Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing me at arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.
The Lioness and Shades of Grey
My mother-in-law caused a scene at the hospital when my daughter was born. She wanted to be the one to see her first. She said she felt unwelcome at the hospital. I still have no idea why. The newborn stage was peppered with fights between her and my husband. I tried not to get involved, so I don’t really know what they were arguing about, except her lack of boundaries and he doesn’t cope with frustrations that well. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt at first, she had problems of her own, after all and suffered from depression.
My daughter never took to her. This was a deep violation of all her hopes and dreams of having a granddaughter. She was passive aggressive and would talk to me through our baby. I hated that. I didn’t want her to help me out around the house because anything she did she would throw back in my face. She hated that. And my daughter couldn’t abide even being too close to her.
It all changed one day — and not for the better. My daughter was not quite 6 months old. She was crying, and my mother in law was speaking to her in an aggressive tone and shaking her, vigorously. I made sure my daughter was safe and then talked to her about it, as gently as I could. Things continued for a time in awkward semi-civility and then it unravelled rather dramatically in a nasty confrontation. I was still in shock. I don’t know if I’ll ever really understand it.
My husband supported me. But I think in a way he’s in denial and never really came to terms with the seriousness of it. After all, it’s his mother and he loves her. Eventually, we returned to being civil, even friendly, although I still feel the strain. We don’t talk about it. I don’t know how to move past such a violation of trust. I don’t know how to feel comfortable with her ever being alone with any of my children (it hasn’t happened yet). I think it may be on the cards in the future. In my heart I don’t want her to be alone with my children. Ever. But I’m afraid that if I never compromise, this may damage my relationship with my husband in the long run.
I feel myself being hyper-vigilant now when she visits. I’m sensitive to every word, every harsh tone of voice. I feel myself becoming angered by things that wouldn’t bother me if they were done by others. My daughter now loves playing with her and is always excited when she comes to visit, which is not that often. I’m sure it’s because my mother-in-law doesn’t feel comfortable either. She always denied the shaking incident and feels injured by my unjust accusation. But here we are. I know that we will have a relationship with her for a long time and I wish there was a way through this and a way that I could include her in my daughter’s life without feeling like I was putting her in harm’s way. I want to protect my daughter, forever. I can only hope that I will have the strength to do so.
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That must have been so traumatic for you to witness. I feel for you – your sensitivity to your family’s needs really comes through.
My MIL hasn’t ever babysat or been alone with my daughter, who is two. This is partly her doing – we’re not close, and she was uncomfortable with Bean as a baby because she cried a lot. It is certainly also our choice – I am lucky in the sense that my husband shares my unease about his mother. She did, afterall, have both his cat and his brother’s dog euthanased for purely ‘behavioural’ reasons while they were at school (separate occasions). I have since met others with similar reluctance to allow their MIL ‘in’. I don’t know if it is of any help to know you’re not alone in this – hope so. Your daughter is lucky to have you as her advocate.
I can totally relate. I have had several incidents with my MIL totally disrespcting my wishes. It’s frustrating to say the least, because you can’t not see them without hurting the entire family.
The worst was when she threw my daughter in the air (just a little and she likes it – was her response) when she was like 6 months, and when I told her not to, because it was dangerous, she did it again.
And my husband is always very meek when people disrespect our wishes, even in such a violent way. He’s too ashamed to stand up for us. It drives me crazy
Wow. I can relate to this post so much. It makes me feel vulnerable to see someone being so open about something thatt causes me so much stress. My MIL was very pushy – wanted to be at the birth even though we said it was only DH and I. My husband went behind my back and had her spend the night with us the first night at home. This was four hours after my daughter was born (birthing ctr) and I immediately began spiralling into depression from feeling like I was being intruded upon. It was awful and got worse, blowing up one day when T was about three months old… she threw a screaming fit because I left the room with the baby and she “just knew” I was doing it to piss her off. It hasn’t really improved yet and she will never keep my daughter alone, I’m not willing to sacrifice my daughters comfort or safety to please an adult.
