So, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I have this slight streak of perfectionism, combined with a crazy voice mental illness that likes to pick up and run with any slight hesitations or doubts that I might have, thereby leaving me paralyzed and unable to do so much as “any” much less “good enough” because then it wouldn’t be “perfect”.
Plus, we seem to have a virus, possibly of the porcine variety.
So, I say fuck that shit. Perfection is the enemy of good enough, so I’m going to cough and hack and spit in its general direction until it’s soaking the sheets in bed, addled by fever enough that it can’t block me from just putting up a damn post already, even if said post sort of sucks.
When I started this blog, well, I didn’t start it. I had the fabulous idea that Someone Should write a blog about the experience of being a feminist raising a boy child (little knowing that, um, it ain’t exactly a new idea), and came up with a catchy title for it, and went and registered it on Blogger. And did nothing.
Did I mention the perfectionism -> paralysis thing?
It wasn’t until a kick-ass writer friend of mine started her own fab (if under-updated) blog that I mentioned my idea to her, and she triple-dog-dared (ordered, actually) me to start posting to it, at which time I, snowed in (in Portland!) and with nothing better to do, put up an introductory post that set the bar so damn low that even I, tied up by perfectionism’s tendrils of doubt and self-flagellation, could trip over it.
Then I remembered a post I’d written elsewhere and put that up*, because I thought it was worth saving, and then wrote a fair amount of filler crap, and a couple interesting (if somewhat straw-based) posts, and got caught by the bug. I was going to Blog, give it the good college try (is this the right place to mention I’ve tried college no less than four times and have yet to graduate?), publish posts daily every two out of three days every other day frequently(ish).
And here we are.
I’m still just starting. I still swear I’m going to prune down my label list, make my own Wordpress theme, buy a domain, and move the blog somewhere prettier and more functional. I still know I have so damn much to learn about my own privilege and prejudices, and needless to say I still have at least 90% left to go in this high-intensity-parenting gig.
But 100 posts? A sizable chunk of which are actually worth reading? That’s pretty cool.
So come celebrate with me. Leave a present: a comment, saying anything, just letting me know you read here, regularly or occasionally. Let me know what you like about the blog, let me know what you want to see in the future, say congrats or good job or keep trying. I know I’m crap at responding to comments, but I read every one, usually about 20 times. So drop a line. It’ll be your good deed for the day.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go down some C and snuggle in bed with perfectionism. We’re both pretty miserable.
*Some of these posts contain language and comparisons I wouldn’t use now, like putting “bad mother” on par with “the n word” (both because, dude, so not in the same league, and because competing oppressions against each other is always a no-win enterprise). Entering the blogosphere, both in reading other blogs and writing out my own thoughts, has been educational and a growing experience in ways I had never anticipated, and that’s a large part of what has kept me going**.
**The rest, of course, being comments from readers, nudge nudge.
Arwyn
In my bathroom hangs a plaque with a picture of a yin yang and the word BALANCE. I can never get it to hang straight. This probably says something deep and meaningful about my life.
Wow, am I the first commenter? I am reading each and every post, although not as carefully as I would always like given that I, too, am raising a little boy. We are three months into the adventure and love him so much, but wow, it is tough! Anyway, yay for your 100th post! Now to work while the little one sleeps
Delurking. Loving on the blog.
K.
Ha! Perfection – paralysis? Why I rarely comment! But here goes.
I enjoy your blog as you know. I also think you're very tough on yourself. I often start blog posts with things like "I realise this is just rambling but I had to say something" – because if I shaped my ramblings over and over in my head until they *were* perfect, I'd never write anything. Plus, I, like you, have a toddler.
So more less-than-perfect posts, please!
(I meant, obviously, that my own tendency towards trying to be perfect, even in comments, is what causes my lack of comments)
100th post! You rockstar!
Thanks for the shout-out too … I better get to updatin' …
Congrats on 100 posts!
Don't know if you've read Ayelet Waldman's "Bad Mother." I've just started it and have found some interesting food for thought.
Congrats on 100 posts! I was challenging myself to 30 in 30 days and lost steam on, oh, day 5. Follow through is not my strong suit.
I do read here though! You're on my google reader so that makes it easy to read, although maybe also easier to not comment. :/
Hi, I'm delurking!
Thank you for making the effort it takes to keep this blog running. I find it very interesting reading; I don't always have the same viewpoint as you on things, but I often find your posts very thought-provoking and sometimes you do make me look at things in a different light. So thank you for that!
Delurking! I rarely post comments on blogs because I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing.
Thank you for writing about feminist son-raising. It's something I think about a lot – I'm not a mama yet, but I will be soon (hopefully) and I expect I will have at least one boy. Thank you also for calling out your own privilege and prejudices as you recognize it. You encourage me to remember to do the same.
