Laurie (knitmeapony) shared the following post a couple days ago on Twitter, Today in existing while woman, about this case:
[A] US professor of philosophy… a single mother, has been accepted to participate in a month-long European seminar this summer, but her acceptance was made conditional on her demonstrating to the satisfaction of the directors of the host Institute that she has full-time childcare arrangements in place. She was given 12 hours to provide this satisfactory proof, or her acceptance would be withdrawn.
The age of the professor’s child was quoted as being 13 years old in the post (I heard from a second source that he is 12, and in 6th grade); the following is based on the assumption that the quoted age is accurate.
I wholeheartedly agree with the analysis of the linked post on the misogyny inherent in the institute’s demand, but there is another angle worthy of pointing out: since when do 13 year olds automatically require “full-time childcare”? What happened to 13 year olds doing childcare?
Now, not all 13 year olds are up to being by themselves 40 hours a week; most people, frankly, would find that boring, and a 13 year old in most places would have a limited set of options for self-amusement (in the United States, for instance, many malls disallow anyone “of school age” entrance by themselves during school hours; still other places disapprove of unaccompanied minors entering at all, ever). And to be sure, there are many 13 year olds with whom I would not entrust the Boychick — but there are equally small numbers of 23 year olds, 33 year olds, and so on, whom I would find responsible enough!
But I find there’s something very, very wrong with a society that treats teenagers — “even” young teenagers — the same as they do infants and toddlers, who most certainly do still have need for high levels of supervision. “Adolescents” — persons who have (usually) entered puberty and matured sexually — are, basically, adults. (Robert Epstein calls teens “apprentice adults”.) The only absolute categorical difference between teens and adults is years — not wisdom, not maturity, not even experience, but years1. Those years usually mean that adults have had more opportunities to exercise judgment, to make — and with luck, learn from — mistakes, to gain experience in a wider variety of situations, true; but not necessarily. Before going off on how many teens have “bad judgment” and make “bad choices”, I ask you to think of all the adults you know; are they, to a one, paragons of wisdom and virtue? I guarantee the answer is no. Then why do we expect any more from teens? Why are their mistakes used as justification for a categorical condemnation of their entire cohort? By that measure, adults — of any age — should surely not be allowed to drive or vote or run businesses.
All children are people, and deserve respect and autonomy appropriate to their development; honoring the personhood of teens requires that we recognize that they are not rebels, not enemies, not delinquents, not signs of the eventual downfall of society, not good-for-nothing loafers and thrill-seekers concerned only with their own pleasure: and to the extent that they are, or act that way, consider that this is a natural response of any person to having their self-determination thwarted, their autonomy disrespected, their personhood and very humanity belittled (as when we say about teens that they are “wild animals” or “hormones on legs” — as though adults aren’t!).
If teens are irresponsible, it is because they are categorically denied any opportunities for responsibility; if they are self-centered (as though adults are universally not!), it is because they are not given chances to serve; if they rebel, it is because they are told they must stop acting like children, but are not yet treated like real people, and because they are told to get out now, so they can move on to “settle down” into “real life” later. They are told, and usually have been told their whole lives, that they are not trustworthy or capable or responsible; is it any wonder should they give in, and believe it of themselves, and act to fulfill those predictions?
Not to sound too much like the proverbial story of “I walked to school in the snow! up hill! both ways!”, but by thirteen I had been menstruating for three years. I was 5′9″. I was just starting high school, I’d been biking myself to school for half a decade, I’d been babysitting friends for a couple years, and I’d laugh if you told me I needed “full-time childcare”. My mom took me along to conferences (sometimes a few days, sometimes a full week), and generally I kicked around the hotel by myself for most of the day (and this was before the days of everyone having cell phones, although my mom had one and knew I could reach her should I need to). By sixteen, I’d found and started a relationship with the person who was to be my lifemate.
