Comments on: Quick Hit on Hair: Not-White Is Not Other

By: My Son is Not a Poodle « Navelgazing

My Son is Not a Poodle « Navelgazing — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 16:39:41 +0000

[...] Not-white hair is seen as not “normal” hair [...]

By: Twelfth Carnival of Feminist Parenting « Mothers For Women’s Lib

Twelfth Carnival of Feminist Parenting « Mothers For Women’s Lib — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 20:22:22 +0000

[...] Quick Hit on Hair: Not-White Is Not Other posted at Raising My Boychick. [...]

By: Arwyn

Arwyn — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 20:32:42 +0000

Renee — Thank you, that means a lot to me. I struggled in the moment to find a way to speak positively about the young man’s hair (to counter the Boychick’s knee-jerk labeling of it as “bad”) without exotifying it or otherwise Othering it, and without shaming him thereby making it something we couldn’t talk about; clearly, I need to prepare more for next time.

I was pulled up short by you saying that you hadn’t heard of white parents talking with their white kids about this, though: hair is a pretty big Thing, and one of the most racialized aspects of our being aside from skin tone. Don’t we have an obligation to talk about it, to help give our kids (to the best of our ability) words and a framework to talk about it and not be cluelessly racist douchebags about it? If white parents aren’t talking about this (as just one aspect of race which is just one aspect of being human), why the hell not?

By: Arwyn

Arwyn — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 20:22:00 +0000

Lauren @ Hobo Mama — Continuing your off-topicness, the Boychick’s thing when he doesn’t want to do something (other than saying it’s bad or he hates it) is “That makes me sick.” And I know exactly why: often, that’s the explanation I give for why I can’t play video games with him or eat the chocolate he’s offering me (migraines), or why he can’t drink the two day old left in the car juice (oops). One day I might write about that aspect of raising a kid as a parent with chronic illnesses.

By: Renee

Renee — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 16:40:57 +0000

I was really shocked to read this post. Honestly, other than White women raising bi-racial children, I have never heard or thought about White women talking to their children about Black hair. Considering that you were talking to a three year old, I think that you did a very good job. As he ages,, I would try to stay away from the idea that it is cool or fascinating and stress that it is different but still great. The more naturalized kinky hair is the easier ti will be for those of us that have it — but I had to comment and say that I so respect and appreciate your effort.

By: Madeleine

Madeleine — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 14:24:12 +0000

Oof.This is part of the reason we moved from Western Massachusetts( mostly-white liberal bubble) to West Philadelphia.Not that this guarantees anything.

By: Auntie

Auntie — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 14:11:09 +0000

As a bit of an outsider–I.e., not having raised kids, only having been one many years ago–I think many (but perhaps not all, based on evidence in previous comments) go through stages with regard to morality/right&wrong similar to what they go through with grammar. First they try to figure out the “rules”, and in this process over-simplify and over-generalize. Later they add nuance and exceptions. When I see a toddler labeling things right/wrong, good/bad, I figure they’re in the “figuring out the rules” stage. Your being there to temper that initial reaction and provide him with ways to think about new and unfamiliar phenomena, including people who look different from yourselves, will, I think, provide him with a good base-layer to work from.

By: Ailbhe

Ailbhe — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 12:27:45 +0000

Oh wow. I am offering up a prayer of thanks *right now*. I think mine said things were “hot” when they wanted to prove they couldn’t possibly have/touch/eat them.

By: Lauren @ Hobo Mama

Lauren @ Hobo Mama — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 12:24:54 +0000

Off-topic, but my son’s favorite term right now for anything he doesn’t like is “dirty.” Try explaining that one to strangers when they overhear him!

Think about the implications of a “dirty book,” a “dirty person,” etc. “No, I can’t do that, Mama, It’s too dirty.” Yipes.

By: Ailbhe

Ailbhe — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 09:26:13 +0000

Oh, right. Neither of mine did that so it’s not familiar to me, where the from-the-telly “fatty food isn’t healthy is it mum?” was appearing at about the same age.