It’s time for an exciting round of fat-phobic bingo!

Bingo — wherein we all grab a bingo card filled in with heard-them-a-thousand-times hateful tropes instead of numbers — is one of the activist’s most powerful resources, because it lets us mock and laugh at the hate and ignorance we encounter ever day. There’s nothing bigots hate more than when we’re too busy laughing to be hurt by their douche-ass words.

To that effect, grab a fat-hate bingo card (or two — or have a screen-reader friendly version of both), and settle down for this absolute GEM of a comment from Steve, left today on my post On fatphobia, thin privilege, and “eat a sandwich!”. If I view it as performance art, I can marvel at its near-perfection as an embodiment of bigotry thinly (haha!) disguised as allydom.

(But trigger warning for fat hate, for realz y’all. Be in a happy place if you are to read on. Because I might laugh and call it “art”, but this is how some people really feel about us. But if you’ve the spoons, the urge for disbelieving chuckles, and a big pile of baby-flavoured donuts1 at hand, read on…)

My girlfriend is a size two. 35-24-35. Blonde, smart as a whip, dual Masters, saves every dime she makes and has the bank account to show for it. Confident, conversant in dozens of subjects, athletic, teaches professional dance. She gets almost anything she wants out of anyone she comes in contact with. But if not for her size 2 size all the rest of her attributes wouldn’t open the doors and get her the treatment she recieves [sic]. Give her a Michelin midriff, two chins, canklets, flabby arms, sausage fingers and a butt that enters the room 5 seconds after she does and the sledding gets infinitely tougher. Big women can have their increased risk of cardio-vascular disease, diabetes, lower joint aches and wear. Let them be happy with forever looking for flattering clothes. Let them sit at home while hills are being climbed, marathons being run. I know men with large partners and the list of worries and frets they’re subjected to numbers a hundred items to every one my girl presents me. Diets, counting calories, jealousies and insecurities. Thin is better. Much better. And those jabs she occasionally gets about being “too thin”? Silent deflection, resting assured the critic fervently wishes she could crawl inside her skin.

Translation:

I have a Most Favored Possession, I mean, girlfriend (who is probably made of rubber and wishful thinking, but shh), which proves that I have a Very Big Penis, and let me start by telling you about her physical dimensions, because I KNOW that’ll be a hit on a size-acceptance blog, and will prove the size of my exceptionally large schlong! She is So Very Perfect in every way conceivable that I have allowed her the honor of being my Most Favored Possession, I mean, girlfriend! And some of these accomplishments which I have so carefully detailed for you even though they are not mine come much easier for her because she’s so perfectly thin! And I say this so you know that I am an ally, so you will not mind when I continue next with my graphic and hateful description of anyone who is not like my Most Favored Possession, I mean, girlfriend! Because unimaginative and highly exaggerated stereotypes are funny, ammirite?? Now I will toss out some well-known “facts” (who cares about science, the media say them so they’re TROOO!) showing my pity for anyone whom I consider too fat to fuck, because pity proves that I am a good person! Also fat chicks are lazy and have never done anything active in their entire lives ever! And some poor doods have to date these slobs because their dicks are tiny, unlike mine! Those fools have to put up with the consequence of fat-hatred and a lifetime of food policing which of course would never ever affect my Most Favored Possession, I mean, girlfriend because she is so perfectly thin and thin women never have problems or body image issues, ammirite?? And when my Most Favored Possession, I mean, girlfriend does get mean comments, it is only because every fat chick secretly wants to be thin so that I will want to bone her! Fat blows! Can I have a cookie now?

Who’s got bingo? I wanna see proof in the comments, people!

  1. “Q. What the hell is a baby-flavored donut?
    A. The typical fatty’s snack of choice, on account of how we all love donuts more than anything in the world, and also, we’re evil. Obvs.” — From the FAQ at Shapely Prose
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26 Responses to It’s time for an exciting round of fat-phobic bingo!

  1. Reg commenter going anon

    You truly get the best trolls, Dear Sir I glad your partner has the relative privilege to adviod some of the crap that society throws at larger women wouldn’t it be great if highly intelligent highly educated women didn’t have to rely of those “oh so perky tits to get any attention.”