I’m not saying that I expect all 13 year olds to “be like me” — but I do expect them to be like them, and some, perhaps most, could have the ability to be responsible and “mature” (and non-destructively self-entertaining!) if we let them. Teens — “even” young teens — tend to be a lot more competent and able and responsible than adults give them credit for.
Of course it would be ridiculous to one day simply dump responsibilities and duties and finances and the expectation of full independence on a 13 year old; but it’s equally ridiculous to do the same to an 18 year old. More sensible than either would be the gradual transfer of independence and responsibilities, and always, at any age, respect and trust in the abilities an individual shows (remembering that one needs opportunities for capability to be demonstrated!). And yes, arbitrary age limits attached to the transfer of certain rights (like voting), to some extent, are practical and perhaps even necessary. But let’s try to make those ages reasonable; culturally, let’s make sure that as many persons as possible reach those ages well able to handle those responsibilities because they’ve had the chance to prove to themselves their competence well before then.
Maybe this particular 13 year old needs someone watching him at all times (I don’t know and no one except he and his mother can know); certainly, for a month-long trip, ensuring (or helping him to ensure for himself!) that he has something to do during that time, for at least part of it, seems reasonable. But how about putting him to work, should he wish, in the childcare? The average 13 year old is far more likely to be suited for that, if with supervision — or better yet, mentorship — than for being on the other side.
- Someone raised the idea of legal rights; while in most places around the world, it is true that 20+ year olds have far more rights than teens, but that is still cultural, not a universal absolute; in many cultures, modern and historical, there is much less of a liminal stage between child and adult, and people in their teen years may acquire full rights well before we would consider them out of “adolescence” ↩
Arwyn
In my bathroom hangs a plaque with a picture of a yin yang and the word BALANCE. I can never get it to hang straight. This probably says something deep and meaningful about my life.
All I can think is: Oh, snap, this does not bode well for my potential career as an academic parent.
As a teen who has FAR too often been put down and ignored because of age, and only now gaining the opportunity for some independence, control, and liberty (and perhaps dignity) through going to college early, I say:
THANK YOU.
By the time I was 13 I’d been watching my brothers for 10+ hours every day during the summer, and was also babysitting a 2 and a 4 year old across the street at nights, as well as babysitting other kids. I was also transporting myself 3-6 miles “into town” to get ice cream, visit the library, etc. I remember then feeling stifled and oppressed simply because of my age. I was capable of so much more than the adults around me seemed willing or able to recognize. But nobody was calling for “childcare” for me, at least. That’s… something, I guess.
I have a one year old and we live in Chicago. My goal is, by the time he’s eleven, have him able to take public transit anywhere he wants to go. This hinges on his personality, emotional level and capability, etc, of course. But I really hate this trend of “people under the age of 25 are practically larvae and need to be protected and coddled from all things, including themselves” that’s going on.
right on! excellent post. On top of all that, who can find great childcare in only 12 hours?! Sure, you could probably find *somebody*, but is that reasonable?
At 13, my father had chronic back pain and depression which left him bedridden. My mother worked nights, and so was asleep all day. Who looked after my younger siblings? Me. Who went to their school to talk with their teachers? Me.
Requiring full-time childcare? Puh-leese!
It does not say what ‘full time child care’ needs to be demonstrated. Several reasonable arrangements seem possible. And the idiots probably did not even think about how much self care a child that old could take on.
Some things are requirements: kid can not drive self. Probably cannot buy food or pay bills. Location may not have good enough public transit. Can the kid cook own meals? Healthy ones? Get to and from school by self? Be relied to get to bed on time and up for school etc? And lots of other variables determine what is required. Which the parent would know best.
12 hours warning, and not trusting a college professor to have made suitable arrangements, is downright ridiculous. At that age I took care of self and sister daily, but for a month of parental absence we needed and wanted reliable adult care.
Our arrangement was to live in caretakers house for long parental absences. Not the only suitable arrangement, but a good one.
