Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone, whether blogger or reader only, is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing me at arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.
Trigger Warning: There is a trigger warning on this post for descriptions of domestic violence.
Love the Way You Lie
Have you ever heard a song called Love the Way You Lie, by Eminem and Rihanna? That’s my marriage, with a baby thrown in, to a T. Isn’t that sad? Isn’t that beyond sad?
I can’t tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
I can’t breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it’s like I’m in flight
High off of love, drunk from my hate,
It’s like I’m huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I’m about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it.
Wait! Where you going?
“I’m leaving you”
No you ain’t. Come back we’re running right back.
Here we go again
It’s so insane cause when it’s going good, it’s going great
I’m Superman with the wind at his back, she’s Lois Lane
But when it’s bad it’s awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped
Who’s that dude? I don’t even know his name
I laid hands on her, I’ll never stoop so low again
I guess I don’t know my own strength.
My pregnancy was hell. We would be all good for three days or so, and then wham! an explosive fight resulting in my trying to leave and him not letting me. I started talking to another guy — and told him about it. Sure, we had some great fun and good times. But when it’s bad it’s awful. We busted in some doors and put bruises on each other. One of us would always break down, cry and beg for forgiveness. This was happening even when I went into labor. I was just as much to blame as him.
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you’re with ‘em
You meet and neither one of you even knows what hit ‘em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them those chills you used to get ‘em
Now you’re getting fucking sick of looking at ‘em
You swore you’d never hit ‘em; never do nothing to hurt ‘em
Now you’re in each other’s face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push pull each other’s hair, scratch claw hit ‘em
Throw ‘em down pin ‘em
So lost in the moments when you’re in them
It’s the rage that took over it controls you both
So they say you’re best to go your separate ways
Guess if they don’t know you ’cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it’s a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don’t get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
I guess that’s why they call it window pane.
Then we had the baby and we were good for about a week. Then I got sick, very, very sick. He refused to help, didn’t want to let me leave to stay with my mom so she could take care of me. I begged and I cried and he told me I’d get over it. Maybe it was then I knew we didn’t love each other anymore. I did leave with my mother and the baby, and after much pleading, he came to see us that night. I remember crying hysterically while nursing my baby, “Mom, he doesn’t love me anymore, he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t.”
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn’t mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper’s just as bad as mine is
You’re the same as me
But when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn’t you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
I told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I’m pissed, I’ll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time. There won’t be no next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I’m tired of the games I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im’a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
We came back a month later. We were okay for a while. He supported my every decision with our baby. He was a great daddy. Then our fights started again. It was always over nothing, nothing at all, and escalated into what was bothering us everyday. I think I just read everything as if he didn’t care about me, since what happened with my illness. I still talked to the ‘other guy’, mostly after fights, fantasizing about a relationship that never could be. He still takes my keys, blocks my car, pins me down, won’t let me walk out the door. Now he takes our baby from me and says I’ll never see her again, and I better quit acting like a psycho or he’ll get custody as his family can afford an attorney and mine can’t.
Our baby is now almost six months old, and she knows when we fight. She hears us across the house, slamming doors and throwing things, screaming in each other faces, hitting, pushing, and she starts screaming hysterically. We both feel bad and I always say we have to end this or resolve this, I won’t keep fighting in front of our child and damaging her. So we both apologize, even though we know it’s lies. And then we do it again. I love him and I hate him. I can’t leave and let him rip our baby away from the only mother she’s ever known. But I can’t stay here and let her be in the midst of our insanity. Nobody knows about this storm that is our marriage but us. What the hell do I do, what the hell do I do? I keep saying it’ll get better the older we get, we’re still so very young. I hope it will. I hope it will. Until then, my daughter, forgive me. Please forgive me. I never intended for you to get wrapped up in the midst of a tornado and a volcano.
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie.
(Lyrics copyright Eminem or Aftermath Records. No copyright infringement intended.)
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