Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing me at arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.
Regression
Her name isn’t Jessica, but that’s what we’ll call her. She is two and a half years old. She like dolls and trucks and puzzles and trains. She like riding bikes, playing peek-a-boo and playing chase. Jessica was in my care from 7:30am until 4:30pm, five days a week.
I had been toilet training Jessica at the request of her mother. There were many, many accidents. So many accidents. But then one day, it was as if a light went on and it all made sense. Accidents became few and far between. She got it, finally, and I praised her for it.
But then she regressed. Her poo accidents, once a rare occurrence, became a daily thing. At first I didn’t worry; after all, it was common for children to regress, and I was dealing with another toilet-trainer going through the same thing. But then I noticed a change in her attitude.
She became quiet and withdrawn. She didn’t take me up on my offer of hugs. She wouldn’t high-five me anymore. And every time she had a poo accident she would deny it, hide in a corner. While I changed her, she refused to meet my eye. It worried me greatly, and no amount of saying “It’s ok” seemed to make a difference.
One day, while in the room, I could smell poo. Knowing that it was about the time of her poo accidents, I asked “Have you pooped Jessica?”
“No,” she said, looking down.
“Can I check?” She didn’t say anything, but allowed me to check the back of her pants. Sure enough, there was the beginnings of a poo.
“You’ve pooped, Jessica. Let’s go to the bathroom and change your underwear.” I gave her a smile and stood up.
She looked at me, then at the doll she had in her hands.
“Baby pooped,” she said. “Bad baby!” She looked at the dolly sternly, wagging a finger at it. Suddenly it all made sense. Someone was telling her off for having poo accidents. I tried to keep from crying.
“Baby isn’t bad. Everybody poops,” I said.
She didn’t look like she believed me, but followed me to the bathroom and let me change her.
“Does mommy poop?” I asked.
“No…”
“Yes she does. Mommy poops! Does daddy poop?”
“No?”
“Daddy poops too! And you know what?” I got a look, a smile. “I poop as well!”
“Really?”
“Yup! I poop! Lots of people do!” Another smile. I finished changing her and left her with the other carer.
I then went to talk to my supervisor. I told her what Jessica had said. I tried to be careful not to inflict my own biases upon the story. She nodded. She had her concerns too. We agreed to keep an eye on her, and to also monitor our behavior, to make sure we weren’t contributing to her distress.
Two days later, Jessica was taken out of care.
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Arwyn
In my bathroom hangs a plaque with a picture of a yin yang and the word BALANCE. I can never get it to hang straight. This probably says something deep and meaningful about my life.
Wow. I do child care too and just got a chill reading this. I don’t even know what to say. You must be feeling really upset over this. I know I would be. Not knowing the whole story and what else might be happening. Argh. Virtual hugs to you and to Jessica too.
I echo Melodie’s comment (although I don’t work in child care.) It must be distressing to be left with such question marks. I used to be a high school teacher and when there were students who were distressed about something at home, even though they were teenagers, it was incredibly difficult not to feel maternal towards them – in the sense that feelings of sympathy and protectiveness come naturally and can even be quite overwhelming. For a child so small, I can only imagine that such feelings would be even greater. All I can say is that Jessica received loving care from you and regardless of what else was happening or will happen in her life, that still matters.
That is a sad story, and it mus tbe frustrating fo ryou not to know what’s going on and how Jessica continues to do.
This is why I just couldn’t work in child care any more. Poor child being made to feel bad about a normal body function. Thank goodness someone in her life was willing to treat her with respect. I hope that sticks with her forever.
Best hypothesis: someone punushed an accident, maybe saying ‘you cannot do that’ and the poor kid is trying to deny the necessary bodily function as dirt/wrong. Since she no longer is in your care, about all you can do is wish her well and pray for her. The kid will eventually learn the bathroom routine, but bad side effects are likely.
I really missed the privacy, but am glad that my kids got to see that mom poops and pees, and does it on the potty. My son got toilet-trained for pee when he could stand up and make bubbles in the water. I’m sorry for this child feeling so bad about her bodily function.
Our kids also got to see mom and dad use the potty all the time. As my daughter was potty learning, she used to tell random strangers: “Everybody poops. Except dead people like Michael Jackson and Dorothy”. (Dorothy is my grandmother).
Wow, what a sad story. I hope she’s OK and being well taken care of, wherever she is now.
This story is so sad. Wherever she is, I hope she’s ok.
You know what? I don’t just feel sad…I feel very angry about this situation. How can it ever be considered loving or helpful to shame a child, especially a child so young and about her own body? I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this little girl since I read this story and I’m still furious about it. Maybe it hits close to home with me right now because I have my own 3 and a half year old daughter who has been very reluctant about toilet training and who was almost totally trained in March but who has since regressed. I encourage her to keep trying…I couldn’t even imagine being angry with her, even when I know that she’s just not bothering to go to the potty because she doesn’t feel like it.
This makes me sad for Jessica.
Oh this has made me so sad…