My breasts ache.
The Boychick hadn’t nursed in two weeks, then asked for milk again one morning. He latched on for half a minute each side, as much as I could stand, as little as I could stand to offer him.
I thought that was why my breasts were aching.
Might it be…? It couldn’t be. I’m sure it’s not. I’m pretty sure it’s not… it isn’t, right? No, of course not. The timing was wrong — right — whichever.
Since his maybe-sort-of-probably-weaning, I’ve been wanting my breasts more involved in sex again — something that was extremely uncomfortable both physically and psychologically to me for a long time — so I thought maybe that’s why my breasts ache.
Really sure it isn’t, look at the dates, they’re all wrong, it couldn’t be, it must be my period, I’m sure that’s it and oh I wish we’d charted this month to avoid this not-knowing not-sure really-sure but maybe-not.
My breasts never ached before menstruation before — or was it that I never noticed it before? Is the aching new, due to changes from weaning, or something always there that had gone unobserved? Nevertheless, aching they are, and I am sure (am I sure? whispers the doubt, and how I have/n’t missed that thrilled horrified uncertainty) it is from an impending period. Fairly sure. Perhaps just unsure enough. And so I am paying attention to my body.
And I feel it. I swear, I feel the moment my uterus starts to let go, let down, I know. A trip to the toilet not half an hour later confirms it — spotting only, for now, but enough: it’s here.
As expected a marginally-tolerated guest as it is, as much as I am resigned to the upcoming pain and mess and annoyance, that I knew, that I was that present in my body, paying that much attention, even if it was due to laziness and achiness and no no it can’t be but it might be and that wouldn’t be terrible but it isn’t and that’s better uncertainty… that body-knowing thrills me.
And it makes me wonder, why am I not this present in my body always? This beautiful, big, bloody, beaten-but-not-broken body of mine, me in all ways that matter — is this not worthy of my attention? Am I not?
I am. You are. Where are you now? Your body, dis/abled, in pain, in pleasure, in unjudged experience — what do you feel? What does it say, that we ignore each day, sometimes because it’s the only way to make it through, too often because we deem it unimportant?
What’s going on in your body? Right now?
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I only wish I had this level of body awareness! This is the second month that we have been trying to get pregnant. The first month resulted in an early miscarriage, and this month I got my period but it was late. The cruelty! I haven’t been late once since I started menstruating again after breastfeeding. Ordinarily, you could set your watch to it. So I spend a good period of time in the days leading up to when it would be due thinking – is it? could it be? The only conclusions I’ve been able to draw is that:
1) I am a deeply neurotic person
2) There are no discernable differences between PMS and pregnancy symptoms
3) ‘when you want to get pregnant, there’s nothing more awful than waiting for something not to happen
I hàd the same symptoms in the summer of 1997. My oldest had been weaned for almost a year, but the breast tenderness was awful. I squeezed…out came the smallest bit of white liquid! I scooped him up & went to buy a pregnancy test. Within SECONDS, there was the line of positivity! What a surprise! We weren’t fully decided about having more children, but my wonderful “happy-accident” really made our family complete! Pay attention to those breasts, ladies! They just might be the first indicator that your family is going to grow!
I love this post. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about listening to my body, specifically my moods. I have a lot of trouble with my moods – they swing viciously and when they do I can’t cope and get insomnia and migraines and what not. There are a whole bunch of other things that I should listen to to know when I need to take action before it gets to that stage – more sleep, more exercise, more down time usually helps. But I find my head so busy I can’t often hear it. I’m reminding myself my body isn’t just a baggage attached to my brain, it has its own requests and demands.
(You inspired me to write my own period post, today. Mine isn’t nearly as intuitive as yours, naturally.)
I have been spending the last week trying to be more consciously aware of my body, and particularly my posture. It’s amazing how unaware you can be, and for how long. I have spent so much time stooping and slumping that it feels odd to stand upright. There’s just so much in our days when we have small children that it’s easy to forget about our selves. We deserve better, though, I say.
Mostly I’ve been focusing on my stomach–that’s what I do when I’m pregnant. Have I eaten enough? Have I eaten too much? Am I sick? Am I well enough to function? It’s a journey.
I read this and thought of you: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/10/magazine/10psyche-t.html?pagewanted=1&ref=magazine
What do you think of this? I would be fascinated to see how you view kyriarchy in relationship to this sort of Westernization. It’s interesting how we are fucking up the planet as fast as possible. :(
Love this post. I have spent most the past five years in an “am I? Aren’t I?” loop. I usually am. LOL.
<3
right now my body is screaming at me “get this invader out of me!”
when i got my fertility back with Addy at 9 mo, i almost bleed to death, lots of hemmoraging, had a d&c, no discernable cause according to all the medical “professionals”. cycles were off for a very long time. then regulated with the help of Vitex, got pregnant with Niamh, and afterwards was ammenorheic for a long time. this time as i got my fertility back, i again, started to hemmorage and bleed out. thankfully the CNM in the practice my MD is in is a fabulous cnm who admitted she had a suspicion but didnt know exactly what it was, refered me to a specialist, had an u/s and it was confirmed, adenomyosis.
pretty much, it is endometriosis, only instead of the endometrial lining being outside of my uterus, it is in the muscles of my uterus. so for months i bled heavily, waking in pools of blood every morning, clots the size of golfballs at the smallest, feeling incredibly ill, with intense birth like cramping all the time.
the only two “fixes” are Mirena, or a hysterectomy.
so, we went for the mirena. and now my body is trying to birth it. sideways.
it hurts. i am constantly bleeding, only thank the stars not as badly as i was before the Mirena. i am cramping like i am birthing, all the time.
so now. i have to endure this. and it hurts, and i am hyper aware of my uterus, my cervix, my vagina, all of my PC muscles, everything. i am hyper aware of my ovaries feeling like they will burst with hormones to counteract the hormones in the Mirena… and it is driving me MAD.
hopefully soon i will get insurance, and get this taken out, and get the hyst i need but dont want.
I have been extremely surprised to discover, post the birth of my little girl, that I now know when I am ovulating. To the second, it seems. I have a day feeling a sort of period-y discomfort – back ache, bit of bloating – then at some point I’ll feel a few minutes of fairly sharp abdominal pain – then back to normal as if nothing just happened. Is interesting.