Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing me at arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.
TRIGGER WARNING There is a trigger warning on this post for descriptions of rape and near-rape situations. Please do not read if doing so would put your own health or sanity in jeopardy.
This Is Rape Culture
Twelve years ago, I almost raped someone.
We’d had a fun date. I brought him home. We kissed, started making out. I was twenty years old, self-centered, horny. I thought “whee! sex!” I started flinging off clothes and happily pouncing. I had no idea anything was wrong until he pushed away, saying “no, no, I can’t do this,” hastily grabbed his things and left.
I was so confused. I absolutely could not conceive of a man who, confronted with a naked and willing woman, would not want sex. Even as I rejected the cultural idea of the chaste woman who must be seduced, I had internalized the idea of the man who will never say no.
For those of you who are saying, as I said to myself for many years, “but nothing bad happened. He said no, he left. Nothing happened after he said no.” Consider what might have happened had he not felt safe enough to say no, or not been able to process his uncomfortable feelings into the word “no.” Would I have noticed that anything was wrong? For how long had he been projecting “no” in his body language before he vocalized it, but I’d chosen not to see, or convinced myself that he didn’t mean it?
A dear friend recently told me how he had been raped, many years ago. They had started playing, it seemed okay, but then it wasn’t. He thought he said no, but she held him down and…. afterwards, he thought about walking in front of a bus.
The difference between my friend’s story and mine might only be the ending.
I had pressured my first boyfriend into sex after he clearly said “I don’t want to have sex until marriage” and I heard “I’m thinking about sex and marriage! I’m serious about our relationship!” That time, I was seventeen. Again, I had no context to comprehend the concept of a man who didn’t want sex.
Another friend tells me with frustration of the women who have told him “I know I said no, but I didn’t mean it. I thought you would keep pushing if you were really interested.” What happens when a man who has been socialized by women who think like this meets a woman who really doesn’t want his attention? Does it even occur to him that she could mean it when she says no, unlike every other woman he has been with?
I realize all this sounds like rape apologism, but it’s not. This is not to minimize rape or its effects. Neither is it to classify all rapes as ethically murky, or to classify only some as “real” rapes. Rape is a matter of violating the consent of the person being raped. End of story. But in anti-rape culture, the rapist is constructed as a morally bankrupt monster intentionally perpetrating this worst of abuses, and I don’t believe that’s always true, because of how rape culture has constructed us.
This is not rape apologism. An explanation is not an excuse. This is to demonstrate how horrific and pervasive rape culture is. It not only condones rape, it makes otherwise good people into rapists. By internalizing gender stereotypes that script sexual interaction and don’t allow for deviation. By making explicit conversations about consent “uncool”. By encouraging universal values that we assume not only for ourselves but for the whole world (“I like sex; sex is good; sex is good for you, too, and you’ll see if I push you hard enough.”).
When I was a teenager, like most teenagers, I was neither a depraved monster nor a model of decorum. I had a solid ethical core, but had not fully figured out how to manifest those ethics in my behavior. I figured, when I bothered to think about it, that if there was a problem someone would tell me. I’m not that person anymore. But I don’t think I was all that unusual.
Rape culture almost made me a rapist. That it didn’t is more a matter of luck than my moral character.
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But in anti-rape culture, the rapist is constructed as a morally bankrupt monster intentionally perpetrating this worst of abuses…
I think I know the attitude you’re speaking of here, but to the extent that it exists (the vilifying of all rapists as equally monstrous and inhuman, as opposed to talking about all rape as unacceptable and awful, which is unqualifiedly true), I think it’s a product of kyriarchy. That is, the basic function of kyriarchy — or, depending on how you look at it, the origin of kyriarchy — is to dehumanize/depersonize us (all of us, though marginalized/oppressed persons more so). We do it both to create enemies out of nothing, as in most wars, and to make it easier to hate those who legitimately are our enemies, as in rape.
And it is really hard to talk about the culture that creates rapists, and to talk about the humanity of those who rape or might rape, when the last thing we want is to minimize the attrocity of rape or belittle the pain and fury and everything else of rape survivors.
There is never any excuse for rape, but I wanted to post this here because, as you said, there are sometimes explanations — and the more we can recognize how kyriarchy functions in our lives (including acknowledging the abominable in ourselves), the more we are able to resist it, to chose different, better, more humane ways of living and relating to each other.
Thank you for sharing this.
I really love this post. I’ve thought about this myself and the way I’ve interacted with partners. Even just in flirting I’ve not stopped & wondered whether that attention was explicitly unwanted until afterwards. And you’re right, we’re socialised to read female attention as always wanted. In fact, it’s particularly a part of seeing and rejecting kyrarchical (?) values/structures that female sexual aggression becomes somewhat, er, political? But of course, we’re feeding those structures by assuming the our partners are true to all the characteristics that the kyriarchy demands of them. It’s the same fish in a different bucket.
Thank you for posting, much food for thought.
This isn’t exactly related, but it didn’t seem entirely UNrelated either. Found it cruising around the blogosphere this morning.
http://revruth.wordpress.com/2010/03/24/for-every-woman/
I am not reading this as an excuse for rape, but an explanation, and I think as far as that goes it’s really important to acknowledge that. Our world is not black and white, and we are not good or bad. I also think it’s important to acknowledge that our standard gender roles in terms of sex are not helpful or healthy. It’s simply not true that all men are one way and all women are another. And that’s the part of this post that I most appreciate.