@Spilt Milk It does help! I actually spoke about this at my mother’s group recently and it was comforting to know that NO-ONE had a good relationship with their MIL. I think part of the problem is I never address any of the little things – so they kind of just build up.
@mamapoekie That’s hard! And you just know that if your husband was able to say something it would probably never happen again. It can be really challenging to always be ‘the bad guy’. Speaking from experience, it pretty much sucks.
Surfed onto this page. I am sorry that you do not have a good relationship with your MIL. My MIL never was around, so I did not have to deal with issues, however I heard stories from my sister. Now, I worry about being a MIL. My son is married and I love the girl. I try not to visit too often nor get involved in their life. Exception: I always insist my son give her a hug, when I am closing my phone call with him. Will you be a MIL someday? I wonder if NO-ONE will ever have a good relationship with their MIL then too?
I won’t go into detail but I know the feeling. Though, my experience involves a different family member.
My MIL has been great, but not every member of my family has been. And it’s hard, and complicated, and there aren’t really any good answers. I hope that you and your husband are able to find some kind of understanding and peace.
One of my MILs is a powerhouse of negative, mean energy and she and I have an extremely strained relationship. One of the first times she visited my son was just a few months old, playing in his exersaucer. He was doing silly baby things, as babies are wont to do, and she called him a “little idiot.” I didn’t find it even remotely funny or cute and I asked her, “Did you just call your grandson an ‘idiot’?” She stumbled for words and was careful what she said since then. It was my first “Mama Bear” moment and I’m glad I set a precedent. Luckily for me, she lives in another state, so I don’t have to brace myself too often, though I continue to have to be vigilant with her language (it’s still VERY negative and critical of my son as he learns his world). It sucks…
This is all a little strange to me, because I don’t have a MIL — The Man’s mom died close to 10 years ago now, long before we were even contemplating parenting (and his dad when he was a very young child). So The Man deals with some of this, I suppose, though everyone in my family adores him (I used to half-jokingly add “…more than they do me, at least!”), and he seems to at least tolerate them well. But life does seem in some ways easier with only one set of grandparents to worry about/navigate relationships with.
The parts that seem familiar are walking that balance between protection/possession and fostering relationships/risking harm. On the one hand, I believe it’s valuable for a child to experience different ways of relating, different styles of parenting or alloparenting — but on the other, I don’t want to compromise my own values and choices or feel that I’m putting my child in danger just to keep the peace. And I really hope that should I have grandchildren one day, their parents won’t think of me as an enemy, or a risk to be managed — when I became a parent, I also became much more sympathetic to grandparents, because even should the Boychick have a child, he’ll still be my baby — and his children my baby’s babies.
But it’s not an easy balance. I wish you luck.
I’m grateful that I get along with and admire my mother in law. As my parents are not good folk, my children will only have the one set of grandparents, and I love them both. I hope hubby and I can do as good a job raising ours as they did raising him. Often times I’ve felt like an orphan (I was a throw-away kid) and to have people that I can call mom and dad means a lot to me. It actually took a while for my mother in law to come around on me. After raising her son with so much care, I think she wasn’t prepared for him to choose a woman from so busted a background. I like to say I Anne Of Green Gables-ed her. I just kept throwing positivity at her, until she just came around. Now my family would not be complete without her.
I’m sorry that you don’t have that kind of relationship with your in laws. I see that most people’s relationships here have been negative. I just wanted to mention a set of in laws who are bringing good things to a relationship.
I used to get on with my MIL. Then one day I stuck up for my husband over something his elder sister had done, and was I made to pay. So many snide comments about parenting, even saying that ‘certain things’ damaged children and were unhealthy and mothers who did that were hurting their children for their own selfishness, all things I happened to do. She definitely won’t be looking after my children alone, I’m undecided whether she’ll even see them again. We live interstate, so it’ll be a long time before we have to face that, and I’m so lucky my husband knows what she’s like. Part of me understands that she’s protecting her daughter, because I hope I’d protect mine. But not only is she betraying her grandchildren, she’s betraying her son as well.