Keep up the writing!
I loved your bad-ass mother post. That rocked my world.
I totally hear you on the perfectionism thing. It hits me in a big way, too, let me tell you. I'm glad you got over it.
And congratulations on 100 posts!
Digging it. Will continue to do so.
j.w.
I don't comment much because I feel like I don't have much to say (yet) – I'm here to listen.
I'm expecting my first baby in the fall, a boy, and my biggest worries all center around raising a kid in a sexist world. I have some idea what to do with a girl (after all, I am one and I like to think I've figured a few things out) but I don't know many people who are raising feminist boys.
So the images and impressions I get of boyhood are things like hyper-masculine toys, drab colors, lots of privilege. It's hard to imagine what my kid's life will look like – all I know is it won't be defined by those things!
I read this blog because it gives me a window on what raising a feminist boy can look like.
I'm here! I read all your posts! I love the way your mind works. I agree with other commenters that I think you are very hard on yourself but I know I am the same way to myself so I can relate. Keep posting and I hope you feel better soon!
Love your writing. Love you. Spending way too much time reading you and your commenters and your threads. Afraid of getting lost in the blogosphere, but discovering a whole new world. I'm very proud of you, but don't claim any credit.
–Mom
I'm not exactly "de-lurking" as I wasn't lurking in the first place…this is the first time I've been here and it's very much food for thought! I see much in common between you and I and that's fabulous! I LOVE to meet another "exception to every rule" tis awesome! We're a rare breed that's for sure. I very rarely write in my blogger…far too public for my rantings and ramblings. I blog quite regularly elsewhere…but I'll be adding you to my blogroll. That's for sure. Thank you for being you, and thank you for being here. Blessed be.
Delurking! I got here from MDC and bookmarked it promptly. I think your feminist critique of society from the perspective of parenting your "boychick" is nuanced, subtle, constructive and non-polemical, all things that are sadly often lacking in radical analyses of all kinds. Keep up the good writing!
Delurking to say congrats on your 100th post! I am excited to read them all and to read what you will be posting in the future!
First things first – I have commented formerly as TMae, but am working on creating a more cohesive internet persona and so am moving all commenting to the new moniker.
Ok, now the good stuff! I started reading when I got pregnant, and was drawn in by your feminism, your parenting, and your intelligence. I was learning to integrate "mom" into my identity and reading your posts made me see that I could make the word work for me, I didn't need to smash myself into the "mother" mold.
I've continued reading, with renewed importance since I've discovered that I am going to have a boychild of my own in the fall. My initial response was fear, "HOW can I do this baby justice, when so much of ME is grounded in women?" Through a lot of thought, introspection, and a LOT of examination of the bias that exists in me, I'm beginning to think that being grounded in women, and intentional living will be a great gift for my son.
Thanks for articulating what I'm not able to yet.
I am new but plan to be regular.
Compulsive reading, my daughter just read a load of it too.
Y'all with your "Profile Not Available" are killing me! How can I lurk back, er, follow you back if I don't know where on the web to find you?
Also, told y'all I sucked at comments (though you knew that already). I've just been sitting back and getting a kick out of who's showing up and how much thoughtful stuff y'all have to say. This will be my to-go comment thread for when I need a pick-me-up to keep posting.
So thank you!
A bit behind the masses since I'm catching up on backlog after a month of backpacking, but here goes:
I read, and love, your blog because you talk about issues I think are important for feminism/womanism as well as are fascinating, and give it a personal enough slant to make it feel like I know something about you.
I am not a parent and may never be, but I am interested in theories of child development and thus in parenting. The posts I have loved usually involve a specific event you talk about, like your son wearing black mary-janes, but you then explain in a wonderfully clear way how this relates to larger theories of femisism and just life as a real person.
This blog is a nice change from the feminist blogs that feel like endless stories of all the ways women are being damaged.
So congrats on the 100th post, keep them coming though only as often as you feel like, and I'll keep reading.
(and on a technical note I use an rss feeder, so design or domain make no difference)
Hello! I have just discovered your blog and I AM IN LOVE. I have just read backwards from your most recent post to this one and am most impressed. I like the way you think and I like the way you write.
And the funny thing is that I am in the process of setting up my own feminist-mother-of-son blog, but being something like a perfectionist, it is just sitting there with nothing on it yet because I can't think of what would be good enough for my first post. Reading your blog has – until this post – made me feel even less able to write anything as spectacular as you – but this post has knocked me back into reality, and I reckon I'll just start low and hopefully write something worth reading sometime. I'll let you know when it happens.
Well, congrats on post no. 100. I will be hanging around from now on.
Hi there.