One of the big ways I end up using “okay” in dealing with my depression is in feeling guilty about accepting help. There are days when I’m very low and the darkness swirls fast and deep and I know that companionship, hugs and empathy will make me feel better, or at least less alone in the darkness which sometimes is the best I can hope for. But I feel guilty asking even my closest friends and family (who are the only ones I would even think about asking) to change their plans and alter their lives just to help me. In my mind, I’m ultimately “okay” in that I’m not afraid (anymore, thank the gods for that) of what I might do and so asking people to go out of their way seems inappropriate, selfish and “high maintenance”.

I’ll even sit on the phone with my partner, crying, worrying him and silently praying that he’ll come over while at the same time insisting that “no, I’m ‘okay’ I don’t need you to drop everything and drive over” or that “I’m okay and you shouldn’t have to come over”. I know in my heart of hearts that there are massive elements of sexist, ableist and other -ist forces at work telling me I shouldn’t be “sick” that I shouldn’t ask for help, that I should be able to manage and that I shouldn’t need “a man” to feel better (that last one kills me-it’s not about the man, it’s about the person, the friend, the warmth and kindness and compassion and yet, my own gendered roles clashing with my feminism lead me to even more guilt, blah!).

So yeah, while “okay” is sometimes helpful, such as when it’s a reminder that ultimately I am and will be okay and that the moods are just moods, that my life will go on and the light will return, it’s also a double edged sword that leaves me thinking I’m “not really sick” or that I “should” be able to manage on my own even when I know I need help and that there are wonderful loving people in my life who would be happy and willing to offer me the support I hate to ask for.

I guess the piece I’m still working on is to be “okay” with myself and make it “okay” to respect and support my limitations and needs.

I really like that. I need to remember that I have the right to not answer people’s questions.

Most days I’m well. Some days not so. I hope to one day come to the peace you have with your lot in life. And I’m slowly getting there, day by day, with the understanding and respect of those that do truly love me, or at the very least understand a part of what I go through.

You give us ALL hope. I hope we all do.

^_^