Comments on: We are not bad moms — but are we good moms? http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/ Parenting, privilege, and rethinking the norm Tue, 07 Feb 2012 04:59:48 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Arwyn http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-53159 Arwyn Tue, 21 Dec 2010 06:53:45 +0000 http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-53159 Molly -- That's a straw argument, though. Sarah was implying that what she was talking about was common, common enough to warrant bringing up as a "yes but". Of course you can construct a theoretical parent who ticks all the AP checklists and is still abusive in awful ways, but that's not reality, it's an artificial rhetorical device. (Which is not to say no AP-type parents are ever abusive, either, for there surely are such -- abuse crosses <em>all</em> boundaries.) I disliked the tone of "yea but AP parents ain't all that either", of needing to bring down other parents, and that was what I was responding to. To be fair, I know one and know of a couple other parents who would fit sarah's description, who do the "right things" and yet I look at and my first instinct is to judge negatively (and I don't doubt that some who have seen me out on bad days would say the same of me). But I don't think that sort of judgment is helpful or useful, and I find bringing up the existence of such cases in this context irritating in a "well, duh" kind of way. It's a little like "Apples are good!" "Yeah, but it's important to remember that poisoned apples are bad!" "Um, yes...?" It's a derailing tactic, whether meant that way or not. Molly — That’s a straw argument, though. Sarah was implying that what she was talking about was common, common enough to warrant bringing up as a “yes but”. Of course you can construct a theoretical parent who ticks all the AP checklists and is still abusive in awful ways, but that’s not reality, it’s an artificial rhetorical device. (Which is not to say no AP-type parents are ever abusive, either, for there surely are such — abuse crosses all boundaries.) I disliked the tone of “yea but AP parents ain’t all that either”, of needing to bring down other parents, and that was what I was responding to.

To be fair, I know one and know of a couple other parents who would fit sarah’s description, who do the “right things” and yet I look at and my first instinct is to judge negatively (and I don’t doubt that some who have seen me out on bad days would say the same of me). But I don’t think that sort of judgment is helpful or useful, and I find bringing up the existence of such cases in this context irritating in a “well, duh” kind of way. It’s a little like “Apples are good!” “Yeah, but it’s important to remember that poisoned apples are bad!” “Um, yes…?” It’s a derailing tactic, whether meant that way or not.

]]> By: Molly http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-53137 Molly Tue, 21 Dec 2010 05:12:38 +0000 http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-53137 If you breastfeed, do attachment parenting, cloth diaper and never let him watch TV, but don't bathe him, allow him to abuse property and people and occasionally beat the crap out of him when you can't take his behavior any longer... where do you stand? See? You can do all these great things and still do other, unrelated things that are not healthy. That's what I got from that poster's comment. If you breastfeed, do attachment parenting, cloth diaper and never let him watch TV, but don’t bathe him, allow him to abuse property and people and occasionally beat the crap out of him when you can’t take his behavior any longer… where do you stand? See? You can do all these great things and still do other, unrelated things that are not healthy. That’s what I got from that poster’s comment.

]]> By: Mama Bravery http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-32025 Mama Bravery Sun, 17 Oct 2010 15:46:28 +0000 http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-32025 I wandered over here from that other, more popular post, in fact, because I was inspired to reply to the very comment you expand upon here. "...what might make you a revolutionary is to let go of both the fear of being a bad mom, and the need to be a good mom." Fantastic. The very idea of a Good Mom only implies that there is also a Bad Mom. The minute I made a decision to never, ever think of myself as either good or bad, it was as if a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Not that parenting is any easier, of course, but at least I know what Kind of Mom I am now: Little Bravery's Mom. I owe it to him and me to try to be the bravest and most honest I can...but I am a person, and he is a person, and we have a relationship. He deserves to know the real me. I wandered over here from that other, more popular post, in fact, because I was inspired to reply to the very comment you expand upon here.

“…what might make you a revolutionary is to let go of both the fear of being a bad mom, and the need to be a good mom.”

Fantastic. The very idea of a Good Mom only implies that there is also a Bad Mom. The minute I made a decision to never, ever think of myself as either good or bad, it was as if a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Not that parenting is any easier, of course, but at least I know what Kind of Mom I am now: Little Bravery’s Mom. I owe it to him and me to try to be the bravest and most honest I can…but I am a person, and he is a person, and we have a relationship. He deserves to know the real me.

]]> By: Grey is not really a delicious cup of coffee. http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-337 Grey is not really a delicious cup of coffee. Sun, 24 May 2009 00:18:43 +0000 http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-337 "But what might make you a revolutionary is to let go of both the fear of being a bad mom, and the need to be a good mom. Let go of the good mom/bad mom hierarchy altogether. Just be a mom -- a bad-ass mom in your own right -- and tell the hierarchy it can go to hell."<br /><br />This brought me to tears. (I'm a single mother of three boys, and it is very easy to fall into the "bad mom" trap when days are stressful. “But what might make you a revolutionary is to let go of both the fear of being a bad mom, and the need to be a good mom. Let go of the good mom/bad mom hierarchy altogether. Just be a mom — a bad-ass mom in your own right — and tell the hierarchy it can go to hell.”

This brought me to tears. (I’m a single mother of three boys, and it is very easy to fall into the “bad mom” trap when days are stressful.

]]> By: Charndra at Part Time EC http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-317 Charndra at Part Time EC Thu, 07 May 2009 22:49:00 +0000 http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-317 "But what might make you a revolutionary is to let go of both the fear of being a bad mom, and the need to be a good mom. Let go of the good mom/bad mom hierarchy altogether. Just be a mom -- a bad-ass mom in your own right -- and tell the hierarchy it can go to hell."<br /><br />Very Well Said.<br /><br />I too refuse to follow the good / bad mother thing - I can't stand the term 'mother guilt' that is thrown about willy-nilly as something we are SUPPOSED to feel - no thanks, I may regret this or that, but I don't feel guilt over it - It's all a journey - I regret the disposables in landfill that we have contributed, but I don't feel guilt - I feel good about all those we have kept out of landfil due to practicing EC and using modern cloth nappies!<br /><br />Charndra “But what might make you a revolutionary is to let go of both the fear of being a bad mom, and the need to be a good mom. Let go of the good mom/bad mom hierarchy altogether. Just be a mom — a bad-ass mom in your own right — and tell the hierarchy it can go to hell.”

Very Well Said.

I too refuse to follow the good / bad mother thing – I can’t stand the term ‘mother guilt’ that is thrown about willy-nilly as something we are SUPPOSED to feel – no thanks, I may regret this or that, but I don’t feel guilt over it – It’s all a journey – I regret the disposables in landfill that we have contributed, but I don’t feel guilt – I feel good about all those we have kept out of landfil due to practicing EC and using modern cloth nappies!

Charndra

]]> By: Rachel http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-316 Rachel Thu, 07 May 2009 03:53:00 +0000 http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-316 Love how you stretch my brain. Love how you stretch my brain.

]]> By: Breeze http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-313 Breeze Wed, 06 May 2009 04:21:00 +0000 http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/05/we-are-not-bad-moms-but-are-we-good-moms/#comment-313 Fantastic post! Absolutely wonderful. Be the mom you are and move along..perfect!<br /><br />Another good one!<br /><br />Breeze Fantastic post! Absolutely wonderful. Be the mom you are and move along..perfect!

Another good one!

Breeze

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