allowed them to be given me.

I do not have the name for what this quality is, but it is what matters far more than crazy or sane, neurotypical or not, patient or prone to agitation. It seems some form of self-awareness, some ability to reflect on the whys and wherefores of one’s failings, some meta-parenting that makes up for many imperfect micro-parenting moments. (Which is not to encourage overthinking this whole ridiculous enterprise-called-parenting either — as I said, I don’t have the words, and that always leaves me flailing, circling around in oft vain attempts to flank and flush out the exact idea I am attempt to pin down so I can communicate it.) Whatever it is, it allows one to recognize and acknowledge the fuck-ups and then teach (or at least search for) ways to cope with them.

What frustrates me perhaps most of all is that this nameless quality seems so very closely related to the awareness that leads people to state they are “too crazy to parent”. Rightly or wrongly, it makes me want to shake the speaker and say “You’re wrong! You could be exactly the type of parent the world needs more of! You know your challenges, and you know enough to take steps to compensate for them! I want you by my side! I want you raising my children’s peers!”

I won’t, of course — no one needs more outside opinions on their reproductive choices. But if you say to me “I could never have kids — I’m too crazy to parent!”, and you see me cringe, this is why: this frustrating mix of hurt and anger, of thwarted desire and repressed opinion, of raised brow and bitten tongue. I’m not going to tell you not to say it. But I will ask you to think about what you really mean when you do.

NPFP Guest Post: Hold This Thread as I Walk Away

Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone, whether blogger or reader only, is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.

Hold This Thread as I Walk Away

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a mental disorder where a person’s sense of identity becomes so fragmented that it results in different identity states. There are a lot of misconceptions and stereotypes regarding the condition, due in no small part to media portrayal in which the complexity of the condition is misunderstood. One of these misconceptions regards memory: the idea that dissociative amnesia means never having access to the memories or information of what happened during a particular event. This isn’t, necessarily, true. A person with DID may not remember the details of what happened, but the event was still experienced and that still impacts them and the identity states as a whole.

If you wish to learn more, there is a blog regarding the nature of DID and its stereotypes by the name of Dissociative Living over at HealthyPlace.com. The posts are quite detailed and informative, to help people gain a better understanding of this condition. This post, unlike Dissociative Living, is not about 101 education. This post is a (short) emotional outlet, saying what also needs to be said from the bottom of the heart. These are the words that go unheard in a life where we must educate the world simply to survive.

They call it a vacation. A break.

There is no such thing as a vacation from life.

People try to joke with me, saying they wish they had that ability like I do. Most of the time I just laugh it off. I don’t expect them to understand. After all, if you’re not there, you can’t experience what’s going on in the world around you, right? It can’t affect you.

Right?

I wish. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Everything is interconnected. Woven together into an intricate web, where nothing has a definite beginning or end. You might be able to pick out base threads and follow those, but none are alone. Eventually, they all connect to another. And another. And another. If a drop of dew falls onto the top of one of those threads, it will spread its influence onto all of those branching off of it on its way down. You cannot take away one of these threads without damaging the infrastructure of the web – it’s just far too complex. Something will always be shared.

Bigotry, ignorance, or a lack of concern… it’s all shared. I may not be the one present to hear it, see it, or feel it inflicted upon me. But all the same, I experience it. Every moment of it.

Like you, I wish I could escape it, even if only for a day. but I can’t. I can’t disappear from it any more than you can. I just go quiet about it for longer than you.

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Please support the Naked Pictures of Faceless People project by commenting on the posts. Comments which attack or attempt to guess the identity or any aspect of the identity of the blogger will be deleted, however. Protect and respect this space as though it were your own work on display here, naked and faceless.

Anonymous comments are welcome on NPFP posts. Simply put “Anonymous” or any pseudonym in Name, and either your own or a fake email addresses (ex me@me.com) as the email. NOTE: If you have a Gravatar associated with your email address, it will show up even with an anonymous name, in which case please use a different or a fake email address.

The Boychick’s Bookshelf: Board Book Round Up #1

Welcome to a special edition of The Boychick’s Bookshelf! In this entry in the series, I review a small collection of children’s books of interest to those who want to raise children free from and opposed to kyriarchy. These reviews will focus on books which showcase stories and lives beyond the dominant culture of white straight middle-class families, or which contain explicitly anti-kyriarchy messages (anti-racism, anti-ableism, anti-sexism, anti-heterosexism, anti-cissexism, anti-violence, anti-colonialization, and so on).

Many people have not-exactly-complained about how the books reviewed on The Boychick’s Bookshelf are great, but too advanced for their six, twelve, twenty-four month old. So, to remedy that, here’s the first edition of a special Board Book Round Up: smaller reviews for smaller books, but more of ‘em at once.

