Comments on: WFPP Guest Post: Can Mama Bear Let Go?

By: Grin and bear it? Parenting, happiness and the pressure cooker | PhD in Parenting

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 23:39:42 +0000

[...] to block out voices that are telling you that you are a bad mother if you do not do XYZ? No. Is it easy to let go enough to allow others to form a bond with your child? No. But it is important, at least to me, in finding my route to happiness. I need breaks from my [...]

By: From Bacon to Bratwurst (and a vegan cafe) | PhD in Parenting

From Bacon to Bratwurst (and a vegan cafe) | PhD in Parenting — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 03:29:52 +0000

[...] will be at home and Daddy will be going to work. This will give me a much needed opportunity to come back into the cave and reconnect with my kids. It will also be an opportunity for us to try new things together. We [...]

By: sarah jo (@pedalprincess)

sarah jo (@pedalprincess) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 21:52:42 +0000

Annie, thanks for this heartfelt post. I agree with the commenters that say being a WOHM is hard. I can relate to the inner struggle that Naomi writes about. But then I also think that WOH is the best for both my nearly 2-and-a-half-year-old and me. He needs the child play, education and interaction and I need adult interaction, mental challenges and a feeling of accomplishment outside of motherhood. Still, I think about him often throughout the day and the mornings when he asks if we can stay in bed instead of going to work and “school” are what do cause me to question whether I’m making the right choices. I have done my best to practice attachment parenting, breastfeeding (until he was 14 months), occasional co-sleeping, etc. though it hasn’t been easy. Trust and letting the little things go is the toughest. My mother puts it this way: If you are that bent up about every little thing that your child is going to encounter, then you should be the one there with him every day. I have to agree with her.

By: July

July — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 19:44:01 +0000

Wow, Michelle, that was a courageous decision.

I totally agree with you that trusting the caregiver is a huge component in becoming at peace with WOH. In my case, I have my daughter in a home daycare 3x/week and with my mother-in-law the other 2 days. Like you, I don’t trust that my parenting values are being respected. I think it does make thing a lot more difficult, emotionally.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 23:31:56 +0000

@July-I have a 16 month old as well and was home for the first 3 months before going back to work. I am like you. It did not get easier. Not one bit. It hurts Every. Single. Day.

I am familiar with Annie’s blog and a big fan and as usual she lays things out so concisely. She has very specific criteria that is being met so that this situation works for her and I don’t know about you, but that is not the case for me. My father watches my son, while I am at work and while I know he loves him and looks out for his best interest at all times, I am not always confident that my values as a parent are being respected. That makes a huge difference. Annie has created an environment that allows her to get quality time with her children and nurture those relationships. My current schedule doesn’t provide that and I know that is a large part of my unhappiness too.

For me, the stress was too much and I actually just quit my job last week. My last day is next Friday. I bring in 50% of the family income, so financially, it’s probably not the wisest decision I’ve ever made. After doing this for over a year, it just didn’t make sense to continue this way-with me miserable and it having a negative effect on my son. My husband and I made the decision that we can live with the fact that we may lose our house. It was an extremely difficult decision to come to and a very scary move to be making but it is the right thing for our family right now. Being the primary breadwinner, I am sure you have even less choice. I know exactly how you feel, July, so I wish you all the best and hope that there are some changes that can be made to create a situation that is easier for you.

By: A guest post and another popularity contest | PhD in Parenting

A guest post and another popularity contest | PhD in Parenting — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:02:00 +0000

[...] goes off to work each day and leaves her children in her partner’s care. My post is called Can Mama Bear Let Go? Here is a brief excerpt: A baby develops a connection to its mother as it grows in the womb. That [...]

By: Katherine

Katherine — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 13:30:39 +0000

This is so interesting, and so useful. I had a full year off from things with my little girl, and even then leaving her for 3 days a week (even though I was visiting the nursery in the middle of the day for her to nurse) was wrench. She’s now, at 2, gone up to four days a week and it’s another wrench.

But I have to remind myself that she is adaptable far beyond my expectations. Each time a change has occurred (like when I stopped going into the nursery to feed her in the middle of the day), it has been ME that has found it difficult rather than her. Each time we (myself and my husband) have explained to her what is going to happen, how things will be from now on, and assured her that everything is safe (and never quite knowing how much she has understood, but tone of voice helps, right?), she has rolled onto into the new situation with narry a waver, while I guilt myself consistently.

In an odd way, it’s been both harder and easier for my husband. He had to return to work three weeks after she was born (two weeks paternity leave rolled together with one week annual leave) and then, he had to return again after he took a three month sabbatical to be with her from 9 months old to 12 months old. But there are fewer expectations of him from other people. No one expects men to take significant time off to spend with their infant children, so he got major fathering points for taking the time off that he did, for example. Whereas I feel the weight of other people’s approval/disapproval. When it becomes clear that I am “still” breastfeeding, I get the funny looks, not him.

And as a consequence, I take it all upon myself. So for me, the “letting go” is the letting go of internally and externally imposed judgements. That is what, eventually, is setting me free.

By: Annie @ PhD in Parenting

Annie @ PhD in Parenting — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 02:04:05 +0000

Trish:

I think abrupt separation from the birth mother can be traumatic. That is why a gradual transition is important. I think if a family knows that the mom is not going to be the primary caregiver for most of early childhood, then it is best to have the person who is going to be the primary caregiver develop an attachment early on.

In a post that I wrote about my husband, I have a picture of him wearing our daughter when she was just a few days old (http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/20/an-attached-dad/). By taking an active role right from the start, she developed an attachment to him. My mother also plays a key role in caring for our kids and she was also involved in their lives right from the start.

By: Trish

Trish — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 15:55:33 +0000

Annie, You talk here mostly from the perspective of the mother (or father, or other adult caregivers). What about the perspective of the infant when this separation from the birth mother occurs? What does the infant go through, chemically or attachment-wise, when they are forced for whatever reason to be separated? Unfortunately, as much as we as parents can try to mitigate the crises that might occur in the infants mind when a birth mother goes back to work, we can never really know how it is going to affect the infant when the separation happens. (Are there studies that give us more information on this?) I can’t help but feel that, when possible, it might be better to err on the side of caution in preventing birth mother and child from being separated, if it is at all possible.

By: Annie @ PhD in Parenting

Annie @ PhD in Parenting — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 14:42:53 +0000

July:

For me, it did get easier. It doesn’t mean that it is always easy, but it is easier now than it was when my baby was 6 months old. But I don’t think your colleagues are necessarily right to assume it gets easier for everyone. I think some people adjust better than others. I also think some people do numb themselves and others don’t.