Great conversation. I remember traveling abroad in India in college and meeting a 12 year old who lived high in a treehouse (he built himself) a few hundred feet from his parents home. I was amazed at his independence. He certainly was part of his family unit and loved and supported, but I also learned that his parents had no fear of leaving him unattended b/c he was very capable of getting his laundry done, feeding himself etc. (Transportation was not an issue here b/c everyone rode motorbikes or bicycles.)
I think back to my teenage hood and one of the main feelings that stands out is frustration. I always felt held back and limited.
Between these two experiences I have decided to mindfully support my children to be very independent all the while feeling 100 % supported, safe and loved.
Great points and an important conversation.
I suspect that the directors of the institute had probably had previous experience with professors who pulled out at the last minute because they couldn’t find child care, so they were trying to cover their own butts to keep from having to scramble to fill the space again. I don’t think that’s unreasonable on their part.
Questions do arise, though. Would they have sent this to a single father? I don’t know if they would or not. IF they were to send it to any parent who is coming with a child and without another possible caregiver, then I don’t think it’s in any way sexist. If they wouldn’t have thought of sending it to a male, however, then there is definitely sexism at play. We have no way of knowing which it is, though.
As for the perception that the 13 year old requires full time care, I think that depends upon what “satisfactory proof of childcare arrangements” means to them, as well as looking at the legal requirements of that country. If that particular country legally requires child care up to a certain age, then it’s essential that any participants follow that law while they are living there, even if it is temporary. We don’t know what the Institute’s response would have been to the mom saying “My child doesn’t need full time care.” If they would have been satisfied with that answer, then there isn’t a judgement about the ability of a 13 year old to take care of him/herself at all. If my assumption is correct that the Institute is just trying to make sure that all participants who are bringing kids don’t back out at the last minute due to lack of child care arrangements, then it probably has nothing to do with their opinion of the child’s age at all. It also has little, if anything, to do with their opinion of the parent’s ability to know what their child needs or to provide appropriate care. I don’t think it’s anything that the Institute would have thought about UNTIL they got burned by it and now they are making sure things don’t go wrong because child care falls through or isn’t arranged.
I think it would be better to approach it differently and I’d made suggestions if I were part of the institute. For instance, I’d want to have a list of reputable child care providers available for anyone (male, female, couples, etc.) who would be bringing children to make it easier for them to arrange that care long distance. I’d allow far longer than 12 hours for the parents to “provide proof”…in fact, I’d probably let them know upfront that they had until a specific date to arrange child care or inform the Institute that child care would not be required.
As for the main focus of this blog, I agree that most 13 year olds were completely able to take care of themselves and babysit when I was a kid. I was babysitting at 12 and I had an overprotective mother, so I was even a little late to start. Once I turned 12, my brother and I never had a babysitter again since I was “in charge” (not that he would have listened to me.) I find it extremely frustrating that my students (ages 11-14) aren’t allowed to walk home from school because it’s too dangerous according to their parents. I’m annoyed that kids never have to deal with “natural consequences” of their actions because they are so coddled (like the kids who “forget” to bring lunch a few times a week and have parents dropping McDonalds off for them instead because it’s fast and easy.)
Regarding the differences between teens and adults, though, I do have to disagree a bit. The brain isn’t finished maturing until the early twenties and the parts that are last to develop help to control impulsiveness. Teens are also at a stage of development in which the expectations of their peers are very strong. For these reasons, teens can often make poor choices that adults are less likely to make (not that adults don’t make tons of mistakes, because they do). Some mistakes are likely to have a bigger impact on teens than they are on adults, too (for example, an unplanned pregnancy is usually less troublesome for a 30 year old than for a 15 year old.)
More specific to this situation, even a child who is fully capable of taking care of him/herself at home in a familiar area may require child care in a foreign country. Getting around could be a problem, language could be a barrier to independence, not knowing anyone there or having anyone to just hang out with could prove depressing for the child, currency exchange could be difficult to understand. There are lots of reasons why a 13 year old could need full time care in this specific situation.