I don’t think that my daughter is that much more compliant than the average kid her age, so I don’t think that’s what made it easier. I have been very lucky in my life to have very little personal experience with violence of feeling powerless, though. I’ve certainly felt frustrated when Rachel didn’t want to cooperate, but I don’t think I’ve ever been triggered by it.

Of course, I also had a terrible time when she was first born. Having a newborn and post-partum depression was so awful that I desperately wanted her to grow up and get to another stage. Somewhere around 6-8 months I started to really enjoy motherhood and it’s just gotten better and better as she’s gotten older. Perhaps my bad experience at the start made anything, no matter what it was like, seem good by comparison.

Then again, I can’t help but wonder if I’ve been too permissive with Rachel. Have I sidestepped the worst of the toddler tantrums by giving in to her too much and not setting strong boundaries? I know I let her get away with a lot more than Daddy does…but actually, I have always gotten more tantrums and fights from her than he has.

This gives me a lot to think about. Thanks.

But, it is NOT something that we have to fall victim or abuser to over and over again!!

There are many emotional techniques available that studies have shown to very effectively relieve these triggers. Of them the two that I practice myself and teach to parents in my parent coaching practice are Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Bio Energetic Synchronization Technique (BEST), and I also follow the approach and philosophy of Radical Forgiveness!!

I have truly been healed myself and have noticed drastic changes in the way I parent and am able to respond to my children. I truly have not found the toddler stage to be as horribly difficult as it has always been described to me and I attribute this to all the years of emotional healing work I have done prior to becoming a parent and still everyday of my life! I have a 3 year old and one on the way right now and have truly enjoyed every minute of our life, even the tantrums as I truly feel I was able to parent and respond in a healthy, positive, respectful, and life nurturing way to my son. His communications skills at his age are out of sight and he is such a very happy and loving little boy!

I just wanted to share that I fully and completely 100% agree with everything everyone has said, but wanted everyone to also know that it does not have to be a trap or a repetitive cycle.

Peace and Blessings to you all,

Leigh Anne

I just encountered your use of the word kyriarchy. I was unaware of this useful neologism and will make a point of learning its subtleties and using it appropriately. My formation of this concept of coercive ordinate relations began with my introduction to Riane Eisler who, in the forward to “Chalice and the Blade” makes reference to a dominator sub-culture that has been on the ascendant across the globe since at least the Bronze Age. I have been finding the word patriarchy increasingly problematic and “adherent to dominator sub-culture values” too awkward. Kyriarchy cuts to the quick of the problem with destructive power imbalances in relations between adults, and hints at the back story, that you explore so adroitly, of the self perpetuation of the sub-culture with abusive child rearing practices. It also helps broaden the concept of abuse to include institutionalized abuse, such is so common in our schools.

I hope it is taken in the vein it was meant when I provide a few credentials in support of my evaluation of your work. I am a pediatrician of 30+ years with extensive experience in the child abuse field and the care of incarcerated minors. In this work I have continued to be frustrated by the very problem you identify (adults traumatized as children and usually amnesic to some degree for the events) acting out these unresolved traumas in relation to children in their care (usually when at the same age as they were when they were abused). Parents who fall into this pattern are capable, as you point out, of great restraint but even the most vigilant such person tends to act out in traumatizing ways at times when triggered. When there is little or no restraint and harmful child rearing practices that they experienced as children are transmitted down the line of progeny, we witness the phenomena of “The Cycle of Violence In Families (substitute your favorite word for Violence),” but it is generally unrecognized that these families are only the tip of the proverbial iceberg, and that vast numbers of families are influenced by this self perpetuating cycle of destructiveness down through the generations. A matter of particular sadness is that many survivors of inappropriate child rearing are attracted to the work arena of child protection and often act out their unresolved conflicts in their official capacities. And virtually all of this happens in the context of rigid denial. Bringing light to this area of darkness is a heroic task.

A corollary of your observation is the pattern of asymmetrical development that occurs in the wake of trauma in childhood. People can progress in their physical and intellectual development but emotionally they remain the small child. My quip is that the prisons are filled with overgrown three year olds. Sometimes I ask people if they have ever lived with someone who was totally self centered, inconsistent in their affections, made messes all over the place and created a constant din. Always the positive respondents are referring to a male spouse, a frat brother or some other annoying adult relationship. Then I tell them I was actually talking about toddlers, bless their hearts.

I will be following what you have to say.

Herb Ruhs, MD

And thanks for delurking!