I know there haven’t been any photos of me on here, nor do I have so much as a profile picture (even though there have been pictures of the Boychick galore, and even of The Man). But it’s not some conspiracy, not a deliberate choice for some misplaced reason of delusions of modesty or anonymity/pseudonymity (I’m aware anyone with half a brain and an hour on google could get enough information about me to be really irritating or scary if so inclined).
No, it’s just that I don’t tend to like photos of myself. And few enough of my close friends or relations are good enough photographers to have produced many photos good enough for me to like (those who are good photographers tend to, rightly!, focus on my beautiful child).
I know it’s both cliched and rather patriarchal to dislike being photographed, but here’s the thing: I actually like the way I look. I think I’m pretty hot. I even know I’m beautiful. I am not ashamed to show myself, my fat, pale, hairy, un-make-up-ed self, in tank tops and shorts and itty bitty string bikinis. My body image and self confidence are in fact quite spectacularly good, especially considering I am a white American female.
That is, until I see myself in photos. Then, I cringe and feel ugly and start to think I should avoid short sleeves, tight clothing, and revealing my face in public.
I don’t know which is the lie and which the truth. I don’t know whether I have an inflated ego normally, or know only photographers who mostly fail at capturing my beauty and grace. But if the image of myself in my head is fantastical, then I choose to live in ignorance. I would rather believe myself beautiful and be wrong than to know the truth and defile my soul with self-hatred.
So there aren’t a lot of photos of myself around, and fewer still I’m happy to share. But since I don’t actually want to be faceless, I’ve been keeping an eye out for photos to use, and I think I may have had some not-totally-cringe-worthy taken recently at a fair.
Without further ado, I lift teh intarwebz curtain, and reveal the blogger behind the posts:
Wait, not what you had in mind? You wanted my face? Ok, how about this?
Still not good enough? Geez you’re picky. Here, I’m looking straight at the camera in this!
*ducks* Ok, ok, I relent: the pictures those were originally based on:
(Is anyone surprised they’re nursing pics?)
So what say you, readership? My 100th post is coming up (this is #99!), and I’d rather like to have a profile pic by then. See anything you like? Post a vote in the comments. (Bear in mind, although I am willing to share these photos, they’re still not easy for me to look at. And no, I’m not fishing for compliments, just commenting on the state of my crazy. Nice face paint though, huh?)
Me, too, TOTALLY! I'm completely comfortable with myself most times. Think I'm hot, sexy, all that good stuff. But, photographs? NO NO NO.
And, actually, that's why I've been posting them like crazy all over the 'net for years… trying to get the fuck over it. It's ridiculous. As soon as I see a photo, I judge as if I should look like a magazine model.
AGRRRHHRHRHRHGGG.
Well done, starting to "get over it."
Love this blog. :-)
–Heather
I love the full picture, the 2nd to last one.
I sometimes still feel similarly about pics of me (although now I'm more self-conscious about my teeth than anything fat-related). I highly recommend taking (and sharing, if you have/want a community for that kind of thing) naked pics. Naked, outside photos are really grand for getting used to seeing yourself in pictures and seeing your body as it is. I also find looking at photos of women who look like me (naked or clothed) really puts things into perspective.
Yeah, the second to last one is good. If you must crop it, please AT LEAST get your whole face! You have such a lovely smile.
The last one (with you in profile) would make an awesome, contemplative-looking profile pic. What rad facepaint!
I second the whole, "feels beautiful normally but not so when I look at myself in photographs" issue. I have a gorgeous wedding pic of myself and my husband, and all I can think of when I look at it is that I didn't take a shower or brush my hair that day (long story).
Also, you're gorgeous! I'd love to have a shot of your face as a profile pic!
Lovely lovely! Love the breastfeeding picture! Face paint is lovely, and so are you! And of course, so is your little chick.
:)
Arwyn….you're beautiful!
Isn't it interesting that we echo your fears, "I'm beautiful until I see a picture, and then…" I suspect that most women (of any size) will tell you they also hate to see pictures of themselves. I know my sister does, and my mother, and several of my good friends. But I also know several men that feel the same way.
I like the third image in an artsy way, and the fourth in strong-powerful-woman way.
So funny. I was just wondering what you looked like. In some way the mystery is good and shows how our eyes send us such unhelpful subliminal messages.
For your profile, I like the eyes photos.
I started taking pictures of myself because there aren't enough.
Plain and simple, I don't look like how I think I look. A friend and I were talking about this, right after she got her portrait taken. Check it out. Cool affects. And I hope she looks as beautiful to herself as she thinks she looks.
http://wickerwomen.wordpress.com/2009/04/22/leah/
Thank you all!
I do think it's interesting I'm not the only one with that feeling. My guess is that in daily life, we see real people, who we know are beautiful, and so we can know we're beautiful too. But in 2D, pictures and video, we've become SO accustomed to hyper-thin, hyper-stylized, air-brushed, false images that seeing a real person doesn't look right. Combine that with a culture that teaches women to look for everything wrong with themselves, and we have insta-dissatisfaction with the way we look.
In other words, I blame the patriarchy. ;-p
I will say I like the artsy/contemplative photos better than the straight-on smiling one, unlike most of you apparently! I'll see what I can make work in the image editing software.
Thank you all for the comments and love, as always! I'm so glad I started this blog, if only to have found such an amazing readership. ^_^
You look so serene, so assured, so at home in your own power. It is beautiful. You are beautiful. Not that it matters what I, or anyone else, thinks. It matters what you think and it sounds like you are in a good place with yourself. That is fantastic.
lol,
Face paint? I thought it was ink!
In my head I have my pre pregnancy body. Occasionally I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wonder who that person is. Not me surely. The thing is I actually know how to pose and crop and do lots of other crafty tricks that hide what I don't like about myself. But then comes the rude awakening when I see someone elses photos of me. Blah.
I think both photos of you are equally lovely!