To commence:

More More More, Said the Baby by Vera B Williams


The Boychick loved this book, once upon a time. It’s a trilogy of short stories, all with the same pace and many of the same words, in which we meet Little Guy and his father (both apparently white), Little Pumpkin and hir grandmother (apparently black and white, respectively), and Little Bird and her mother (apparently Asian or Latina). I love it for depicting a variety of caregivers — showing loving fathers to the Boychick is especially important to me — , a variety of races (including the apparently-white grandmother to black Little Pumpkin), and both the Boychick and I loved getting to act out the belly kisses and toe nibbles. As with many board books, it ends with Little Bird falling asleep and being put to bed, making it a good choice for nap or nighttime reading.

Downside: The text, while colorful and artistic, might be hard or painful to read for people with visual or focusing difficulties.

Peekaboo Morning by Rachel Isadora


Peekaboo Morning follows a black toddler through hir waking up, with visual clues leading to each next page, from “I see… my mommy” and daddy, through getting dressed, eating (and feeding hir breakfast to the dog), playing with toys, then going outside and greeting Grandma and Grandpa and a (apparently white) friend, and finally engaging the reader with “I see… you!” I wasn’t sure at first about getting the Boychick a book written in first-person with a non-white protagonist, fearing it might be appropriative, but I bought it anyway because books featuring families of color are so scarce, and it really is an enjoyable (if repetitious — but it makes it especially great for toddlers), quick read, with realistic paintings with enough detail to maintain interest over repeated viewings. It is very heteronormative, with a mommy and daddy, and grandma and grandpa, and very suburban (there is, truly, a white picket fence in one scene), but given the stereotypes of black families as urban and “broken”, I’m not sure that’s entirely a bad thing.

Downside: I’m reaching to find anything beyond the heteronormativity and repetitiousness (though again, that’s something of a plus when writing books for toddlers) to name as a downside. I will say that the painting of the dog looks like there is a smudge on the dog’s face, and it bugs me every time I look at it. But I have Issues.

Mommy, Mama, and Me – and – Daddy, Papa, and Me, both by Leslea Newman


These are two books, but a symmetrical pair, and we bought them together. Each is told from the perspective of the toddler-aged child of same-gender parents, describing how both Mommy and Mama or Daddy and Papa take care of hir, each alternately engaging complementary games or childcare duties. Besides the same-gender parents, these are fairly run-of-the-mill white suburban follow-the-child’s-day books, and the Boychick enjoys them. That very banality, though, is likely the point of the books: “Look, two-mother/two-father families are just like you!” or “we’re just like other (white, middle class) families!” This makes them a good intro to same-gender parents for the unfamiliar (and helped the Boychick accept that his friend with two moms did not, in fact, also have a dad), or normalizing books for kids who don’t get to see families like theirs very much, but also reinforces the white- and middle-class-ness of the “default family”.

Downside: In addition to the aforementioned issues (and I cannot emphasize enough the problems with only ever modeling white queerness), although each book stands well on its own, with many examples of gender-role breaking (especially in Daddy, Papa, and Me, as is expected in a culture that says toddler-parenting is women’s work), when I compare the two, there is a greater emphasis on play in Daddy, and more on nurturing in Mommy: Daddy ends with Daddy and Papa collapsing in exhaustion at the end of a park trip, Mommy with being tucked in and getting kissed goodnight. This relatively minor difference wouldn’t be problematic except that it reflects and reinforces cultural memes, that fathers are playful (and easily overwhelmed), and mothers are nurturing and organized.

Global Babies by The Global Fund for Children


The Boychick, along with every other child I’ve heard of who has been introduced to Global Babies, loved this book for its close-up, face-focused photographs of babies and toddlers from all over the world. Babies, in general, are fascinated by other babies, and this gooey-sweet simplistic text’d book fills that desire perfectly. The Boychick and I loved especially that so many of the babies are shown being worn: of the 16 total photographs, 7 are shown in or apparently in carriers (this does include one baby in a cradleboard being help up but not on a person). Each of the photos is labeled with the country the baby is from, and although two are from USA, this includes one white seemingly-middle-class baby, and one Native child (in the aforementioned cradleboard). Not all of the babies are smiling (or indeed, awake), which seems to increase the appeal; the young reader is able to study faces reflecting a variety of emotional and alertness states.

Downside: The text is far less interesting than the photographs, with sometimes just one word per two-picture page; I’m not sure the Boychick ever absorbed the “[all babies] are beautiful, special, and loved” message with it being read so slowly, interspersed with up to several minutes of studying the photos. There is something of a photo-safari feel to the book, though I think this is somewhat mitigated by the lack of depicting less-advantaged children as “pitiful” or “unhappy”, as many such projects do. I must also say that I know nothing of the Global Fund for Children beyond the noble goal printed on the back of the book (“…advancing the dignity of young people around the world.”), and cannot speak to its work, good or otherwise.

