(Inspired by an off-hand comment from a friend of mine, but applicable to pretty much every mom I’ve ever met. Very, very few of the dads, though. And no, that is not a coincidence.)
Allowing, or even encouraging, your toddler to watch TV does not make you a bad mom (or mum).
Using disposable diapers/nappies, whether regularly or occasionally, does not make you a bad mom.
Pushing your child around in a stroller does not make you a bad mom.
Using bribes or coercion or even lying to your child does not make you a bad mom.
Sending your child to daycare or public school, whether so you can work or just because you need the break — all together now! — does not make you a bad mom.
I am a TV-free advocate. I am an Elimination Communication (with cloth diaper back up) enthusiast. I adore and enjoy teaching babywearing, and prove daily that a stroller is not an essential baby-accessory (we don’t own one at all). I firmly believe in unconditional parenting (and unconditionality), and strive for consensual living. I believe in attachment theory (about the same way I believe in the theory of gravity), and advocate for attachment parenting, and think the public school system, in the US at least, is fundamentally flawed.
But parenting — life — is not a checklist. It is not a competition. And you are not a bad mom.
This is not to say that anything goes, or that having ideals and standards and beliefs and goals is wrong, or mistaken, or pointless. Far from it; I am, as the above list shows, a fan of ideals and standards and beliefs and goals. This is not to say there are not right and wrong choices in parenting (feeding your kids is right, beating them is wrong); it is not to say there are not things better and worse for kids (exclusive breastfeeding for the first half-year is better, yelling at them for developmentally appropriate behavior is worse). Rather, it is to plea with all those reading to recognize that even making a “bad” choice does not make you a bad mom. Even if we agree that a particular choice or action is less than ideal (today I have yelled at my child, threatened him, bribed him, ignored his cries, and generally made some less than stellar parenting choices), making that choice, or doing that action, or failing to meet that standard, does not make you a bad mom.
The whole world is filled with people who are eager to tell us what a bad job we are doing, that we are ruining our children, that we as women are inferior, that we are incompetent, that we are hated, that we can never be good enough, that mothers are worthless, that we are worthless mothers, that mother love is instinctual, that mothers must be perfect, that if we achieve perfection it is no big deal, that if we fall from perfection we are broken, that we are bad moms.
These are lies. These are misogynistic lies, put forth by the patriarchy. And we swallow them whole, and we spit them back out, at each other, at ourselves.
Don’t do the patriarchy’s work for it. Reject the lies. If you let your toddler watch TV, even if you don’t like that s/he watches, that’s OK. If you don’t feel guilty letting your toddler watch TV, that’s OK too. (If you try to argue with me that there’s nothing wrong on a large scale with infant TV watching, I’ll argue back, but no way am I going to tell you what to do in your own life.) You are not a bad mom. You do not have to call yourself a bad mom when you admit it, as though it were some kind of protective amulet (mothers are hardly the only ones who do this: it’s just shades of “yes massa” “I’m just a silly blonde” “you know how we Jews are”); you may get a pat on the back from the patriarchy, but all it does is perpetuate the hate. And you are still being oppressed.
What we do is not who we are. What we do in the early years of parenting our children really is not who we are. Our choices matter, yes; activism and advocacy matter; and there really are bad moms out there.
But really? We don’t need to prefix or suffix our “failures” with self-flaggelation. If parking your kid in front of the TV so you can get a break (or cook dinner, or take a shower, or just because they enjoy it) is the worst you do on a regular basis, I can say with all confidence you are not a bad mom.
Thumb your nose at the patriarchy: next time the words “bad mom” start to fall from your lips, change it to bad-ass mom. Because you are.
Arwyn
In my bathroom hangs a plaque with a picture of a yin yang and the word BALANCE. I can never get it to hang straight. This probably says something deep and meaningful about my life.
“Bad-ass mom”! Thank you.
I feel like I bookmark almost every post you make. Great post, great sentiment. Thanks.
Yes! Thank you! I became a much BETTER mom the second I let go of everybody elses judgement! Being a mother is hard, the judgement makes it almost impossible. The patriarchy can kiss my rather wide arse!
xxx000
Breeze!
Very well said! I think something like this should come with each child. And then as the child grows, we need the reminder constantly. It’s so very easy to look back on the day and go “wtf was I thinking?!”
Thank you!
I found you through the TV-free forum on MDC. This post is perfect–and exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you for your words.
What? Someone called herself a Bad Mum for letting her two year old watch TV? Who would *do* such a thing!?
Thanks, me lovely! xxx
This is amazing, I love it. I think I will search out reasons to refer to myself as a ‘bad-ass mom’ on a regular basis.
And *you* are the baddest-assed mom out there for writing this.
xoxo
Hee. Thank you.
Inspiring! I’m changing my Facebook status and linking to your post.
Wow, I hit a chord with this one! Thanks for all the love. ^_^ Feel free to link away; it’s a message that could sure do with some sharing (I know I need to hear it regularly!).
(Ruth — only a bad-ass mum would, of course.
)
Well said!
Hear! Hear! Just what I needed to read today.
Thank you so much for posting this. I agree with your wholeheartedly.
I am being divorced at the moment, by my husband of 18 years, because I was a bad mom, wife, partner, woman and person for many of the reasons you cite. The reconstructing of my sense of worth will be supported, thank you, by the likes of you in the world who know better about me … while I still question. This was a brilliant post. Thank you.
A friend of mine linked to this post, so I had to come over and reait it. I love it!!! Thank you for writing it and sharing it. I couldn’t agree more.
I am so linking to this post…it is SO true…why don’t more moms get it?
K.
Thanks. I generally think of myself as a great mom, trying so hard to do what’s best for my son. Then I have those bad days, and it is so tempting to flagellate myself with “I’m such a bad mom” even though I know it’s not true. I know it’s so bad to do that to myself. I don’t think I can say “I’m a bad-ass” mom when I’ve just done something wrong, but maybe I can say “I’m better than that, I rock, I’ll do better next time”? I don’t know, but I am a perfectionist and I do need help with this!
Thank you for this post!
There is a corollary to this post that I think should also be said. Babywearing, breastfeeding, EC, etc. don’t necessarily make you a good mom. There is a world of hurt you can bring on your child even if you practice those parenting techniques, they don’t inure anyone from the negative aspects of parenting.
I just feel like this needs to be said (and repeated over and over) as I see my friends lulled into a false sense of safety and superiority because they subscribe to a certain set of parenting practices. We need to constantly challenge ourselves to look past our more superficial lifestyle choices to how our personalities, histories, family structures, and communities impact our children in a way that is beyond our control.
I was having an “I’m a bad mom” moment today because of the lovely in-laws. You made me feel better. Thanks!
Thank you, so much. x
I just saw this now while checking out your new site. Wow! Thank you!
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