I think if I could focus on one thing for just an hour, I could do anything. The number of half-finished posts sitting in my queue is staggering. The number of further ideas I’ve had is uncountable (I lose count anyway, but then, if I could focus for an hour, I probably wouldn’t).
My mood has been a lot more stable than it was, so I’m not sure what’s going on, and why I can’t finish anything. I seem to be stuck in a cycle where I stay up to try to work, and get some done, but then realize I’m not going to finish in anything like a time frame that will get me enough sleep to avoid insanity, and set it aside — repeat the next night, but more tired and even less focused this time, and with more ideas from the new day, so there’s even more to choose from. And so on.
And although my mood has stabilized, I’ve been having a lot more migraines in the past month or so, which make it almost impossible for me to think or form coherent sentences. I’m working on fixing this, again, but like my mood regulation, it’s slow going. (It’s possible I might have spent a bit of time swearing at my neurology recently. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. And yet, my brain is my self’s home, that without which my self would not be my self: how can I hate it?)
I still haven’t found a regular way to get time during the day when I can work uninterrupted, either, although possibilities are on the horizon, and we’re exploring options. I don’t want to get into the details right now, and some plans have fallen through (we tried doing a childcare swap: the parents were willing, but the children were… incompatible. which is to say, mine tried to kill hers. alas.), but we’re still looking and still hopeful and trusting that some way, some solution that honors the Boychick and my sanity and our bank account all will be found.
I’ve also been making the choice to be more mindful with the Boychick during the day, rather than fight with him while I try to work. (One of the 3/4 finished posts in my queue is on mindfulness: I couldn’t focus — stay in the moment — long enough to finish it tonight. Ha. Ha.) Which makes my parenting better, and my life less stressful, but doesn’t help get content up — which eventually adds stress as well, because this blog, this project, is something I love and that fuels me, and not adding to it makes me quite unhappy.
And then there’s Twitter. As I said there tonight: “I think Twitter has broken my already-limited ability to focus on a single thing to completion. On the other hand, kick ass convos. Dilemma.” Which is almost true, but not quite there, I think. Twitter, and the remarkably interesting and for the most part lovely people I’ve met there, certainly enables distraction, and gives me somewhere to go when my mind says “ack! do something else!”, but I don’t think it actually creates the urge to defocus, and ultimately it’s that urge that does me in. If it weren’t Twitter, it would be something else — before Twitter, it was something else.
All in all, I’m in this weird limbo place, and I’m not sure what to do about it. But in the immortal words of Monty Python: “I ain’t dead yet!” Nor is the blog. We’re just… stewing. Brewing. Percolating, perhaps. I’m not quite sure what’s coming, but that’s ok. I’m pretty sure it’ll be tasty, and I’ll definitely be sharing.
Arwyn
In my bathroom hangs a plaque with a picture of a yin yang and the word BALANCE. I can never get it to hang straight. This probably says something deep and meaningful about my life.
Ah, mindfulness. I could take a lesson in that right now myself. Focus has been hard this week. So much to do and seemingly so little time. Prioritizing has been a must but it is so easy to get caught up in twittering and reading posts that sitting down to do some serious writing, mostly for my school application but also for the blog, has taken a back seat somehow. Must get back on track. Must do schoolwork first. Passionate love affair with blogging will return once other things are out of the way…
I like using the “15 min” thing when I get stuck with way too much to accomplish. Pick something to do, like in my case, “clean out the garage”. Then look at the clock. Then start doing for 15 min. Even if I just shuffle things around a little bit, maybe throw away a few items… at least it is something toward the end goal. Once the 15 min is up, then stop. It does help to tackle things in bite-sized amounts!
Stewing, brewing, percolating. . .I’m here <3
I’ve been suffering at the hands of shorter naps. It’s amazing how much you can’t get done when a pleasantly long nap (4 hours) turns into a pleasantly short one (1.5 hours at best). And how much work I can get done on any particular day is really difficult to predict. One day, the toddler will want me to be involved in everything she’s doing ever second of the day; and the next day she’ll be completely contented doing her own thing. The planner in me hates it, but if I roll with it we are both better for it.