When I was 13 I had a boyfriend. After three months, he wanted to break up with me. My self-esteem was already very low and I was desperate, so I offered him oral sex to stay with me. It turned in to a 4 year “relationship” in which I was often initiating sex and he was often refusing me. I often didn’t take no for an answer and continued to touch him or offer sex until he either left or had sex with me. Talking about it years later, he said that he definitely wanted the sex, but thought it was wrong because he knew I had feelings for him that he couldn’t return. In the end, I felt used and he felt guilty, but I was the one pushing all the time. I was the one who was commiting a sexual assault, not him. I was the one doing the harassing. At the same time, though, he says he never felt assaulted or harassed…he just felt irritated and tempted.
It’s so easy to know it’s wrong when a man jumps out of a dark alley and violently rapes a woman because the lines are so clear and the violation is so blatant. There are so many grey areas when it comes to consent, especially when we are surrounded by mixed messages and everyone interprets things differently. Sometimes it IS nice to be seduced! In a safe, loving relationship it can be nice when you’re not really in the mood and your partner initiates and you say “Not right now” but they just stroke you gently and whisper sexy things and you change your mind…but how can he/she know if you are not interested but persuadable vs. really meaning no 100%? What if you have a history of abuse or just not being able to say no and it took all your strength to say “Not right now” that one time and you just can’t bring yourself to say it again? Is it still rape if you “give in” to someone pestering you for sex when there’s no actual threat to your safety or your way of life?
Is it possible for there to be a crime with no criminal? Can there be a rape with no rapist? In high school I had a friend who would sometimes get drunk on the weekends. The next day she would call me and be upset because she had had sex with her ex-boyfriend again. Over the course of several months she called me crying many times and I was very angry with her ex for using her this way. Then I actually attended one of the parties and I saw her approaching him when she was drinking, and when I tried to stop them from going to the bedroom, she got mad at me for getting her her way. He never had any idea that he was “using her”…he just knew that she wanted to have sex with him at parties. They had had drunken sex before, so how was this any different to him, especially when she was the one starting it every time?
Is it even possible to avoid these kinds of situations from happening? Clearly respect is a big issue here…both respect for yourself and for the other person…but when the other person isn’t talking, how can you know?
(Just to be clear, I meant “you” in the general sense throughout my response.)
My husband and I often clash when we talk about rape. Let me say this first– he is a wonderful, gentle man, who thinks any ahuse of a person is wrong. He clearly does not condone rape in any way whatsoever.
But, as soon as these so-called “borderline” rape cases (eg when it’s not a stranger jumping out of the bushes at you– which we all want to believe is what most rape cases are, b/c then it’s clear-cut and easy to villify… and know WE won’t ever be like THEM) are brought up, he gets defensive. Because he can see himself in that position of having taken things too far without even knowing it. I can see him start to question if he’s ever done that to a girl without realizing it at the time, and that brings such huge guilt and awful feelings that he just shuts down and gets defensive.
And before I understood this, I’d get screaming mad because how could anyone possibly try to defend the suspected “attacker” in the situation? (because I could put myself in the girl’s/victim’s (because, clearly, the victim is not always the girl and the attacker is not always the guy) shoes, and see how easily it could happen to *me* and I’d get defensive and protective on that end).
This post is the best explanation I’ve seen of how easily this can happen. Thanks for writing this, and for sharing it. We’ve tried talking about how these things can be prevented, and how to talk to our son about it (he’s now just 2 years old) so that he can prevent himself from being in either position. It’s not sexy to, in the middle of fooling around, stop and ask, “Ok, are you sure about doing this? Really? You’re SURE? Ok. Really? That’s a definite ‘yes’ then?” but it almost seems like that’s what needs to happen.
Thank you for writing this.
I didn’t read this as an excuse, but a revelation, a confession, and a warning. It’s one of those things you don’t realize until it’s pointed out to you, and once it’s pointed out to you you see how obvious it is — but, as you said, rape culture socializes us to not see it this way. The more we talk about it, and share stories and experiences, the more we’ll start to see how rape culture/ sexism (guys always “want it,” girls are supposed to be hard to get & say no even if they don’t mean it)/ kyriarchy/ etc. has twisted our view of these things.
Partners who tell you how they feel are to be cherished. From when younger I remember the common assumptions that one persists despite discouragement. I got lucky. Early on I realized that the other one involved was someone with as much right to control as I had. This is not an encouraged piece of the culture in many places. The usual culturization is to determine who is in charge. Boys were encouraged to be in charge, girls to pretend to let them while controlling things themselves. War between the sexes is the common cliche. The really bad part is that who wants what when varies so much, and the assumptions so seldom do.
Anyway, thanks for this post.
Thank you for this post.
I am a 40 year old male member of the species who tries his damnedest to perceive and treat the world as equitably as possible. I was pleasantly surprised to read your post. Gender, race, culture and even cognitive ability are demarcations that do not even compare to the similarities.
I’ve been a very emotionally sensitive person all my life. Hearing many of my female friends describe stereotypical qualities of the men in their lives reminded me of my female relationships. I have felt everything emotional they have felt. The biological differences may have caused some differing reactions in certain situations, certainly, but we are more alike than we are different.
It’s high time we stopped (as much as we can) using gender as a demarcation. It hurts equality.
Peace.