Comments on: Choosing Joy

By: No rules without reason « The Recovering Procrastinator

No rules without reason « The Recovering Procrastinator — Tue, 11 May 2010 06:26:06 +0000

[...] Gentle discipline is the part of natural parenting I find most difficult but it may be the most important. Gentle or positive discipline is non-violent, solution-focused, respectful and based on child development principles. It’s challenging but can also be joyful. [...]

By: Paige @ Baby Dust Diaries

Paige @ Baby Dust Diaries — Mon, 03 May 2010 01:21:11 +0000

July – that just warms my heart! I’m so glad that the Carnival inspired you and hopefully you’ve found some new terrific bloggers to read. :)

By: Paige @ Baby Dust Diaries

Paige @ Baby Dust Diaries — Mon, 03 May 2010 01:19:58 +0000

What an excellent point about pain. My mom said she always knew I was getting sick because the day before I’d be on the verge of tears all day long and then BOOM! I’d have the flu the next day.

So, Laura – HALT STOP would be…Hungry, Afraid, Lonely, Thirsty, Sleepy, (in need of a) Toilet, Overstimulated, or in Pain? That sounds nice.

lol, either way the point is there.

By: Arwyn

Arwyn — Sat, 01 May 2010 05:50:30 +0000

July, you’re so welcome. I’m glad I was able to introduce you to some really wonderful writers. I haven’t had a chance to read them all myself yet — I hope to over the next week.

There’s voting from now until next Friday (7 May) for your favorite original post from the Carnival, over at Baby Dust Diaries (in the right side bar). Go cast a vote!

By: July

July — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 19:07:26 +0000

Thank you so much for this post and also for participating in the Gentle Parenting Carnival. I ended up reading every single post that was included in the carnival, all because of this post! I never knew there was a name for it, although I had already read some of the books on the recommended reading lists. This post and the other carnival posts really helped me think about ways to choose joy, as you say, instead of anger.

By: lovepeaceohana

lovepeaceohana — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 23:40:29 +0000

I like this post. Although we do use counting – as in, “We need to [get in the car] now, so I’m going to count to three, and I’d like you to be ready to [get in the car] by three,” which means that on two-and-a-half he usually comes running right over with a big smug grin – I try to recognize that there are probably reasons for why he is acting out, and to address those reasons as calmly as I can.

No lie, it is tough tough tough, and I’m so glad to hear that spoken because too many times I think there’s a tendency to believe that if it’s too hard, something about it isn’t right and that’s not always the case. It’s just hard, period, to balance the wants/needs/expectations of multiple people – even more so when some of those people can’t necessarily identify those or communicate them appropriately with the others. (Thank the gods ours has finally learned the signs for “hungry” and “more” – now it’s way easier to take care of that, at least!)

By: Laura

Laura — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 04:29:57 +0000

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. So much of what I see about unconditional parenting tells me what I shouldn’t do, but not what I should / what to replace it with. I’ve been trying to figure out how NOT to parent aggressively but also NOT parent too permissively and…flailing in some areas. You’ve given me a number of eye-opening thoughts on ways to approach it.

Thank you for me. And thank you for my son, who is 15 months old, and who will hopefully benefit from these insights settling in.

By: Laura

Laura — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 04:28:29 +0000

You could change “Tired” to “Sleepy” (although that’s not strictly accurate, but close) and reorder, and end up with HALT STOP. Heh.

By: Arwyn

Arwyn — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 21:47:23 +0000

Marcy — I’m not so sure “masking” frustration works well; it certainly doesn’t for me. (In an interesting coincidence, today’s Daily Groove talks about this: http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove/be-real Caveat: Scott Noelle often bugs me because he comes across as too glib, and doesn’t seem to recognize some of the real privilege he has and the real challenges some parents face, so I don’t unreservedly recommend him. Still, I find he says some helpful things sometimes.)

What I try to do is actually shift my feelings; not by saying that it’s wrong to feel the way I do (it isn’t), but by reaching for the joy/serenity/compassion that is also always there. And if I can’t, then I say that, and I own my feelings for what they are: “I’m really frustrated right now, and I’m not dealing well with these delays. I’ll feel a lot better if you’ll [get in your carseat] so we can [thing we want to do/activity that will get his/my/our underlying needs met].”

And if I need to express my feelings, I try to do so in a way that is also fun: I’ll yell and shake my head with my tongue out, or hop up and down on both feet, or blow a raspberry. This often gets us both laughing, and from there everything is easier.

OR, especially if I’m not in a space I can do that, I’ll ask for help. From The Man if he’s around (usually with a shouted “I’M NOT DEALING WELL GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!”, admittedly), from the Boychick, from the Universe, whatever.

AND, if none of that happens, and I scream and I yell and I force — which happens a lot — then, later, I seek first to forgive myself. I am acting out of unmet needs, in an unhealthy environment (isolated family, little community), with a whole lot of stress and not always a lot of resources. Y’know, like my toddler. And like my toddler, I deserve compassion, not shaming; assistance, not force. And I’m the only one who can give it to me.

By: Alexandra

Alexandra — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:34:16 +0000

I love this post!! It’s so easy to just get frustrated when your day isn’t going like you planned. I need to do a lot more of choosing joy.

And we turn everything into a game! somehow that totally works for my son. we live in a second floor apartment and he hates going up the steps. but somehow if he is being a bear its ok. lol