  2. Oh wow. The stupid, it burns!
    This guy can’t work out whether misogyny or fatphobia is more important to his worldview so he’s tried to go all equal opportunity douchebag. How touching.

    I only really get Bingo if I include stuff directed at fatties in general from people I don’t know. That makes me feel so lucky – I don’t get this shit from my family, unlike most other fat women I know. But it doesn’t matter because there’s enough of it out there to let me know that the people who love me are pitied by others for having to look at my fat face, which is clearly disgusting, what with the stuffing-in of baby-flavoured donuts followed by TWO WHOLE CAKES for each meal.

    Thanks for reminding us to see the funny Arwyn. Guys like your large-schlonged friend up there are such excellent entertainment. Trolls/concern trolls beware: when we’re done with the baby donuts we will come for you! Nomnomnom. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go eat the world.

  3. If this guy really does have such a spectacular girlfriend, I wonder what she would think of his comment. I hope she would be as disgusted as I am. Nice translation.

  4. Yes! Yes! Yes!

    I’m so tired of the world telling women “you are obligated to maintain an appearance that is stimulating to my penis”.

    My body. Mine! End of discussion.

  5. Wow I have no words…and I’m rather verbose. Thank you for posting this, why do people like this even read your blog and spew such …such…ickiness?

  6. You know, I’m trying to figure out what all of his description of his girlfriend has to do with her size.

    Is he trying to say that women who are fat aren’t all of those things and can’t have what they want out of life? If so, he needs to get out more. I could out-status her any day, and I’m definitely not a size two. I hope they never have kids, because he’ll dump her first thing, and take half her money to boot.

    As far as risks and things his friends face with their partners…those women are dieting and insecure because of douchebags like your commenter.

    Oh, and all that about climbing hills? I hope she has some big stud to go with her, because it’d be unsafe to ask her to carry her share of the gear. 100 lb pack on a 100lb woman is not a pretty sight ;)

  7. From Steve’s ridiculous description of his “perfect” girlfriend and all that he deems unacceptable, I assume that he is the perfect specimen of a man, with an astronomically low body fat percentage and ripped abs. Because, obviously, anything less than that is just horrid. Oh, that rights, he only discusses the ludicrous stereotypes place on the “fat” female.

    I must wonder what such a wonderful and intelligent woman is doing with such a vapid man, who from his comments thinks very little of her.

  8. Hello there, Ridiculous Commenter! I’d just like to point out that I’m a well-educated, confident, healthy, marathon-running woman. In fact, I sound much like your description of your girlfriend, with the notable exceptions that I am fat, and that I have a fabulous husband of 10 years who loves me beyond measure and would never, EVER disparage other women to make himself feel better about his life or his relationship with me. I’m so sorry for your girlfriend.

  9. You know what creeps me out the MOST about that commenter? That he KNOWS his girlfriend’s dress size/measurements. Seriously, most WOMEN don’t know their own measurements – and most men don’t even know what the numbers correlate to. My husband has NO IDEA what size I am – and I’ve told him before (in an attempt to get clothing as a gift). Ultimately he just doesn’t give a shit – why would he? WHY DOES THIS GUY? It’s soooooooo possessive and bizarre and sexist.

  10. Is his girlfriend a blow up doll a la “Lars and the Real Girl?”

    And tell him it’s cankles not canklets. Canklets sound so unfeminine. Some of us wore cankles with great pride. ;)

    I’m still trying to understand why he would read your blog.

  11. Arwyn, mah dear? You have mad translation skillz.

    As my kids would say. ;-)

    My partner will be amused to hear that I’m supposed to be jealous and insecure in our relationship because I’m fat. Snort!

  12. And if this wonder of God has children she will not breastfeed because her breasts are for the sole purpose of entertaining her asshole boyfriend. Why is this schmuck reading your blog? Yuck, yuck, yuck.

  13. I wrote a little bit about body normativity recently over at my blog if you want to read it. I also got some good comments on my LJ (same post, just mirrored) here.

    The phrase “a butt that enters the room 5 seconds after she does” is so weird. I’ve heard it before and it… it’s like the butt is a separate entity, somehow not part of her actual body, her self. It’s just a lump of fatty tissue that trails after her. I don’t know about you, but my butt is part of me, part of my body, part of who I am. Just like my breasts and feet and nose and hair are. They can’t enter a room after I enter a room, they are me.

  14. The best part (and by that I mean the shittiest) is how he is loudly fart-trumpeting his girlfriend as proof that it really is HE that is TEH AWESOME to have landed such a lovely fish (that’s what his verbal diarrhea is really about). Nothing shows how rad you are than being able to show off your size 2 and blonde (so relevant!), super-smart, Financial Panther, cankleless, etc etc blah blah, snore shore, Trophy- I mean Girlfriend. Oh and – something that actually is more fun is dating/partnering with someone and thinking of them as a PERSON, believe it or not that can be an actual Turn On.

    Also, as a size 14, apparently I need to push this bowl of pork fat gravy aside and go waddle into the next room sadly where my husband and awesome life partner of 12 years (our wedding anniversary today) is occupied and let him know I’m this huge mess of fatness and have all these health problems or “wear” (news to me as my recent physical and bloodwork came up picture of health) and apologize to him for the endless gauntlet of “diets, counting calories, jealousies and insecurities” I’m apparently constantly engaged in (again, news to me but, Steve knows best being an Expert on All Things Female). Oh and I need to tell my actual friends who are larger than a size whatever and have any kind of health or body image issues that if they’d just get thin like Steve’s Totally Awesome Girlfriend all their problems would be solved!

    Or, perhaps I could just tell Steve he needs to go fuck himself already.

    What do you, the viewer, think?

    • I think you get an extra star for presenting us with the verb “fart-trumpeting” in context, that’s what I think. :-)

  15. Bleh, what a tool.

  16. IF she exists I hope she reads this and dumps his ass.

  17. See, now if this dude REALLY wants to prove how studly he is and brag about the size of his manhood, he would be talking bout how is girlfriend is 350 lbs. and he leaves her in a puddle after every sexual encounter cuz it takes a big man to satisfy a big woman. LOL… ok I am being sarcastic… but as a fat woman, I have come across dudes who are fat fetishists and their first reason for explaining why they like fat chicks is not that they find rolls aesthetically pleasing (and I have mad respect for men who DO answer that way) but rather that they are just so montrously huge that a smaller woman cannot handle them! So, even men who do love and admire big women seem to feel this need to come up with a “socially acceptable” excuse for their attraction.

    Sorry if this comment is a bit off topic, it just popped into my mind when I read his comments,

  18. I had a good old (fat) belly laugh at your translation. Love your work.

  19. I don’t think a man wrote that. I think it was a woman, which makes it even lousier.

  20. I want to know what world he’s living in that a woman with the measurements of 35-24-35 is a size 2. According to every sewing pattern I’ve ever seen, the closest size that hits those measurements is a size 12 (34-26-36). A size 4 has measurements of 29-22-31. So he’s either a lying sack of shit or he doesn’t have a clue about what size his mythical possession girlfriend really is. I’m a seamstress, and have been for over 40 years, so I know what I’m talking about when it comes to women’s measurements and sizing. What a misogynistic asshat.

  21. @vesta44

    I’m a seamstress too. Size 2 off the rack and size 2 off a sewing pattern are different. Usually off the rack sizes are several sizes larger (so for instance I’m a size 12/14 off the rack and often sew a size 16/18 for myself). Given the fact most people wear ready-to-wear garments when someone says what “size” they are (unless I’m on a sewing site online) I assume they mean ready to wear. I’m not going to bother if his reported measurements of a size 2 match with the garment industry because I don’t care about him because:

    He’s a misogynistic asshat even if he DID have all her numbers/sizes down correctly, as evidenced by, y’know, all the other stuff he says.

  22. Pingback: A picture says a thousand words (or two, repeated 500 times) « Raising My Boychick

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