But between trying to stay connected with friends (some of whom are going through some interesting stuff, stuff I’ve been through before and am happy to lend a shoulder of support for, and a tiny horrible part of me is jumping with joy that it’s not me! for once! it’s not meeeee!), having classes two nights in a row — each having way more homework than both classes together last quarter –, trying to pull at least a fraction of my weight at my volunteer job, finally waking up to it being spring and finally hacking back the rose bushes about three years overdue for a grooming, having A Conversation with my mother, who finally decided to read my blog and Talk With Me about it (hi mom!), getting lost meandering the blogosphere, catching up on BSG, trying to not eat out or buy Starbucks every damn day, trying to keep the child alive healthy and relatively happy (and not torturing the animals), and attempting to stay at least somewhat connected to my lifemate in some fashion, and, oh, yes, staying sane…
I’ve been a little busy.
I’d say what I need to post is a laptop of my very own, not The Man’s, borrowed when he’s home from work, so that I can compose and clean up posts and add links and publish when I’m home alone with the Boychick, rather than having ideas come to me and shelving them so I don’t damage my thumbs (again) trying to type them in to the iPhone and end up losing them and kicking myself and rarely actually getting a post up; and that would be part of it, but not the whole of it.
I’d say what I need is more time, time alone and time to think and time to sit down and focus, free of distractions, free of a child climbing on me, free of The Man very patiently not saying anything because he knows how important this is to me, but still being there, waiting, waiting, eventually resenting; and that would be part of it, but not the whole of it.
I’d say what I need is a schedule, some efficiency, some ability to plan my day and manage my time and mark off lists and do all those things Highly Effective People do (whoever they are), rather than stealing my time and wasting my time and sitting down with a plan to write and end up three hours later rousing from a daze of blog reading, five pages of posts I simply must read open in front of me, most on blogs I’ve never heard of before and with no idea how I got there; and that would be part of it, but not the whole of it.
I’d say what I need is some discipline, to be able to say no, that’s too much, I can’t read it all, I can’t respond to it all, I can’t say yes to it all, I can’t even read and watch and write all that I want to, all that would be good for me to, I surely can’t keep up with your blog and yours and yours and yours and this web forum and that tv show, I have to say no, to limit, to reduce, to simplify; and that would be part of it, but not the whole of it.
I’d say what I need is some confidence, to just post what I write and not sit and tinker and fix and review five thousand times each, making one post take five hours (when it was 95% done in half an hour); and that would be part of it, but not the whole of it.
The whole of it is that this is just life. The whole of it is that I am just me. The whole of it is all of the above, and more: that I am scared of failing, scared of succeeding, scared of drawing attention to myself, scared of no one reading, scared to put myself out there, scared of losing myself if I don’t. The whole of it is that, and is simpler than that: I’ve never done consistency well, I’m a procrastinating perfectionist, I’m busy, I have a toddler, I have a life, and when I juggle, as we all must in life, things get dropped.
All so much angst, really. Self-indulgent introspection (a label I’ll never do away with, even when I get around to pruning that ungodly mess over there). Excuses. Explanations. Exculpations. Nothing to see here, move along.
Unless you care to share the secret of having it all: life, home, kid, school, work, blog, self…? Please? I promise I won’t tell anyone. Trust me: I wouldn’t have the time.
Arwyn
In my bathroom hangs a plaque with a picture of a yin yang and the word BALANCE. I can never get it to hang straight. This probably says something deep and meaningful about my life.
Well, if you find out the secret, can you let me know?
Things will always slip and slide. There is never, ever ever enough time to do anything. Unfortunately, often the thing that “slides” is you. (As per your next blog post).
But I also think, sometimes, it’s not others that are our harshest critics. It’s us.
But in terms of keeping up with blogging: well, honestly, I don’t keep up with everyone’s.
