First, it was pretty much a no-brainer that we were getting the Boychick a doll for Solstice. He likes dolls at other people’s houses, he plays with his own bunnies and monkeys frequently, asks to wear said toys, nurses them and potties them and walks up and down the hall shushing them (wonder where he got that one…). Boy needed a doll; therefore, boy was going to get a doll.
Neither The Man nor I have any of the objections to or hangups around boys with dolls frequently found in our patriarchal society. So we figured it should be simple, even if we were a little picky: we wanted soft, natural fibers; neutral facial expression; a good size for holding (14 or 16″, we figured, based on measuring other toys of his); able to sit; male; anatomically correct preferred but not required. We had a good size budget, access to the whole internet. Easy peasy, right?
Well, no. Maybe if we’d not waited until the last minute, and took the time to custom order a doll, we would have been set. But by the time we were looking, all the custom slots were for, oh, March. And most of them were outside even our generous budget (triple digit prices for a soft fabric doll? maybe when it’s not for a not-even-two year old). We did in fact find beautiful dolls made locally that would have been perfect — except the price. On Etsy we could find reasonable priced custom dolls — but then there was that wait-list thing.
So, prefab dolls it is. That’s fine, lots of choices there. Nova Natural alone sells, what, three, four brands? And this is when we could no longer ignore the astounding gender disparity among dolls. They’re made in about a 3-1 ratio of girl to boy just in terms of selection options, and that’s not even looking at the numbers of dolls made or sold. We knew we wanted a boy doll, even if we’d given up on the wee penis, because we didn’t want the Boychick to think only girls were soft and doll-like, plus we wanted him to identify with the doll, and as far as we know, he’s a boy.
Thus our choices were limited in the male-doll department. And thus we came to race…
Do we get him a White doll? Or a doll of color? A Black doll? Or sort of split the difference and get a light-brown-skin doll? We couldn’t get a doll that looked just like him (there were White dolls aplenty, but none with his lovely complex grey-green eyes), we weren’t about to get the Perfect Aryan Nation blond hair blue eyed doll, ’cause that was just too squicky, but then… what? If we get him a doll that doesn’t look like him, why not a doll that really doesn’t look like him? Wouldn’t diversity in his doll collection be good? Invisibility is the most basic form of discrimination, so wouldn’t a black doll be showing that we’re trying to Do Things Right? Anyway, his favorite book character is Little Pumpkin from More More More Said the Baby (don’t ask us why, he’s never told us; because s/he loses hir shoes? because s/he’s black? because s/he has a grandma? just because?), so maybe he’d like a doll just like hir? Nothing wrong with a white kid playing with a black doll, right? That’s just racist thinking, right?
Except…
We live in the whitest damn city in the US (no wait, now only the fifth whitest damn city). Very, very few of the children the Boychick plays with are children of color. This both makes it very important that he sees the full spectrum of humanity, but it also makes it set off my squickometer when the most frequent interaction with a being of color would be his plaything to do with what he will. Is that body of color, in doll form though it may be, ours to appropriate for our child’s play? What is the line between appreciation and appropriation? Between exploration and exploitation? Doesn’t it set off anyone else’s bells to have a blond-haired presumably-straight white male only play with a body of color as his toy? Does it support the Waldorf-is-for-Whites-only ideology to buy a White Waldorf-style doll? Is this white guilt talking, or an awareness of white privilege? Is this justifying racism, or trying to avoid it?
I don’t know. We didn’t know. Nothing we chose felt quite right. We were safe when we were planning on getting him a doll that looked Just Like Him. We even felt safe looking at a doll with dark hair (which he eventually will have; we don’t stay blond in either of our families) and dark eyes, or a doll with light brown skin and sandy brown hair with eyes like his. But when the choices came down to blond haired blue eyed, or Black, or White that otherwise had nothing in common with him… it felt like there were no right choices. Every option was fraught with race implications. Every choice could be seen to be wrong.
In the end, we went with the red-haired, brown-eyed White doll. Why? Because the dolls in the size we wanted that we could afford were White. Four girls, two boys, all White, White, White. We weren’t touching the so-blond-it-was-white blue-eyed doll, we wanted a doll big enough for him to play with, we couldn’t afford the ones that had dolls of many colors, so that’s what we bought. Neatly side-stepping the whole thorny race-issue (thank you, white privilege), neatly supporting a company with a racist selection (or non-selection) of dolls.
And the Boychick likes him. We’ve named him Ira (“what’s your dolly’s name?” “eye!” “eye?” “eye!” “that’s your dolly’s name?” “eye!” “um… well, we could go with Ira, I guess…” and it stuck). He spends most of his time tossing him in the air or throwing him on the floor, but that’s OK. He’s also nursed him, and worn him, and fed him, and undressed and dressed him, and pottied him, and brushed his hair, and done all the things we were hoping he’d get to do with him. As Solstice presents go, it was a success, even if not quite as cool as his play kitchen.
I don’t know if we made the right decision. I don’t know if there was a right decision. “Raise boy anti-sexist with open, flexible gender roles”: check. “Raise White child anti-racist with white privilege awareness and racial sensitivity”: …maybe not so much. I don’t know. I just know that my boy has a doll, and I’m stumbling around in the dark — no, in a light so White it’s blinding my way.
Arwyn
In my bathroom hangs a plaque with a picture of a yin yang and the word BALANCE. I can never get it to hang straight. This probably says something deep and meaningful about my life.
Hi, Jason from Nova Natural here.
I am a little confused about your assessment of the dolls that we sell. We sell gender neutral (bambino, cuddle doll, etc.) as well as gendered (little friends, big friends, waldorf dolls) which span a price range from $20-115. Gender neutral dolls come in light and dark skin. Waldorf dolls come in equal numbers of boys + girls and also come in a range of skin tones. Big Friends do lack a dark skin option, but feature Sasha and Louis, dolls which are definitely Latina/o in flavor.
Perhaps I misunderstood your assessment of our offerings, but I think that we are at least making an effort.
If there is some way in which we can improve our selection, please feel free to contact me directly.
-jason
Hi Jason,
I do believe that your company is making an effort, which is why we gave (and will continue to give) you our business. The comment on “racist (non)selection of dolls” was aimed at the manufacturer of the Big Friends dolls, which is what we ultimate purchased (Louis, in fact, though I strongly disagree there is anything Latino in flavor about him; brown eyes and red-brown hair with pale pale skin does not a Latino make, though there may be Latinos with those features), as we could not afford the Waldorf dolls and none of the others met our requirements.
The gender disparity comment was about the broader selection options of dolls, especially on, say, Etsy, rather than about your company in particular (although on re-read, I understand the confusion), though again, the Big Friends dolls come in a 4 female, 2 male ratio.
This was not an indictment of your company at all, just a description of our journey and the race and gender implications thereof. I mentioned your company only in passing, and linked to it only because I would recommend it in general.
Thanks for stopping by.
-Arwyn
When Ruby got her first doll… my mom made it for her and she made it to look like her. So if she had come out of me with red hair and a penis that is what it would have looked like (except my moms dolls don’t have genitals. lol) It’s a girl-ish doll in that she looks like a girl, but has pretty neutral hair. I love that she has a doll that looks like her… but am getting her other dolls that look like other people too.
This year for xmas my mom found my fave doll and made her a new dress and gifted her to Ruby. sniff!
I have always noticed in the doll aisle that there are v few boy dolls. