NPFP Guest Post: Even Wild Women Get the Blues

Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone, whether blogger or reader only, is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing me at arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.

Even Wild Women Get the Blues

Tonight I am sitting in front of the computer with tears leaking down my cheeks. I cannot let the sobs reach my voice. Any minute, the phone might ring, and I must sound not only happy but sensual, sexual, inviting. No hint of non-lust-inspired huskiness can taint my tone. You see, I am a professional Domme, a phone sex worker, and a well-known leader in my kink1. It’s a small community, the one I inhabit, and I am proud of the contributions I have made. Nevertheless, I am new to pro-ness, and what seemed to make so much sense when I first contemplated it is becoming harder and harder to do.

Why is it so hard? Did I fail to realize that this would be work, more than a 9-5 job? No, I knew that going in. I was aware of the number of hours I’d have to be available. I was aware of the work I would have to do in self-promotion. I was aware that I’d have to maintain a certain image to a certain extent, that there is a romance to what I do and that the consumers of that fantasy do not want it disrupted.

What I failed to take into account was the depression rearing its head again. It had been more than five years since I had emerged into the light again, and I honestly thought it might stay gone. Silly me. It never stays gone.

What I failed to take into account was family crisis after economical crisis after personal crisis, coming one after another for weeks and months.

What I failed to take into account was my mother fully embracing The Secret and alternative healing, and with them all the subtle and not-so-subtle shaming they bring. “You know very well that if you think negative, more negative will come! This last thing proves it! Now you need to ask the help of the Archangel Michael to burn away this awful negativity. What do you mean, you don’t believe in angels? Well, if you won’t even try, things will just keep getting worse. I’m sorry, but I have to divorce myself from your negativity before it affects me. I hope you don’t mind that I’m doing a ritual to cut the ties between us.”

What I failed to take into account was my desire to spend time with my daughter, a teenager who lives with her other parents states away, during the too-brief duration of her visit.

What I failed to take into account is the extent to which the image I maintain for my business would come to control my life. Professional Dommes, after all, are free of any entanglements (except for their adoring worshipers) and are always in control. Never mind that everyone sane knows that’s horsepucky. Pierce the veil of the fantasy in any way, and my paying customers stay away in droves.

This became even more accented in light of my status in the community. I am expected to Have My Shit Together all the time. Even community events which were to be fun and vacations for me ended up being all work and no play. Even non-kink vacation events with people who are aware of my profession became exercises in dealing with Other People’s Baggage because of my work. Even when I said up front “There is an off-duty sign over my head, here,” in advance.

Even writing this much feels like whining. I can’t honestly tell if it’s the depression talking or not. I could enumerate all the depression symptoms, but I am sure everyone actually reading this post is familiar with them. Even if I did, it wouldn’t help. I have become very good at fencing the depression off for a time, maybe even as long as a day. But then the nightmares become even worse. I won’t specify what the nightmares are. They are very triggery for almost all of the few who know about them. But sometimes the nightmares continue right into the waking world, and I have to physically check my body to make sure that it is the way it was the day before. Not just on waking, but for hours after.

The phone is ringing. A customer is on the line.

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  1. Lucypaw (unaffiliated with the author) defines kink thusly: “Kink involves expressing sexuality in socially-transgressive ways, often dealing with power.”
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11 Responses to NPFP Guest Post: Even Wild Women Get the Blues

  1. Thank you poster, and thank you Arwyn for this feature.

    This is not “whining” but rather a brilliant post. Yes, a sad one, but one I think many can relate to and appreciate you sharing. I’m sure the following comments from readers will confirm my hypothesis.

  2. This is definitely not whining. I’ve struggled with depression too and I know how it can just take over even after you thought you’d purged it. The privilege and victim-blaming inherent in The Secret dogma is stomach-churning, to say the least. I’ve had someone blame my own miscarriage on me for “thinking negatively,” so I really have nothing positive to say about it.

    I hope that you are able to find peace. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  3. The Secret is a cardboard imitation of real philosophy, mixed with poison. And all that stuff about negativity is the voice of unexamined privilege: “Oh, I never think about bad things and bad things don’t happen to me! You should try it!” when the truth is their privilege protects them from bad things. Not thinking about trouble is an effect of not having trouble.

    The image you describe as necessary to your work sounds inhuman.

    Good luck with treating your depression.

  4. Thank you for writing this. I hope things get better for you soon.

  5. Whining? No. Not in the slightest. This is examining things that, justifiably, contribute to your depression–and doing so beautifully, mind.

    The way we treat sex workers as inhuman, domme or sub, is ridiculous.

  6. I agree: you are not whining. The pressure to uphold this fantasy is more than anyone should have to bear without a break. I am hoping that somehow one comes for you, because you deserve it.

  7. This is such a powerful post, thank you for writing it. I’ve been thinking a great deal about positivity and how my brain just doesn’t seem to get it so I think that aspect hit home to me.

    For what it’s worth, expressing what you’re going through like this isn’t whining at all. Perhaps voicing it will help a little, perhaps it won’t, but no-one can stay on top of everything 24/7. It’s remarkable how uncaring the world is that people are expected to. I hope things improve for you and you find the respite you need.

  8. My understanding of whining is complaining about things as if you have no power to change things and expecting someone else to fix them. So, I don’t see this post as whining. It sounds like you’re going through a crummy time and that deserves acknowledgment. I’m sorry you don’t feel safe expressing your reality. I hope this little bit of expression helped.

    I wish you well. Teaching the Law of Attraction without the other Laws that accompany it (like The Secret does) can be so dangerous for most people’s psyches. Please do what you need to do to help *you* feel better. You are the number one priority in your life!

  9. I agree with the folks above – SO not whining. I hope that you can get some more support from your close friends, and have places where you’re able to relax more fully; the pressure of being ‘on’ all of the time is immense, and isn’t a burden than anyone should expect you to carry.

    Wishing you well, and wishing you rest.

  10. Another one in the not whining camp.

    And I hope that you can find some support, and come out the other side.

  11. I agree that I don’t hear any whining. I wish you the best and hope that you can find what you need to feel supported, without nightmares and depression.

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