SILs should have their own category of advice on advice, because damn, that’s dicey stuff. I’ve barely talked to my SIL since she had her second kid (the last conversation about parenting was about a year ago, with her telling me about the solids her 4 month old was eating). I have absolutely no desire to have it out with her, and we’re going to be family for decades after the choices of infancy fade away, but the pain of angry words last forever. So for now, few words at all.

I hope and trust you’ll manage this far better than I have. And congratulations on impending aunt-hood!

(Re comment threads: grr, it’s supposed to be 5 deep. Of course, it’s also not supposed to change : ( to and is supposed to email me when I have a comment in moderation, so basically my whole comment system is messed up. :-/ )

I find that when I meet them where they are, talk to them about the stuff that they’re concerned about, that then they’re more willing to hear other perspectives.

Unfortunately, it often comes down to a lack of patience.

Alternative parents often don’t have the patience for mainstream parents – and mainstream parents often don’t have patience for alternative parents. As a stereotype, neither group is seeking to meet each other where they other one is coming from.

Helping people evolve & grow in any context means we have to start where they are, build rapport and trust and let them know we care and understand, and then move forward together in a new direction if that’s the next thing to do.

So if there are mainstream parents giving their kids formula and you don’t think that’s a safe thing to do, you don’t have to forget about those parents and hope they eventually figure out what’s best for their kids…

If you’re really committed to educating parents about formula, then you could start by just making friends with some mainstream parents, connecting with them, and listening to them. Appreciating them for who they are. See if you can understand where they’re coming from. As they experience you as a friendly, safe, loving individual, they’ll be more likely to be receptive to what you have to say about breastfeeding.

Advice that comes outside of an established friendly/trusting relationship can feel harsh and we’re more likely to defend against it. When it comes from someone we trust and we think respects us, we’re much more likely to listen.

P.S. If you have a blog post about the dangers of formula, I’d like to read it and possibly share the news on my magazine site for parents. Thank you.

While unsolicited advice is almost always unwanted, no matter what the topic or reason for the advice, when can we provide info to other parents without crossing any lines? How will other mothers know about the dangers of formula, for example, in cases where breastfeeding is not contraindicated? I wonder where mainstream parents can get good information? Or do we just forget about them and hope someone, somewhere, someday finds the information needed to do what is best for their children? Or is this where blogs come in?

I am not necessarily looking for answers, who has all the answers anyway??? Just wondering how and when we can hope for a more peaceful world for children.

In any case, I don’t think I’m looking for a way to ensure that no one gets mad at me ever. I think I was just looking to vent (mostly) and to say in my own way that this is really hard stuff. It is difficult to know what will be too much for whom under what circumstances. What might really help one parent and one child, may put a major rift in a relationship in another case.

This is something I’ll be balancing in a different way too now that my SIL is pregnant.

I once told someone (who *is* a parenting philosophy evangelist) that I was the kind of person who liked to mull advice over and see if it felt like a good “fit” for me, rather than just thinking “Oh, well, all my friends do X and it works for them, or Parenting Guru Y says it’s the Best Philosophy Ever.” The person in question seemed surprised by this, and responded with something along the lines of “Well, if this has worked well for so many other people, why not just save yourself the time and energy and learn from your older and wiser sisters?” Uhh … because I have an intellect and an intuition and I actually care to use them?

To 1) I say, you do a pretty good job of presenting your information and opinion in a non-judgy way. The nature of that information and opinion is inherently controversial sometimes, which means folks are gonna come in to the topic already activated, especially if they disagree. That’s just the nature of the endeavor, I’m afraid. I don’t think you’re doing anything “wrong” that would need to be “fixed” or changed, though.

2) I think that sounds fairly typical of things I’ve dealt with on the board I work on. I don’t think unsolicited advice is always inappropriate, just that it’s often unwelcomed, and we need to be cautious how and when we offer it, and back off if we’re told it’s not desired. Things are a little different on a discussion forum, though, because not only are we dealing with that individual, we’re creating a resource for the people reading, and sometimes we need to say things for their benefit as well as the person whose situation we’re actually addressing. It still needs to be done respectfully and gently, but it’s not quite the same as a person-to-person situation.

3) That’s absolutely true. I usually try to show by example, or (especially for things like birth, that are once-only, or babywearing, that we sadly rarely get to actually do anymore) just offer a different perspective when someone states a false absolute. Things people take for granted, like “everyone needs a stroller/crib/disposables/bottles/pump”, I’ll usually speak up just enough to say “Not really, actually” or “I know a lot of people who don’t” or just “I never did”. Then they know there are other ways, and have the chance to ask me about it if they want to. And not if they don’t.

I further believe that any advice has to come from a place of best interest of the child and not a desire to condescend or appear as a wise sage.

You sound like a fabulous counselor.