I was really grumpy today.
The Man is in his fourth week of mandatory overtime, and I’m very very tired of him being very very tired and us having no time together, but that wasn’t why I was grumpy.
The kid has entered the most aggravating contrarian phase, where he automatically disagrees with whatever we say, even if it’s “Hey, let’s go get some ice cream now!” But that wasn’t why I was grumpy.
The house is a wreck (in large part because of the two above points), and I can’t cook simple fried eggs without having to stop and clean a pan, but that wasn’t why I was grumpy.
I’m menstruating and cramping and exhausted and brain drained, but that wasn’t why I was grumpy.
I was grumpy simply because I was grumpy.
The things I listed above don’t exactly lend themselves to an effortlessly joyful mood, and they might be enough to challenge even the most calm, zen-like person, but they didn’t make me grumpy, because they can’t make me anything.
I just went with it. I was grumpy, nothing was going to make me less grumpy (because nothing was making me grumpy to begin with), and that was that.
No, this is not the story where I submitted to the suckitude and suddenly everything became rainbows and kisses — but it is the story of a day I survived, and it didn’t even feel like a big deal. I took the kid to the park, and didn’t yell at him once. We went grocery shopping, and I didn’t abandon him in the cart. He punched me, and I didn’t punch him back. I didn’t even really consider it. Because I was grumpy, and that’s just how it was, and it wasn’t his fault, and that was OK.
And that? That I simply didn’t care, and wasn’t attached to any particular outcome (such as happiness, or lack of grumpiness)? That meant that today was a pretty good day. Challenging, sure. Not the most fun I’ve ever had — but there was fun. There were kisses. I didn’t see any rainbows, but we baked sweet potato fries together, and that was pretty darn cool.
We have this belief in the culture I live in that our moods are always to blame on something. Either something external (we need x and y and z to be happy — so why are people with x and y and z still not happy?) or internal (we just have to think our way to happiness, and have only ourselves to blame if we “fail” — how can anyone be happy with all that pressure?). While I am all for choosing joy, as much as we are able, I also think that we are setting ourselves up for misery if we think it is possible, much less if we expect, to be 100% happy 100% of the time.
It’s just not gonna happen. Take it from someone with a mood disorder1: moods, sometimes, just happen. Yeah, if your lifemate dies, you’re going to grieve, and it might look a lot like depression (or it might trigger full-on depression), but being depressed doesn’t “require” some catastrophic event. Sometimes it just happens.
Conversely, sometimes happiness just happens. Happiness is a lot easier when we’re not lacking basic rights — societal recognition of our humanity and freedom from marginalization and oppression; enough food and shelter and health care and free time to not worry about surviving the day, or the week, or the year; a network of family and friends, people who care for us and who we can care for in turn; a vocation that gives us satisfaction and a feeling of contributing to something greater (such as our family, our cause, or our culture) — but happiness is possible even without great good things happening to us, and even, sometimes, without those basics. Sometimes it just happens.
If we spend all our time trying to hold on to our happiness, or resenting our unhappiness, we never get to simply experience the good possible in each moment. Even when we’re grumpy. Even when things aren’t going “right”. Even when we have a child who disagrees with simply everything.
We don’t have an obligation to be happy in each moment — we don’t have any obligations or shoulds around our moods at all. Today, I was not particularly happy, ever. But because I was ok with being grumpy, I didn’t suffer my grumpiness.
So now I can look back and say: it was a good grumpy day.
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- I am convinced that almost all “pathologies” are, basically, exaggerations or extreme bell-curve ends of “normal” human ways of being. We all experience mood swings; people with bipolar, like me, just do it a lot more. So my perspective on moods isn’t tainted by my “disorder”, but enhanced: what happens in everyone else on a low level, I get to experience in all its full-fledged glory. ↩
Nice one, as always. :) Ron and I have talked about this quite a bit, because sometimes he says he just wakes up ANGRY, and I would keep asking him, what are you angry about? And he would say, you don’t get it, it is just a physical feeling. Then one time I was trying to explain my anxiety and we ended up doing the same thing…. What are you anxious about? Nothing, there isn’t a thought process about this, it is something I can feel in my body. Oh… OK, then I think we both “got it” about each other even though the base thing was different. But both of us really have a hard time dealing with those grumpy moments. I wish I was better at it as I have had some pretty horrid parenting moments at those times. :/
I also loved your footnote. What a great perspective. I dated a guy who was bipolar for awhile. At that time, he tried a med (can’t remember which one) and said he felt like he was looking at the world through a dirty windshield. He actually preferred experiencing the full intensity to that.
Exactly. I’ve always had a similar outlook to moods, regarding the basic grumps and what you discuss in your footnote. On a related note, I see so many people via the interwebs or in my life that minimize others for having these feelings, all in the name of positive thinking. Like you wrote, choosing joy is proactive, balanced and healthy. But insisting that others or oneself think positively 100% of the time seems to me to be stifling, counteractive and exhausting. In our home, we try very hard to state our feelings, the elated along with the out of sort ones, and encourage the kids to do likewise. Just naming the feeling and letting others know about it is very okay in our home. Unfortunately, our culture is big on denying people their feelings. I’m reading Barbara Ehrehreich’s Bright-Sided http://www.barbaraehrenreich.com/brightsided.htm and I think it’s so great that she has shed some light on this issue. Great post!
moods, sometimes, just happen
Yes!
Now if only I could get this across to even a small percentage of the people who insist I have to have a reason for being in any mood (and that I then have to provide that reason to them, ostensibly so they can fix it)….
Congratulations. You are right: a good grumpy day is one you survive that well. Wish I could write like you do!
Just wanted to say simply, I loved and appreciated this post. It was warm, insightful and relevant. Thanks.
I find sometimes, that just by acknowledging that I’m having a shitty day, is just enough for me to not take it too seriously.
I hear you! It’s okay to simply feel whatever feeling your’re having without requiring a rationalization of yourself.
Yesterday I was mopey. I started to think “am I tired, hungry, hate my job, what?” Then I realized that I owed myself no explanations. Today I’m happy. Also don’t need a reason.
Women often have defense mechanisms against the stereotype of becoming The Emotional Woman. Better come up with a rational excuse for our feelings, lest the males among us disapprove! It’s rather refreshing to break free and simply feel without reservation.