Welcome to RMB’s Naked Pictures of Faceless People, a series of guest posts from diverse anonymous bloggers. (Read more about NPFP’s origins.) These are the posts that are jumping to get out of us, but for whatever reason — safety, embarrassment, conflict of interest, protection of loved ones’ reputations or feelings, or so on — we don’t or won’t or can’t post at our own blogs. Anyone is welcome to submit or discuss a potential post by emailing me at arwyn at raisingmyboychick dot com.
Marriage, Redefined
As far as anyone can tell, we are a typical family.
We’re a middle class couple living in the suburbs with three kids. He drives a sedan, I a minivan. He has a white collar job, I stay at home. Our children would best be described as well-adjusted, bright and happy. We volunteer at the school, around the neighborhood, in our community. By exterior appearances alone, we are normal to the point of boring.
But everyone has a secret, do they not?
Ours is that we have an open marriage. And it works, too. In fact, I would argue that it works better than if we were monogamous.
We weren’t always so non-traditional. We were high school sweethearts, and for the first several years of our relationship, I was completely opposed to anything other than the norm: two people together, and that should be enough. Anything beyond fantasizing about a movie star was strictly off limits. I believed a lot of the misinformation out there about open marriages: The only person who benefits is the man, the woman only does it to make her partner happy and/or try to save the marriage, and it will surely – beyond a doubt – destroy your relationship.
So far, I’ve found none of these things to be true.
I was the one who brought up the idea of swinging – the term that best fits our marital lifestyle – eight years ago. I had always been curious about women, and thought I might be bisexual, but had never had the opportunity to have an experience with another female before becoming a wife and mother. My partner certainly wasn’t opposed to the idea, and was willing to let me try this on my own if that was more comfortable for me.
But I wanted it to be our experience, as a couple. We found just the right person – a long time friend of ours who has been in a successful open marriage for years – and had a great time. It wasn’t awkward, it didn’t put stress on our relationship, and it seemed to emphasize our strengths: Trust, honesty and communication. Without those, we couldn’t sleep with other people. However, without those, I wouldn’t want to anyway. Feeling secure and loved is essential in any marriage, but especially in an open one.
So, why do we do it? I don’t do it to please him, nor he to please me, or to save a marriage that needs no saving. We love each tremendously, and agree that if either of us ever wants to go back to a monogamous lifestyle, we’ll do it without question.
We look swinging as an extension of our already amazing sex life. Bringing other people into the bedroom on occasion (and those occasions are fairly rare due to how busy our lives are and because we don’t often go out looking for new opportunities) is, to us, a lot like using sex toys, watching porn, or telling each other fantasies. It’s another way to spice things up and share something new and exciting together. I have had the opportunity to sleep with a few other people without my husband present, but I much prefer to have him there. We both agree, however, that having the option be intimate without the other spouse – after clearing it with the other person first, of course – feels liberating, even if seldom used.
I don’t think we’re any better or worse than other couples because we have an open relationship, nor do I believe this is a lifestyle that would suit everyone. However, in an age where the divorce rate is sky high and people are feeling more disconnected from each other than ever, maybe we need to be more open-minded about our definition of marriage.
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Great post! I could have written a good portion of it, although we always intended to have an open marriage. We stayed monogamous during those difficult early-parenting years but as our personal time and energy increased, we went exploring. Our adventures have taken us to some amazing places—together and apart—and have made me even more grateful to have my wonderful partner at my side.
We also have an open marriage, and it’s the best possible thing for us. We were both polyamorous before we got together, which helped as we were over the 101-level mistakes by then. Making the transition from within, as you have, is much more difficult in my experience. Congratulations on doing it well and happily!
Hear hear! I was hoping one of these posts would address open relationships/polyamory/nonmonogamy. My husband and I are in an open relationship also, though we identify more as polyamorous than swingers – it’s just the two of us right now (down from three, alas), but we keep our hearts and minds open and maybehopefullyeventually we’ll find another someone(s) to partner up with.
Many happy trails to you and yours!
I definitely agree this isn’t you for everyone. It does take hard work and communication and trust.My husband, of 10 yrs and I have been discussing polyamory and how our marriage is so different from our friends’. I think we have the potential to be poly, we just haven’t met anyone special enough to invite into our lives like that.
I like that you said it was something you wanted to experience as a couple. To me it has always been about taking the journey together. I have no desire to just have sex with another person, that really isn’t the goal. I trust and love my husband so much it is all about the pleasure and pushing our boundaries, exploring ourselves hand in hand. It is about sharing what we have with another person(s), enhancing our relationship through that person. It could be just sexual or both sexual and emotional or just emotional connections. I just love my husband so much I want him to have as much pleasure as he can. If that involves another woman then great. I am not a jealous person, never have been. Seeing him happy is what gives me a thrill.
Being able to share with my husband feels so good, whether it is my fantasies, info about an online friend I have, or maybe another person. It creates this intimacy that is so satisfying to me, more than sexually too.
I think more people need to throw the stereotype of man + woman +2.5 children = happiness out the window. Look at what is inside you and what you want. Trying to fit into a cookie cutter marriage can actually “cut” parts of you off just like the scraps of cookie dough left over.
I suppose we do too. Before kids we did some swinging together, our limit has always been that we’re geographically isolated. Since kids I haven’t done anything, but I’m more than happy for my husband to when he’s been away a few times. We’ve discussed all the rules we’re happy with and he follows them, then phones me and tells me all about it! I think it helps that he’s bi – I don’t have any problems with another man, but I wouldn’t want him being with another woman without me there.
I’d never even heard of anything like swinging before meeting him, but he was pretty messed up. He was someone who’d been involved in both swinging and fairly serious relationships (polyamory?) but it was all hidden from the rest of his life, including his wife. Being able to be open and honest with me has been amazing for him, I love that I have given him a safe space, and enjoyed myself too!
I hate the assumptions that anyone in an open relationship must be miserable. I know of someone recently who was asking for help dealing with her sister, who is married with a boyfriend. Everyone else was talking about the poor husband, I was the only one who pointed out he was an adult, he knew the score and if he had lived with it this long he might just be happy with the situation.
I’m glad that this is working for you, and I think that it’s great that you’re talking about it. I do have to admit, though, I think I am maybe too jealous to make it work. I suppose the most important thing in any relationship is to know yourself, and know what does and doesn’t make you happy. We don’t all have to have the same answers.
It is so nice to hear this not oft admitted lifestyle. I just want to thank Arwyn for making a post series where we readers can hear so much raw truth and the writers who are willing to show us inside their lives.
You are very welcome. I’ve been honored by all the entries received so far, and there are more waiting to be published!
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