Everywhere Babies by Susan Meyers


(Note: Cover pictured is for the hardback edition of the book.)

I love this book almost as much as the Boychick does. There is more text than in many other board books (including all of the ones mentioned here), but the text has a brilliant bounce and simple (but not overly so) rhyming rhythm. The text loosely follows a diverse crowd of babies from birth to the first year, often with several scenes on each page depicting many different races of babies and configurations of families (including an apparently-single mom of twins, multiracial and multigenerational families, and a two-mom family). Although very Western and moderately sub/urban and middle-class, the wealth of diversity shown in what “Every day, everywhere babies” are doing helps make it a delightful read. It’s also a favorite in the attachment parenting community for explicitly showing and mentioning breastfeeding (and I love that the mom shown breastfeeding is a woman of color, fully dressed, passed out in a rocker holding a book) and babywearing.

Downside: Along with depictions of breastfeeding and babywearing — though the ring sling appears to be drawn by someone who has never actually worn a baby in one — are abundant depictions of bottles, pacifiers, and strollers, as well as less than ideal carriers, and a baby in a carseat not in a car; I’ve somewhat mellowed on this since first reading Everywhere Babies, but on some level it still bothers me: these things are all ubiquitous in the culture the Boychick is growing up in, and the more he — and everyone else — sees them, the more they become/are reinforced as the cultural defaults. (An astute reader will note, however, that I haven’t let this stop me from enjoying this book with the Boychick, but I do usually change the words to the “babies are fed” page, to skip bottle, spoon, and cereal feeding.) I am also irked that the final scene, which depicts a single baby at hir first birthday party, features an apparently all-white, heteronormative family. It doesn’t completely negate the racial diversity of the rest of the book, but it does, once again, ultimately center whiteness, and reinforcing the white family as default. Also note that there are no visibly disabled parents or children depicted, and no assistive devices beyond one cane half-hidden behind an old woman seated in a chair.

Summary

I would recommend any or all of these books as additions to a beginner anti-kyriarchy bookshelf; though a handful of books featuring racial and sexual diversity read to pre-literate and mostly pre-memory children are not going to subvert the dominant paradigm or counteract a culture of hate all by themselves, they’re not a bad way to start. Buy any of these or other titles online at Powells.com or Amazon.com and support your friendly neighbourhood blogger; or find or order them at a local independent bookseller.

Have you read any of these with your child, and what did you or s/he think? What are your favorite pro-diversity, anti-kyriarchy board books?

On the ubiquitous use of “crazy”

“I have a crazy commute.”

“With three kids under five, my life is crazy right now.”

“I have an insane workload at my job.”

“My schedule is crazy; I get up at 4:30am, and don’t get out of class until 9:30pm.”

“I’ve been in school… wow, three years now! Isn’t that crazy?”

These are all things I heard tonight, during intros in class as the new quarter started. “Crazy” (and its progenitor-twin “insane”) is used incessantly by so many. It’s our culture’s catch-all for bad, or overwhelming, or chaotic; it’s an amplifier, with bad or neutral or even good connotations, depending on tone and context; and it’s what we use when we don’t know what else to say, how else to respond (“I got these shoes for only $5! Can you believe it?” “Woah, that’s crazy!”). I encounter this online as well, to be sure, but it didn’t occur to me until tonight how much less the circles I travel in use it, and how much easier it is online to say “um, please stop.”

Because I want it to stop.

I want you to stop.

What? Why? You must be crazy if you think I’m going to stop using crazy!

Because your commute might be long, your life might be chaotic, your workload might be stressful or heavy or overwhelming, your schedule might be unbearable, the length of time you’ve been in school might be longer than typical, but I promise, none of them are crazy. None of them have a mental illness, none of them are neurodivergent, none of them are emovatypical, none of them have been diagnosed with a mood disorder. Not one of those things is crazy. I am crazy. They are things you want to complain or exclaim about. And I am not your prop.

But that’s just nuts! I don’t mean actually insane. You don’t know anything about metaphor!

Metaphor, noun: a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance.

In what way does your commute-life-job-workload-schedule resemble me, exactly? Is your job buxom and great in bed? Is your commute witty and clever? Is your life a talented writer, opinionated, have a taste for bad puns and worse sci fi shows? No? I didn’t think so.

But I didn’t mean those things about you! I meant your craziness! I mean, craziness in general!

Yeah. You meant this integral part of me, parsed out, isolated, dehumanized, de-person-ified. You meant my badness, my overwhelmingness, my stressfulness, perhaps? You meant this aspect of me which you don’t understand, and don’t care to think about the reality of. You meant this thing about me that you are going to ascribe meaning to, regardless of how I feel about it, regardless of the meaning it has in my own life, regardless of whether I think of it as a thing at all.

Why are you taking this so personally? I’m not even talking about you!

