Naked Pictures of Faceless People: Love the Way You Lie

Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone, whether blogger or reader only, is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing me at arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.

Trigger Warning: There is a trigger warning on this post for descriptions of domestic violence.

Love the Way You Lie

Have you ever heard a song called Love the Way You Lie, by Eminem and Rihanna? That’s my marriage, with a baby thrown in, to a T. Isn’t that sad? Isn’t that beyond sad?

I can’t tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
I can’t breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it’s like I’m in flight
High off of love, drunk from my hate,
It’s like I’m huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I’m about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it.
Wait! Where you going?
“I’m leaving you”
No you ain’t. Come back we’re running right back.
Here we go again
It’s so insane cause when it’s going good, it’s going great
I’m Superman with the wind at his back, she’s Lois Lane
But when it’s bad it’s awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped
Who’s that dude? I don’t even know his name
I laid hands on her, I’ll never stoop so low again
I guess I don’t know my own strength.

My pregnancy was hell. We would be all good for three days or so, and then wham! an explosive fight resulting in my trying to leave and him not letting me. I started talking to another guy — and told him about it. Sure, we had some great fun and good times. But when it’s bad it’s awful. We busted in some doors and put bruises on each other. One of us would always break down, cry and beg for forgiveness. This was happening even when I went into labor. I was just as much to blame as him.

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you’re with ‘em
You meet and neither one of you even knows what hit ‘em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them those chills you used to get ‘em
Now you’re getting fucking sick of looking at ‘em
You swore you’d never hit ‘em; never do nothing to hurt ‘em
Now you’re in each other’s face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push pull each other’s hair, scratch claw hit ‘em
Throw ‘em down pin ‘em
So lost in the moments when you’re in them
It’s the rage that took over it controls you both
So they say you’re best to go your separate ways
Guess if they don’t know you ’cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it’s a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don’t get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
I guess that’s why they call it window pane.

Then we had the baby and we were good for about a week. Then I got sick, very, very sick. He refused to help, didn’t want to let me leave to stay with my mom so she could take care of me. I begged and I cried and he told me I’d get over it. Maybe it was then I knew we didn’t love each other anymore. I did leave with my mother and the baby, and after much pleading, he came to see us that night. I remember crying hysterically while nursing my baby, “Mom, he doesn’t love me anymore, he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t.”

Now I know we said things, did things that we didn’t mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper’s just as bad as mine is
You’re the same as me
But when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn’t you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
I told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I’m pissed, I’ll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time. There won’t be no next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I’m tired of the games I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im’a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

We came back a month later. We were okay for a while. He supported my every decision with our baby. He was a great daddy. Then our fights started again. It was always over nothing, nothing at all, and escalated into what was bothering us everyday. I think I just read everything as if he didn’t care about me, since what happened with my illness. I still talked to the ‘other guy’, mostly after fights, fantasizing about a relationship that never could be. He still takes my keys, blocks my car, pins me down, won’t let me walk out the door. Now he takes our baby from me and says I’ll never see her again, and I better quit acting like a psycho or he’ll get custody as his family can afford an attorney and mine can’t.

Our baby is now almost six months old, and she knows when we fight. She hears us across the house, slamming doors and throwing things, screaming in each other faces, hitting, pushing, and she starts screaming hysterically. We both feel bad and I always say we have to end this or resolve this, I won’t keep fighting in front of our child and damaging her. So we both apologize, even though we know it’s lies. And then we do it again. I love him and I hate him. I can’t leave and let him rip our baby away from the only mother she’s ever known. But I can’t stay here and let her be in the midst of our insanity. Nobody knows about this storm that is our marriage but us. What the hell do I do, what the hell do I do? I keep saying it’ll get better the older we get, we’re still so very young. I hope it will. I hope it will. Until then, my daughter, forgive me. Please forgive me. I never intended for you to get wrapped up in the midst of a tornado and a volcano.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie.

(Lyrics copyright Eminem or Aftermath Records. No copyright infringement intended.)


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16 Responses to Naked Pictures of Faceless People: Love the Way You Lie

  1. Please get help, and get out. It doesn’t matter who is to “blame”, the odds of things getting better are slim compared to what you risk with staying. If you (or any reader) are in the USA, you can visit or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY).

  2. I’m so sorry. I hope you’re OK, and I hope things get better for you soon.

  3. I was that baby. It did get better… decades later. But the fact is, my mother had no way of knowing which one of those times would actually be the last time he hit her. I am fully aware that she had two kids, a high school education, and her white-picket-fence reputation holding her back. What a positive message it would have sent me if my mother had left him when I was young, instead of telling me “next time, I’m calling the police”!

    “Next time”. That’s how I ended up in a marriage for 4 whole years that resulted in me losing my career, my car, and any hope for a future. Maybe it can’t be “this time” right now, but you can create a plan of action to get out when you are able, and as Arwyn said, there are those who can help.

  4. Reg commenter going anon

    I avoiding reading this because I thought I might be triggered.

    I am so sorry anon, it sucks so much, and it reminds me of an ex of mine other relationships and how she behaved with me.

