My friend Lisa asked in a comment on another post:
Why do you say your son is “presumably straight”?
It’s a good question, one I realized I haven’t explicitly answered anywhere yet. In thinking about it, it seems to come down to three things:
- He probably is (going to be) straight. Even with a queer-identified mother (which may or may not affect the odds, and if so, doesn’t very much), he has, what, a 90-99% chance of identifying as heterosexual, depending on whose numbers you believe? So, simply, I use “presumably” because it sounds better than “probably”, and he probably is.
- Although he probably is (going to be) straight, he might not be. Saying he “presumably” is straight is opening up the door to the idea that he might be something other than straight, and hopefully challenges people’s assumptions. Which brings us to:
- In our heterosexist, heteronormative society, he is presumed by the wider culture (to the point of few even being aware of the presumption) to be straight until proven otherwise. While I do my best to resist this presumption, or to counter it when we encounter it, I cannot entirely do away with it, as much as I might wish. I sometimes feel I can hardly do away with it at all. The vast majority of interactions he has with others are and will continue to be based on the presumption that he is (going to be) straight, and this assumption/presumption colors far more than we are usually aware. Whether or not it turns out to be who in fact he is (he might turn out to not be a “he” at all; I could easily add “presumably” in front of male as well), he will be seen by most in his life as a straight white male (yes, even as a toddler; even at birth!), with all the privilege and roles and stereotypes thereof; and it will affect him, subtly and profoundly; and my only hope of countering the damage those role assignments bring lies in first recognizing them.
Thus presumably-straight.
The gender coding of infants is just awful. Nolan used to be mistaken for a girl all the time, and people would say “what an adorable little girl!” If I took the time/inclination to correct them, they would say “oh, well, he’s so strong!” or something of that nature. Hmph.
Good point about how he’s percieved by others, though–I hadn’t drawn that out to its full conclusion.
Thanks for writing this up! Now I see you are talking more about society than you. “Presume” has a negative connotation for me, so it didn’t make sense at all until I read the third part!
Broodmother — at least they didn’t say “Are you sure?” *rolls eyes*
Lisa — I was just reading something about “presume” that I wanted to pass on to you, because I’d love to talk with you more about that, but it seems to have escaped me just at the moment… I do think presumptions (ASSumptions, as they say) can be dangerous, but I’m curious what the negative connotations are for you?
Okay, I must admit that I love this reasoning. When I started reading this, I thought, “But what if he sees this site one day and wonders why his own mother would presume he’s straight?” However that is not the case and the answer lies much deeper than that, in a broken society full of bigots, whether or not they realize they are or intend to be.
For our sons, we actively try not to gender stereotype or make comments on their future sexual preferences. We don’t know what they will be and we never want him to feel like that decision is out of his hands or that he needs to please us. My mom recently came to live with us to help us as we moved across the country and I never realized how greatly our parenting styles clashed until she was with us all the time. She will actually say out loud things about hoping he’s not gay, or that we can’t get something because it’s pink or girly! I’ve been correcting her as it’s happened and she’s been making less comments, but it still enrages me.
i think it’s a great idea to name the presumption, for it then places a question mark over it or at least highlights it. heterosexuality is so naturalised in our societies -it is presented and taken on as a fait accompli, comulsory, therefore in no need of attention!!!
thanks for a great resource
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While I understand your reasoning, I think there is an important difference between probably and presumably. Probability is simple statistics: you are right, he is probably male and probably straight. A presumption rests on some amount of evidence (real or imagined, valid or invalid). If he was 24, dating a woman, and never indicated an attraction to women, he would be presumably straight. A young child has nothing to offer us to allow us to presume one way or the other, all we have is probability. And so while presumably may sound “better” than probably, I am a firm believer that language is important and thus probably is a more accurate descriptor.
I would go a step farther and say that calling a child presumably straight is problematic. We can acknowledge the reality that most children will grow up to be straight, even acknowledge that an individual child while grow up to be straight, without it presuming one to be so. It is an added, unnecessary, and unhelpful pressure to add.
Brian — that’s a good refutation of point 1. above, but ignores my point 3., which I think is the greater: that is, he IS presumed by society to be straight. We his parents do everything in our power to oppose that presumption, but it is true nonetheless; when he is read by strangers as male, they almost inevitably presume he is (or will be) heterosexual. That affects him (adversely, I would argue, whatever his sexuality turns out to be), which I wish to acknowledge, so that we can better negate it.
I saw that and I still stand by my comment.
The world is not raising your child nor is the world writing this blog. As it is the subtitle of your blog, it necessarily says (whether you intend it to or not) that you are the one presuming (even if you aren’t). Words are important, language matters.
I just did some poking around to find an explanation to the “presumably-straight” bit and here i am!
You say that your “only hope of countering the damage those role assignments bring lies in first recognizing them”. And yet, as a new-ish reader of this blog, your subtitle has only served to shape my view that your child is, in fact, a straight cis assigned-male-at-birth person. I do not see how this in any way counters the damage of those assignments. Adding “presumably” without a closely-attached explanation (i.e. not a 1+ year-old post one has to go looking for) actually implies to the “wider culture” you mention that you are part of that culture.
“Presume” just sounds like “assume” to me – and, in fact, the two words have very similar meanings (both by definition & colloquial use).
You mention that you could easily add “presumably” in front of “male” – the question being, why didn’t you?
My impression is that what you really mean by “presumably” is “societally perceived as” (both straight and male). I agree that it is vital to acknowledge those perceptions (those assumptions!) and to counter them. I also think that you are doing many more effective things to that end than adding one ambiguous and misleading word to your blog’s subtitle and i wish you would give it even more thought and careful consideration, especially with an upcoming site design overhaul.
Cheers,
danika