28 day cycle! And let’s talk about sex

(But no, I didn’t ovulate on day 14. Interesting factoid: the cycle I did finally conceive the Boychick, I not only ovulated on day 14, but then birthed him at 40w9d, which is the actual average length of gestation for a spontaneous labor in a primipara. He was a by the book baby!)

So I started my period today, indicating another cycle we successfully evaded pregnancy, and I’d like to take a moment to wax lyrical about two of the contraceptive methods we use, both of which are generally poohpoohed or dismissed for the very reason I like them: they either require or accept the male partner’s full involvement.

Method one: “coitus interruptus“, or withdrawal. And no, I don’t mean “pull and pray”. Withdrawal, when practiced appropriately, is just about on par with condoms in preventing pregnancy (my edition of Contraceptive Technologies places it at 94% efficacy when practiced perfectly, compared to condoms’ 95%; the above link places it more at 96% to condoms’ 98%). The reasons it’s not recommended, as opposed to condoms, are: it does diddly to protect against diseases, it’s awfully hard for many to practice perfectly, and it requires the woman to trust and rely on her male partner.

My answer to both the first and the last reasons is: this is why it is not recommended outside of a healthy (emotionally and physically) monogamous relationship, but also why it is a good option inside of one. When almost all other forms of contraception require the woman to do the work (take a pill, get a shot, have a device inserted permanently or temporarily), it’s wonderfully refreshing to have a method that requires the man’s full buy in and participation, and puts the onus on him for once.

To the middle objection, that it’s rarely put into perfect use: well, that’s true. Most people don’t even know what appropriate use of the withdrawal method calls for, which is:

• either a lack of ejaculation or ejaculating far away from the vagina (pulling out barely in time only to spooge on the vulva really doesn’t do any good)
• AND a lack of having already ejaculated in the previous 24 hours

The reasoning for the second is that although “precum” (properly called pre-ejaculate) does not contain sperm (really!), it might wash out sperm that has been hanging out in the urethra from a previous ejaculation. But since sperm don’t survive long at all outside of a fertile vaginal/uterine environment, even that small chance is over after 24 hours.

So, that’s withdrawal: a perfectly acceptable and effective birth control method for those in an emotionally and physically healthy relationship, with a man willing and able to control himself during PIV (penis in vagina) sex, and who can refrain from orgasm in the 24 hours prior to the PIV moment.

The other, as y’all know by now, is the fertility awareness method. This one doesn’t require full male participation (although it does require at least some, since it involves either abstaining or using back up methods during fertile times), but can: in our house, The Man’s alarm goes off at 6:30am every morning, he gets out the thermometer, turns it on, and wakes me up enough to hand it to me, I stick it in my mouth until it beeps to indicate it’s done, he takes it back, and when he gets up he records the temperature. He also records any factors that might influence the temperature, such as illness or time variation, and the date of any PIV sex and the backup contraceptive method used, if any. I (when I, erm, bother to) record my menstruation and cervical fluids (I also used to chart cervical texture and positioning, which was a really strong indicator, but alas that has become unreadable since birthing the Boychick), and do most of the interpreting.

I’m not going to debate or defend FAM much except to say that it is only as effective as the method used during fertile or unidentifiable times: that is, when full abstention is used during all potentially fertile times (about 1/3 of the month for the average woman, closer to 1/2 for me since I have such a short luteal phase), and potentially fertile times are indeed identifiable (they are not for all women) and defined quite conservatively, it can be highly effective. For us, because we use condoms and withdrawal methods during fertile times, it is closer to 94% (possibly even less, because the efficacy numbers for condoms and withdrawal come from using them across the cycle, not just during known fertile times), which we are comfortable with.

There’s something fabulously feminist about a birth prevention method in which a male partner can participate so fully. Not only do I gain so much information about my body and its workings through charting (which would be reason enough to chart, even if a man weren’t involved at all), but we can on occasion have “deliciously natural sex”* without me imbibing anything that alters or affects my biology, and The Man has to do most of the (minimal) work. What’s not to love about that?

I’ve heard and understand the arguments why women shouldn’t rely on men for their pregnancy prevention, and while I understand the need to avoid helpless dependence in most situations, I also think we can go too far into pathological independence. In certain types of relationships, both withdrawal and FAM can be used to encourage male involvement and investment in the birth control method, heighten the relationship between lovers and the quality of lovemaking, and build the best kind of interdependence wherein both parties work together for the benefit of all. And that’s as feminist a goal for birth control methods as any I can think of.

*I love this phrase for PIV sex only inasmuch as “natural” is understood to mean “without barriers or other substances”, and not implying that only PIV sex is “natural”, which of course would be both false and offensive.