I’ve previously talked about why I am not a SAHM, but in a conversation with a very dear friend yesterday (yay date-nights!), I think I stumbled on another factor in why I don’t claim the label.
As I said to her, I am totally fine saying “I am bisexual”, “I am bipolar”, even “I am a student” (“student” is what I usually put on forms asking for my occupation). But I’ll scratch the eyes out of anyone who calls me a SAHM. I will, sometimes, for shorthand, call myself a “full time parent” (as in my About Me over there), but I try to avoid it. She asked what I do say when the topic comes up, and I answered I say I spend the day with my kid.
And that’s just it: I describe what I do; I do not label who I am based on what I do in parenting. In thinking about it, I also will say I practice attachment parenting, but never say I am ” an attachment parent”, whatever the hell that is (I’m afraid it involves checklists, and my loathing for checklists is vast and fiery enough to demand a whole post for itself).
There’s something very important in that distinction to me, and I think I’ve identified parts if not the whole of it.
First, a la the Feminine Mystique (do I get kicked out of the club if I admit I’ve not yet actually read that book?), there is a danger to making your mothering the whole of your identity. I think, though, that the danger is more when that identity is imposed on you; but in our patriarchal society, which is so invested in fueling “the mommy wars” (is it the mummy wars in England? that paints a rather different picture to my American mind, but that’s beside the point), it’s almost impossible to avoid the imposition of such labels, and if one wishes to, one must actively fight against it. I do not want to resent my child, or make him resent me, by allowing my life, even “just” in my words, to revolve around him. To claim that label is to say something about the order of my world that I do not believe is healthy for either of us.
Second, as I touched on in the previous post, staying at home is something I do, for the moment, not something permanent or essential to who I am. There are a number of reasons I do this for now, but it’s not my ideal or my goal; it is my choice, but a choice constrained by patriarchy; and it is not the only thing I do, and will likely be even less a part of my life in the future: so, it is not a part of my identity. And yet, “student” is; perhaps because there have been so few times in my life when that was not something I was doing, an intrinsic part of my self? The transient nature cannot fully explain but is surely a part of why I reject the label.
Finally, and this may be a holdover from my second wave upbringing, but it’s just not a label I particularly like, nor want to have attached to me. (This is the hardest one for me to say, because I have dearly beloved friends and family who do identify as SAHMs, and it can be so hard to communicate “I don’t like it for me because it seems demeaning” without also coming across as acusatory or judgmental of them, of their choices and their self-identity.) Obviously I don’t think caring for a child full-time and feminism are incompatible, but there does seem to be something incongruous with the proudly claimed label of SAHM and feminism. I honestly don’t know if that’s an accurate criticism (and as always, I blame the patriarchy, for constructing and constricting our choices, never individual women), or a misogynistic, mommy-war holdover in my brain. But either way, it’s just not something I want said about me. It squicks me out. It is not something I value for itself, and thus not something I want to claim about myself.
The construction of identity fascinates me, all the more so because I don’t fully understand it, even in myself. We communicate as much about ourselves by what we leave out as by what we include. Some women are entirely in favor of equality, of fighting sexism, of women’s liberation… and do not identify as feminist. I am a woman who spends the day more or less at home, engaging in the unpaid and largely unsupported employment of raising my child, while my male partner works outside the home to make money for us to have a food and a house and health insurance… and I do not identify as a SAHM. There must be some connection there, something to help me promote the feminist movement, but bugger me if I can make it today.
I so agree with what you are saying. I have used the label, I put it in my blog information and then promptly took it out. I can’t quite place it but I just don’t like it. Perhaps it’s the stay-at-home part as we’re rarely home, plus, it’s really not who I am and it’s certainly not all I do. I also don’t use the AP label, have never told anyone “I’m AP”, I just don’t feel the need. Good post, got me thinking..thanks!
A little off-topic as I can’t comment on the SAHM label yet; I’m a few months into my first pregnancy, so not yet even a mother, but this does speak to concepts of identity.
I’m recently married, about 4 months ago, and the word “wife” is killing me. I cannot figure out how I became a wife. I mean, I understand how it happened…I just haven’t figured out where this new label fits into my identity.
I’m already struggling with how being a mother will impact my identity…I have months to get really worked up about that one…
Brilliant post. I too am a type II bipolar parent-at-home-who-practices-attachment-style…bleh!
I don’t particularly enjoy labels of any kind–mostly because they’re so limiting–but SAHM is particularly repugnant because of the stigma. It’s like pregnancy; once you say, “I’m pregnant,” you open yourself up to criticism and/or advice from every corner of the universe. Are there any other occupations in the world that are questioned like staying at home to parent a child (or children)? I doubt it.
Also, congratulations, TMae!
TMae — you don’t have to accept the label if you don’t like it. Honest. I decided a very long time ago that regardless of marital status, I would never be “a wife”. Partner, yes. Spouse, maybe. Wife, never.
If you want it, that’s fine too, and I wish you the best in integrating it.
I should write sometime about the identity of “mother” and how I’ve integrated that (or not…) into my self-conception.
And yes, congratulations!
Breeze — always good to see you. :)
Broodmother — prostitute, maybe? :p I don’t know, I’m sure other occupations get their share of questioning and judgment; I have no wish to play the who-has-it-worse game, but to be sure, women who have children and no paid employment get a lot of it. (I wish you were still blogging; I’d love to be able to compare notes!)
Perhaps the connection you were trying to make to feminism at the end is this: feminism is about every woman having the right to define herself. You are doing this, as are your SAHM friends – that is very feminist. What feminism is not about is prescribing a new way for all women to be, which is precisely why you respect the self-definition of your SAHM friends and they should (and do?) respect yours.
Broodmother & Arwyn – Thanks!
Arwyn, I don't know if I want to be a wife, or not. Why? Because I have a concept of "wife" as I'm sure most people do, same as concepts of "mother" or SAHM, and my concept probably isn't the same as theirs. I want to re-define the label to encompass my life, but am concerned that the label will encompass me.
I'm good at giving the metaphorical (sometimes not so metaphorical) finger to people who sit in judgment of me, and my choices; I happily learned decades ago that I'm always going to piss someone off, but something about wife makes me want to pound my fists against the wall and scream, "That's not who I am!!!"
But is MY concept of wife accurate? Am I refusing to allow the word to expand to fit me? Am I guilty of making it a bad word because I envision June Cleaver? Does it have to be that way?
And if I DO embrace it, do people see me as I am, or do they see me through their wife filter?
Uh huh…I'm working up the nerve to start my own blog…because I clearly have a LOT to say about this.
I love this blog, btw. I found it shortly after you started it, and have been reading it compulsively. I like what you have to say, and how you say it. Thank you for that.
TMae — I’m a bit of a word geek, and so for me, it came down to the words “wife” and “husband” themselves. “Husband” is a verb meaning to manage or conserve; it comes from a word meaning the master of the house; its modern remnant outside of marriage is “animal husbandry”, where husband refers to “overseeing the care and breeding of”. “Wife” is a noun meaning “woman”; its modern holdover is seen in midwife, lit. “with woman”. Man as actor, woman as object; this is why the choice to never be “a wife”, certainly not in a relationship with a man, was easy for me.
And yes, please do start blogging, and let me know where! It sounds trite, but truly thank you for reading.
Ursa — there may be something to that, thank you.