    I have no advice, just, good luck

  5. Reading your story broke my heart.

    I know it’s complicated, and I know the idea of leaving him is scary, especially the thought of losing your daughter, but right now, all three of you are in serious danger and I know that’s not what you want for her. I don’t really have any personal or professional experience with domestic violence itself but I have worked with many children who have experienced it and I feel I need to speak up for your daughter’s sake.

    Even if you don’t think either of you is in serious physical danger (and I hope you realize that no matter how safe you think you are right now, things can change in a heartbeat once violence steps in the door and if he’s isolating you and physically keeping you from leaving you’ve already stepped into some pretty serious areas of concern) I’d like to ask you to consider the role modeling you are doing, right now your little girl is forming very important ideas about the way the world works and how people interact and treat each other and you have to decide if this is the world you want her to grow up thinking is normal and ideal? Is this the relationship you want your daughter to have when she’s your age? Is this what you want her to think love is?

    You may be young, you may still be figuring out a lot about the world yourself but no one of any age deserves to live in an abusive relationship.

    You wrote that post, you know this relationship isn’t healthy, please take action and protect yourself and your child.

    This site is a collection of stories of abuse survivors and has lots of links for getting help, you are not alone with him in this, there are people who can and will help you, all you have to do is take that first step:

  6. I was in a destructive relationship that was hurting me and hurting me. I loved him and I hated him too. My heart did not want to leave him, my heart felt so strongly about this. But even though I live by my heart most often, I let my brain take over this time. I knew my brain was right- that this relationship wasn’t right now matter what my heart felt. It took a long time to get over it, but I am much healthier now. Please, there is a part of you that knows this isn’t right for you or your daughter. Please let that part take over. The extreme emotions can be addictive, but it isn’t worth what you are risking- health, peace, your daughter’s view of the way the world works. Thank you so much for sharing this, dear one.

  7. There is help out there for you– legal help, financial help, emotional help. He can’t take your daughter away from you. That is a lie he uses to control you. Don’t believe it. You and your daughter are both in danger. Please call the hotline. They will tell you what to do next.

  8. I second the comment H.M. made and again urge you to get help.

    I was that little girl that watched her mommy and daddy scream and throw things and hit each other. And the message I was sent was that this was love, that violence was an acceptable part of a relationship. It led me into horrors later in life that…don’t need to be detailed other than to say that years later, I still have nightmares.

    Please, please get out and get help.

  9. Anonymous Today

    I’m sorry I don’t feel comfortable putting my name here, but reading your story was heartbreaking.
    If you live in Australia, here are some places you can get help:$file/ch002_0905en.pdf (PDF)

    I hope you find the help you need.

  10. I was young once, with two babies and a man who hurt me. I know this is hard to hear from where you are now; I know it doesn’t quite compute but listen carefully: you do not deserve this. Not for one red hot instant. I don’t care what kind of person you are, what mistakes and failings you (or he) believe are yours. You have never deserved this treatment.

    What could your little girl do that would ever cause her to deserve to be treated in such a way? You are ever bit as valuable, important, and precious as your little girl.

    And I know that you do not want her to witness this and think that it’s normal, that it’s OK, that women deserve to be hurt or that love is violent. I can feel how much you love her, that you want her to feel safe, cared for, and loved.

    I’ve been married to my second husband for 10 years and neither of us has ever (not once) lifted a finger against the other in anger. That is the very least we should expect of our partners, of our primary relationship. We all deserve to be safe in our own lives, in our own homes, in the presence of the people we love.

    You have your mother, and she’ll be a wonderful source of support for you no matter what, but I urge you to go to a shelter for a long list of reasons that they’ll explain to you when you get there. I know that seems strange; why not go home? But for your safety, your baby’s, and your mother’s, and for some legal reasons, a shelter is the right place.

    You are stronger than you know.

    Sending love and hope.

  11. Don’t know where you are, but if you’re in the UK, you can speak to Women’s Aid.

    They have a 24 hour freephone number. 0808 2000 247. They can advise on all matters of domestic abuse and violence, including how to leave, where to stay, women’s refuges etc. also has a list of DV resources from area to area.

    They are really helpful and non judgemental.

    I left an abusive relationship just over a year ago, and although it’s so scary at the time, it will get better.

  12. I hope that you get out, and find the help you need, for you and your daughter.

    I have no background or experience to inform my opinion. But I am a mom, too, so I can imagine the fear of losing a child. But I think that you need to take a long term view. You do not deserve this, and your daughter does not deserve this. If you leave now, then she won’t grow up to think that she does deserve it.

    I am thinking of you, and wishing you well. I hope you find your exit.

