He’s five now, with a one-year-old brother, and I worry that I let far too much of that sort of thing slide. Yes, it’s quicker to tidy up when they’re asleep. Yes, their father goes Out To Work while I snatch moments here and there to do my freelance editing. Yes, I do most of the cooking and laundry. Against that, their father gets up with them in the morning, does a fair bit of visible housework, gets them ready for bed – which is better than nothing, but really not going to undermine the main message.

My five-year-old is aware that there’s a disconnect somewhere. He wants to write a note to all the people who think that boys shouldn’t wear pink and purple (his favourite colours) and tell them they’re wrong. He pointed out to me that Disney’s Aladdin (*spit* – not my fault, ‘k?) has only one woman in it, which is weird. I take what comfort I can from this sort of thing. I’m raising two people who will most likely benefit from nearly all of the various kyriarchal privileges. The best I can do is try to make sure they’re aware of that.

But of course it’s a lot easier to resist kriarchy when you have someone else there who agrees with you on the big issues (like that there even *is* a kyriarchy) and doesn’t slight what you’re doing or actively oppose it. I admit that co-parenting scares me in a lot of ways (and they’re all about *me* and fears of screwing up), but knowing that I will be co-parenting with someone whose parenting philosophy is also mine I is immensely reassuring. Knowing that the child has another parent who’s an unabashed kyriarch is disheartening but that makes it all the more important for my co-parent and step-child that I back her up and console her, take the lead when appropriate, and try to model and teach opposition to kyriarchy (as well as loving them both, of course!). It won’t be a cure all, but I believe that having, as Ruth said, two co-parents who love him and share chores equally will be a significant influence on him.

Onwards and upwards, &c.

It’s like I’m pre-emptively cutting myself slack.  Some days I’ll have the spoons to have a measured and useful response to someone asking for the gender of my futureKid, and other days I’ll take the easy, gender-binary-reaffirming route because dammit I’m tired.  And it’s fine.

(I hope to have written this such that my “This is for me” intent comes through, and so it doesn’t seem like I’m telling you not to worry, or anything.)

It sounds like you’re doing pretty well, given the hand you’ve been dealt. In fact it sounds like you’re doing fabulously. Go easy on yourself if it’s not always completely ideal.