Comments on: Raising a not-rapist

By: missbehaving

missbehaving — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 09:06:05 +0000

What a thoroughly thought provoking post, it really got me on my toes, realising I have to be waay more proactive with my young sons.
Thank you.

By: Laura Thorpe

Laura Thorpe — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 09:56:14 +0000

I could not agree more. I have a daughter, and before I knew that she was a 'she', I thought often of what my main concerns would be in having a boy to raise. Would it be "easier", (as I often heard) simply for the fact I'd be less worried for his safety from men?
The more I considered it, the more I realized that -in fact- I'd be more worried. For the very reasons your article points out.

So glad that I'm not alone in seeing this important responsibility. Well done!

By: Jenn

Jenn — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:46:39 +0000

Wow. That is some eloquent, profound stuff. It should be an print article for Ms. or Hip Mama or similar. (No pressure, but seriously.)

By: deewana

deewana — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 16:17:42 +0000

these are some stimulating thoughts on the profound influences that adults have on a child's early-childhood experience. i think that the bottom line in any issue of how to guide a child with an eye on future choice-making is the general and loving inculcation of a strong sense of the difference between right and wrong, self-respect and love, and an absolute respect of others, so that no matter what issue your child, growing into an adult, faces, they'll be equipped with the best practice, learned through an experience guided by loving parents, to make the right choices. if you're interested in reading about precisely this issue and others similar to it in the childhood experience in fiction form, check out a book called Let Slip the Dogs of Love (www.eloquentbooks.com/LetSlipTheDogsOfLove.html). it explores in part different ways in which children are influenced during parenting, and how that affects them in adulthood.

By: Arwyn

Arwyn — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 20:12:11 +0000

Ruth – Nah, just said something a little different, and said it differently.

Anonymous: I think it absolutely has everything to do with being a boy. Here's the thing: what we want for both our daughters and our sons is the same: to be fully realized, healthily interdependent human beings (that's what I want, anyway!). There are almost no significant differences between men and women, outside of physical reproduction (and there is enough overlap there that we cannot say men and women are absolutely different even then; witness Thomas Beatie, who is a man who has given birth twice now*, and contrary to popular media belief, he is not the only man ever to have done so), BUT, the way society treats and divides and pressures men and women, and boys and girls, means that if we tried to parent them "exactly the same", our results would be different.

That is, boys are going to be pressured to be aggressive, and arrogant, to think that their opinion always matters. Girls are going to be pressured to be self-hating, passive, and to think their opinion never matters. So in order to raise them both to be people who are both humble and strong, confident and caring, we have to, to some extent, give them different messages. Or rather, emphasize different aspects of the same message to different degrees.

And yes, with regards to rape specifically, boys DO need to get the message that only they can prevent rape, that not-raping is exclusively their responsibility. It is a gendered crime, and therefore its prevention must be gendered.

*Comments disputing, denying, or doubting his manhood will be deleted without recourse.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 18:14:48 +0000

It would be logical to assume that teaching a child not to rape starts very early…teaching a child when they are young about the important things they need to know to become a "good" person in society. I think too many young children are never given that chance and that is why they in many cases become "not good" people. I am not sure it has anything to do with being a boy.

By: Ruth Moss

Ruth Moss — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 07:31:01 +0000

Thanks Arwyn, as always, you're on the money, and you also managed to put it a bit better than I did. *jealous*