I have my “blogs I follow” (which you’ll see at the right hand side of my blog) and every day I have a look to see what others have written. And with the exception of a few blogs from people I consider my online friends, if the posts don’t look that relevant to me and my interests on that day…. I don’t read them. And I don’t feel guilty.
If someone posts something on twitter that looks interesting I’ll read it.
And that’s it.
Blogging itself… well, my main blog gets updated say once or twice a week. I *think* about a post in my head for a long time before I write it, and while I’m thinking I’m doing other things. That saves the editing and re editing. So, when I get to the computer, I just write it down and there we go.
Sometimes my time with Bertie is slightly compromised in that he sits on my knee while I type; he watches telly. I know you’re TV free so this isn’t an option for you. But to be truthful, this doesn’t happen that often, and I don’t consider it as too bad because he is cuddling with me; we’re just doing different things!
Often, my time with Ivan is what gets compromised while I have “me time” either by reading a book, or pointlessly twittering. If he starts to get upset, as occasionally he does (sensitive soul lol) I take that as a gauge of how much time I’m spending doing Mossy-stuff and try to spend a bit more time with him.
The housework suffers most of all. So I tend to do that in a big blitz every so often. As long as the floor is free of dog hair, and there’s enough cutlery in the kitchen to eat, it can wait. So what if the laundry hasn’t been put away for five days and books and toys lie all over the floor?
And I have my paid job every week day morning. It’s not “me time” despite what some people thing, not for me it isn’t, but it is a way of earning money. The walk to work and back from work, however, is a great opportunity for me to compose blog posts in my head!
So there you go. Not having it all at all, but just how I go about stuff. HTH. xxx
Well, at least I'm not the only one. Witness how long it took for me to get around to reading this post.
And, Ruth, laundry not put away for 5 days? Good for you. I put away 5 weeks' worth tonight. And felt good that I could see the floor again, cat hair & dust hippos covering it or no.
Oh, well. Life is messy, and no one I've talked to has claimed to have it all together. But Sam & I often, always, wonder (aloud to each other): How do other people do it? How do they put together their days? What do they leave out to choose the things they do?
We look in awe at the friends we know with neat houses, the friends we know who write prolifically, the friends with busy social lives, the ones with multiple children, the ones in school or in high-power jobs — but I guess what it comes down to is that they aren’t all the same person, and I should stop assuming that they feel more satisfied with themselves than I do with myself.
Sometimes when I’m feeling pressured that I’ve abandoned something that feels urgent but unpalatable (say, housework), I calm myself down by saying that I’ve chosen something else. Even if that something else is goofing off. It feels better if I admit/affirm that I've made that choice intentionally and not just slipped into it from laziness and lack of will. Because then there's no guilt necessary, and I can enjoy the thing I've chosen.
Not to go on and on, but another thing that has helped me is to think of tasks and interests as coming in waves (or spurts?) and that everything doesn't necessarily have to be done on a regular schedule. So, for instance, not writing poetry for a year isn't a bad thing, as long as I take the time to write poetry when I feel I need to. Or, like housework blitzes, as Ruth mentioned. Some people do housework every day, and more power to them, but I think it's also all right to fit it in occasionally. Sometimes I have a yen to do our business finances, eg, so I work feverishly for hours at it. And then a few months will go by before I want to again. I think I'd be "better" if I did it, say, weekly, but I've given up on that "better" thinking and just go with what works. I get our taxes in on time, and that's what counts, right?
P.S. My parents do not know that I blog, for a reason. Ha ha.
P.P.S. "Procrastinating perfectionist." Same here, for both Sam and me. Makes life a little challenging, no?
P.P.P.S. And then I'll stop, promise. I also will obsess over blog posts. I'll think (and say to others): 5 more minutes & I'm done! And three hours later… I wish sometimes I could be more slapdash. And, actually, blogging was supposed to teach me how to be just that! How to be a little less perfectionist, and a little less procrastinating. And yet here I am, still myself. Funny, that.
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