Comments on: On identity and “who [I] bone”

By: Missa

Missa — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 19:07:40 +0000

This is the first post I came across on your site. I just wanted to leave my two cents worth and let you know that after reading only one post, I think you are an incredible woman/person/parent. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with the world. Keep on sharing and I am going to keep on reading…now to just go and get myself slightly caught up and read some more of your posts!

By: Arwyn

Arwyn — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 08:35:03 +0000

Hah, yes. A friend of mine was a virgin until he was 28 — but because he’s straight, his sexuality was never seriously questioned (which is not to say he didn’t receive taunting about the “lack”, which is a WHOLE ‘nother topic); whereas I, 28 year old queer woman who has “only” had sex with one-person-besides-myself ever? I’m questioned all the fucking time — when I’m not just assigned to the straight box.

I don’t know what this individual thought about the quality of their comment, but they left it anonymously, which does not speak highly of them to me. (Anonymous to share personal information I’ll gladly accept. Anonymous to attack? Um, no. Then I call you coward.)

And I, too, am bipetual, with a mostly-German Shepherd and a probably-part-Maine Coon. Or really I’m panpetual (I want chickens, anna tortoise, anna parrot, anna ferret, anna goat, an’…), but The Man (and, ok, our lease) limits us to just the two. Who, by the way, do not “fight like cats and dogs”: there I go, blowin’ apart another stereotype.

By: kaninchenzero

kaninchenzero — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 07:45:30 +0000

Only het virgins have an orientation. The rest of us have to actually do all the permutations (and holy cow do there get to be some permutations yeesh) before we are graciously permitted to finally claim that which was ever ours.

Of course my sexuality doesn’t define all of me. It defines a lot of me but so does being disabled and being a gamer and liking cats and dogs (total chaos!). This individual really felt this was a stinging rebuttal?

By: The Nerd

The Nerd — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 21:20:14 +0000

I have always defined sexual orientation as who turns us on, not who we bone. Otherwise, “virgins” would be defined as people who have no sexual orientation at all, and I think we all know that’s simply not true.

By: Erin W. / Beatnik Momma

Erin W. / Beatnik Momma — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 07:10:42 +0000

Thank you posting this! I really wondered what you were going to say about this guy, about your views on the situation.

Of course our sexuality defines us. Everything we do defines us and is a part of our being, even the smallest little intricacies. I’m the breastfeeding mother of a teething 10 month old. The teething part there might not really sound like it should define me, but for now? It does. Know why? It effects who I am today. I am grumpier today because my nipples got mashed harder than I am used to and I’m a little sore. So yeah. Things like “who we bone,” these things that are not the smallest little intricacies, but big honking declarations of how we see the world DO define us no matter how sad it makes the guy who commented. To deny that is to deny the air we breathe.

By: Arwyn

Arwyn — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 21:51:02 +0000

It took all of my extraordinary restraint to keep from belittling the commenter for that “who’s”. Which I have now made pointless by, um, belittling the commenter…

I’ll join you in grade school. We can have a party where we clear the desks away and put on bad pop music and shuffle around pretending to dance.

By: Lucy

Lucy — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 21:28:55 +0000

You’re welcome for digisexual. And you’re right on the head about this being hate speech. It’s why people feel free to say things like, say, “No woman ever enjoys giving a blowjob.” and then, when women claim that they actually do enjoy doing that, say “No one wants to hear about your sex life!”. Because heaven forfend we tell the truths of our lives and end up disproving society’s or even other people’s pet theories about who we are. Thanks for speaking up about your truths. Keep it up.

By: Howie Montgomery

Howie Montgomery — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 16:47:54 +0000

I always say I’m Situational. Sometimes I dig a chick. Sometimes I dig a dude. It’s not gender that attracts me. It’s the person. The situation we find ourselves in. Oh, and I’ve been with the same dude for 13 years. ‘Cuz this situation suits me just fine.

By: The Maven

The Maven — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 16:42:41 +0000

I think you said this SO much better than many of us could, myself included. Very well written, and very true.

That being said, I just about spit coffee out all over my screen when I read the “who you bone” comment. Sorry, but I did. I couldn’t help it. For all my forward thinking, I’m still stuck in grade school sometimes :P

By: Susannah

Susannah — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 10:17:37 +0000

Beautifully written, thank you for sharing <3
And to the person who wrote that comment about "who you bone" – I hope you read this, links and all. You quite obviously need to.