  13. I haven’t been able to get your story out of my head and heart since I read it yesterday. I watched the video for the song you were quoting and man, there’s so much there. It got me wondering about other songs about domestic violence and I found this one by Christina Aguilera and thought I’d share it with everyone here. My understanding is that it’s based on her own experiences with her mother (see for a video of her singing it)

    “Oh Mother”

    Whoa, oh, yeah,

    She was so young with such innocent eyes
    She always dreamt of a fairytale life
    And all the things that your money can’t buy
    She thought that he was a wonderful guy
    Then suddenly, things seemed to change
    It was the moment she took on his name
    He took his anger out on her face
    She kept all of her pain locked away

    Oh mother, we’re stronger
    From all of the tears you have shed
    Oh mother, don’t look back
    Cause he’ll never hurt us again

    So mother, I thank you
    For all that you’ve done and still do
    You got me, I got you
    Together we always pull through
    We always pull through
    We always pull through
    Oh mother, oh mother, oh mother

    It was the day that he turned on his kids
    That she knew she just had to leave him
    So many voices inside of her head
    Saying over and over and over,
    “You deserve much more than this.”

    She was so sick of believing the lies and trying to hide
    Covering the cuts and bruises (cuts and bruises)
    So tired of defending her life, she could have died
    Fighting for the lives of her children

    Oh mother, we’re stronger
    From all of the tears you have shed (all of the tears you have shed)
    Oh mother, don’t look back
    Cause he’ll never hurt us again (he’ll never hurt us again)

    So mother, I thank you (thank you)
    For all that you’ve done and still do (still do)
    You got me, I got you, (yeah you got me and I got you)
    Together we always pull through.
    We always pull through
    We always pull through
    Oh mother, oh mother, oh mother

    All of your life you have spent
    Burying hurt and regret
    But mama, he’ll never touch us again

    For everytime he tried to break you down
    Just remember who’s still around
    It’s over, and we’re stronger
    And we’ll never have to go back again

    Oh mother, we’re stronger
    From all of the tears you have shed
    Oh mother, don’t look back (oh mother don’t look back again)
    Cause he’ll never hurt us again (cause he’ll never hurt us again)

    So mother, I thank you (and I thank you for everything you’ve done)
    For all that you’ve done and still do (together we always move on)
    You got me, I got you, (you got me, I got you)
    Together we always pull through (always pull through)
    We always pull through
    We always pull through

    I love you mom

  14. I second the advice to seek help. I have not been in a similar situation fortunately but this sounds like it’s not good for any of the three of you. I hope that with help you can get into a situation that is safe for all three of you.

  15. I remember all too well and it’s been over 15 years since I left. I remember denying the truth and defending him to those who suspected what was happening. “It wasn’t that bad. It’s both of our tempers- not just his. I know what to say to make him mad and if I just stop baiting him, he’ll get better. You’ll see. He’s really an amazing guy, he loves me. He just has a temper.”

    I really thought it would get better. I really didn’t think it was “that” bad. Until one night when he pushed me out a second story window in anger. Was he actually trying to kill me? I won’t ever know the truth. But I know I NEVER thought he’d do something like that. I mean, we’d fight and I’d get bruises- sometimes big ones. But kill me?

    I didn’t understand until that moment. And that was what it took for me to wake up and start taking small steps to leave, which I did three months later.

    If you’re thinking it isn’t that bad, or “that” won’t ever happen to you, just know that’s what I thought too. Those guys who kill their girlfriends weren’t like my man. He loved me. I was sure of it. But I know today that wasn’t real love. It had me wrapped up in a lot of emotions, but love wasn’t there. I couldn’t see it clearly until I was safely away.

    Get out as soon as you can. Don’t wait to find out if it’s THAT bad. I was lucky- I survived. Not everyone is lucky like me. There is help available. Contact the local domestic violence hotline in your area.

  16. I am sorry I am replying so late – I am way behind on my blog reader.

    I just left an abusive relationship. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. If you want to read about it, I wrote about it here. It took me years to leave. I told myself we would learn to get along. That if I learned how to not trigger him, things would be better. That after we had the baby, things wold be better. If I just explained myself, how he was hurting me. If he realized how bad it was to scream at me in front of the children, he would stop. If we went to therapy. If we went to a new therapist. If we went to another new therapist. If he went on medication. If he took his medication regularly.

    None of it worked. The only thing that worked was leaving. But, I couldn’t leave until I was ready to leave. If people told me to leave, it made me not want to tell them about it again, because they would judge me for staying. I rationalized it, said things were better, thought any good string of days was proof it was better, and covered up how bad it was to my family, friends and people at work.

    I can’t tell you to leave. I can tell you no one deserves to live like that. I can tell you no baby deserves to grow up in a house like that. Patricia Evans is an author that really helped me. So did Lundy Bancroft.

    I am in a child custody battle right now. As much as your partner may tell you he will make sure you will never see your child again, he may not be able to do that to you. I am not going to pretend that abusive men never get away with that – they can. Even if you don’t feel like you can leave him yet, please start a dated journal, preferably online on a password protected site (you can sign up for your own for free – proboards is one place you can do that) that documents the incidents. First of all, it can help you see patterns with clarity. It can also be a log that can help you if and when you do try to leave.

    I know it’s hard when you are caught in the whole crazy making cycle to try to be the sane one who rises above, but do whatever you can to not engage, and not hit. If and when you try to leave, it will be a lot easier for you to get custody if you can show that he was the abusive one.

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