My mind is relentless. It churns out hatred, bitterness, recriminations, shame and guilt and hate, hate, hate. All for me, all at me, all about me and the many, many ways I fail.
I’m a horrible mother. I’m a horrible person. I’ve let so many people down. I should step away and hide away and go away. I’m bad. I’m bad. I’m bad.
What would happen if I said no? No to the thoughts, no to the recriminations, no to the hateful, hateful hate.
No: you yelled at your child, and I love you anyway.
No: you have a messy house, and I love you anyway.
No: you start projects you haven’t had time to finish, and I love you anyway.
No: you keep thinking these thoughts, and I love you anyway.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
How painful. To be seen, to be known, to be loved despite it all, because of it all. The fire sweeping through the diseased prairie, terrifying to behold.
Let it burn through me.
No.
and
I love you.
Yes.
LOVE this! I am SO in one of those “I suck at this phases” And yet I get up again every morning and hope for the strength to do it better. THANK YOU.
And I send you all my love no matter how many mistakes we make!
Wow, yes, I feel this way sometimes and I wonder how I will ever feel better about my abilities as a mother, especially. I just don’t want to mess up my sweet little kid! Luckily, my baby’s other mother keeps me in check and reminds me of the reality of love that surrounds our family.
i needed that today. thanks.
I needed this as well. My hateful noise comes from both inside my own head and also from my partner’s mouth. It gets difficult to deal sometimes.
Yes! We get caught up in the all-or-nothing, I’m perfect or I’m lower than whale turds, can’t-make-one-single-mistake kind of thinking, or at least I do. I’m trying to remember that to err is human, no one ever did it perfectly, I can love myself even when (or even because) I’m being human. I do love you, and your writing, and your imperfections.
This resonated with me. As you know I’m not very well at the moment. This is hard to write. I hate myself at the moment. I hate the parent I am, the way I’m letting down my child because my mind is so fucked up. I hate that I’ve had to go on drugs that I’ve been trying to avoid. Hate that because my brain is so fucked I’ve had to go on lithium and abruptly wean my son, who so wasn’t ready for it, yes even at 3. And all the time doing it on my own. I have to learn to say ‘I love you’ to myself, especially because I don’t have anyone else to say it to me. Why is that so hard? You’re fabulous Arwyn xx
I think I needed to read this today. I’ve been fighting a lot of negative/self-destructive thought lately and I’m trying to get my mental health under control.
I love you.
Love this, Arwyn! You know I’m working on one of my follow-ups to my “YES!” experiment post, where I talk about what happens when I say yes to everything I say to myself. It’s amazing the power of words, as I think we’ve discussed way back when on mdc and radical acceptance. You use no and I’m using yes. A couple of the paths to absolute, unconditional love of the brilliant being inside.
Sometimes when I look at my kids, the glow of their beauty inside almost blinds me. And then I realize I have that, too. If I can just tell those voices that smother me in blankets the truth.
I love you. You and your beautiful, huge heart that has taught me so much. I’m grateful for you every day <3
Yes.
And thank you.