I understand what you’re saying, because none of us want to watch our child be the victim of bullying, but I don’t see them as inherently opposing urges. The feminist desire to remove gender-imposed obstacles IS one of the many ways that I try to protect my child. Especially if he turns out to be trans or gender-variant, but even if not, the spectrum of gender clothing options he has available is part of trying to protect him: from the damage of an imposed gender that may not match his true gender; from the damage of limiting gender roles even if his assigned gender is accurate. It seems to me, then, rather a matter of trying to balance all the different ways we try to protect our children, from all the different forces that can damage them.

It bothers me because it accepts the cultural dictate of highly gendered clothing as the default; because it assumes that making an adult political point is the reason to use “girl” clothing on a presumed-boy; because the reason I offer pink and sparkly and lacy clothing to my child (and sometimes used them before he was able to chose clothing) is for my child in spite of the world, not to gain political points.

It seems to be just another case of the kyriarchy’s divide-and-conquer tactics: paint one side as gender-conforming sheeple, the other as baby-hating hard-asses, when the truth is, we’re all just pretty much doing what we think is best given a really shitty set of circumstances.

The ultimate question: how do I encourage my children to express their gender identity, whatever it is, in a way that feels right to them without imposing my own politics (or preferences)? That’s what I struggle with.

Also, Summer really hit the nail on the head when she said it’s a balance between our ideals as feminists and as mothers who want to protect their children. If I put my son in a dress in order to make a statement, and he has not expressed a desire to wear that dress, and he faces the ridicule of ignorant people, have I done the right thing? At the end of the day, it is about choosing battles, and trying to subvert the whole “boys don’t wear girls’ clothes” thing before my son even wants to is not a battle I’m going to choose, probably.

My daughter is extremely girly. By the time that she was 18 months old she wanted only pink, frilly, sparkly things, in spite of my ideas to the contrary. I wanted to dress her in comfortable play clothes, and she wanted to wear her Christmas dress every day. Which, you know, is her choice. I can’t see forbidding it.

Anyways, by the time that my son was 6 months old or so he was already looking up to his sister like crazy. And since we have loads and loads of ‘girly’ stuff, he often gravitated towards it. If you held up a tiara and a ball, he would go for the tiara every time. So, having an opposite gender sibling really kind of neutralizes the gender playing field, in my experience.