I will, however, happily talk about and promote biologically appropriate infant care, environmentalism, simple living, feminism, etc, because those are values I care about. I’m just not a fan of labels, and really not a fan of checklists.

(The difference between checklists, labels, and values: “I EC, EBF, GD, UC, babywear and cosleep” is a checklist statement. “I’m an attachment parent” is a label statement. A values statement is best made without words, and demonstrated by the way one treats one’s child, both in moment-to-moment interactions and in big-picture decisions. This is why values are the most important to me, and require the most time and investment to discover — but they’re also the most authentic.)

“knitting feminist fulltime parent, Wiccan science-minded woowoo massage student, queer-identified male-partnered monogamist, body-loving healthy-eating fat chick, unmedicated sane and stable bipolar”

Is that not a checklist? :P

So I do think it’s superficial, but I can see why people do it. As a new parent, I had my AP-checklist ALL over my MySpace page because that was my LIFE at the time. Now that my daughter is nearing three, I’m not breastfeeding anymore, I’m moving her into her own room, I don’t wear her as often… but most of all, I have interests outside of my child now whereas then I really didn’t.

I think I became very wrapped up in the checklist mentality then because I was so convinced that what I was doing was RIGHT and may have blown off some “AP-fail” parents which may have resulted in excellent friendships had I not been so superficial. I am proud to announce that I am no longer making that mistake. I met a mother about six months ago that I instantly bonded with and it was months before I even noticed the MAJOR differences in our parenting because it just wasn’t important enough to compare. What would be the point besides to judge her, you know?

(Sorry this is so long, I’m sure half of this is unnecessary, lol. I can get kinda wordy at 5am.)

Yes, the superficialities can absolutely be great icebreakers, and are useful in that they might lead to uncovering whole underwater glaciers of similarities and compatibilities (or was that the wrong metaphor?). But, because what’s underneath the water might or might not be accurately reflected by what’s underneath, relying on those external indicators — the checklist boxes — can lead us into making colossal (Titanic, if you will) errors, writing off people who might be perfect for us (or getting into fights with our kids over things we should be happy for them about), or having us cling to groups that aren’t really good for us (or ignoring that our straight-A student is also an anti-feminist selfish weanie).

So yea, absolutely if I see someone at the park with a wee baby on her back in a wrap (or lovely pit hair peeking out from under her tank top, or a rainbow bumper sticker on her bio-diesel volvo), I’m going to sidle over to her and strike up a conversation in a way that I wouldn’t with someone bottle-feeding an infant in a baby-bucket. And I might even be “right” to write off the bottle feeder, because unless there’s an underlying story there (special needs infant and the mom’s on chemo, as an example), we probably don’t have much in common, at least in parenting philosophies.

But the point is more that, well, you can’t judge a book by its cover, I guess. I really do look for friends who value breastfeeding, and attachment, and environmentalism, and women’s rights, and that’s not going to stop anytime soon, so this isn’t an exhortation to just love everyone kumbaya (although, y’know, do); rather, it’s just a reminder that I can’t tell who cares about attachment just by checking off a list of what they did with their kids. One of the most attachment-minded women I know almost never used a carrier, did use a bucket in a stroller, had her breastfed, pacifier-addicted baby on a schedule, and bought both a crib and a bassinet before her child was born. She’s an AP-checklist fail. But I swear to high holy heathen heaven, she is a better, more attached mom that I am, even if I could get a near-perfect score on stupid crunchy quizzes and she couldn’t. And I love her to pieces.

And I can think of a dozen more examples, for every label you care to name. People might surprise you. They regularly shock the shit out of me, mostly in fabulously awesome ways.

That’s my point.