Of course you’re not. I’m sure you don’t mean to say anything bad about me. I used “crazy” the way you do not that long ago, too; I get it. But why are you taking so personally my statement of preference that this word wielded against me so cruelly not also be used so casually to mean anything you want it to mean? I’m not attacking you; I’m telling you how this word wounds me.

Now you’re just being melodramatic. Don’t you have bigger things to worry about?

Sure. I have mental health disparity because of racism and other bigotries, and exorbitant prices of prescription drugs, and insurance that won’t cover the medicines that work for me, and mental health wards closing, and overcrowding and dehumanizing protocols in the ones still open, and cops shooting people they know are unwell, and mental health used as an excuse to take away our kids, and a lack of effective treatments, and a terrifying mortality rate that people treat as a dishonoring failure in morality. I got lots of bigger stuff to worry about.

And I have this. This one teeny, tiny, paper cut of an issue, which I encounter a dozen, a hundred times a day. This minute, puny little issue that does nothing, except hurt me infinitesimally in isolation, infinitely in combination. This one so easy to overlook aspect of an entire culture that hates me and devalues me and dehumanizes me and degrades me and dismisses me and uses me for a punching bag and as a punchline. It is one tiny word used a million times a day that reflects and reinforces the culture that is responsible for all that bigger stuff, which I am impotent to dismantle. So you’ll excuse me if I sometimes address something not so big.

You’re taking words away from me! This is censorship!

Oh, would that I had that power. I’m not sure I would use it, but it’s fun to imagine.

I am taking nothing from you. I have no power to deny you the use of any words. I don’t even wish to have “crazy” stricken from your vocabulary. I only ask, and I ask only, that you think about how you use it, and maybe start reaching for different words sometimes.

But what else am I supposed to use?

I don’t know. What are you trying to say? How about: chaotic, overwhelming, wonderful, awful, surprising, unbearable, untenable, unbelievable, unorganized, ecstatic, hectic, really, very, muchly, heavy, excessive, sublime, supreme, crowded, distressing, disgusting, irrational, irritating, ignorant, great, good, or simply bad? You might be amazed how much bigger your functional vocabulary is by reducing your use of this one little word.

That’s too much work! Can’t you just deal with it?

I can deal with it. I can shrug, and roll my eyes, and let it slide off my back, and take a deep breath, and laugh it off, and let it go. I can do this a dozen times a day. But a hundred? My shoulders and my eyes are getting tired, my back is getting bruised, I’m starting to hyperventilate, I don’t much feel like laughing, and I can’t get rid of it for all I try to.

Why must I do all the dealing, all the coping, all the work? Why can’t you do some for a while?

But I’m crazy too, and I don’t care!

Yeah, neither did I. Except the part of me did, the part of me that internalized that to be crazy meant to be chaotic-bad-inhuman-devalued. The part of me that said that maybe it was just as well, that I deserved the names, that I deserved to be treated as less-than. When I started letting go of that part, so long hidden, the rest of me started caring.

Maybe it isn’t the same for you. Maybe you can exist in a world that tries to cut you a hundred times a day and not be damaged. Maybe you have an infinite ability to laugh it off. Maybe you have Kevlar skin.

I don’t. Doesn’t that matter?

It’s not going to change anything, even if I stop. You’re fighting a losing battle.

If you start using other words where now you use “crazy”, it’s going to make my life that little much more kind. If you start thinking about the words you use and noticing the words other people use, it’s going to make you a better person. If you start asking other people to change the words they use, and challenge the attitudes those words reflect, it’s going to spread the message. If you use this new awareness to pay attention to the headline that your local government is cutting mental health funding, that another person was shot when they should have been helped, that some politician is trying to get you to think less of another because a family member is a lot like me, and you vote differently and add your voice to the protest and make a small donation to a cause that empowers us, if you do this and ask others to do this, actually, it can change quite a lot.

I don’t expect the use of all degrading metaphors to cease in my lifetime, and possibly not in any lifetime. But I have to believe, and have reason to believe, that the world can be better for our working for it.

But I don’t want to think about all the hurt I’ve caused. And I know I’m not going to be able to stop right away!

Neither do I, and neither did I, I promise. Our whole life our entire culture has told us that this is ok, that using one person’s pain for our convenience is right and proper. But now you know better. Now you have an opportunity to do better, to at least try, and keep trying, until it becomes habit, and easy, and you wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

No one is asking or expecting that you do it all at once. Just that you try. And I bet you’ll succeed, because it is just a tiny little word.

***

So now we have option A: Yeah, whatever, you nutter.

And option B: …I guess.

You can be a perfectly lovely person and go with A. I did, when I first had the choice, and pleasantly for me the friends who had this discussion with me didn’t kick me to the curb. And I won’t if you do the same now.

But I hope you’ll pick B. Will you?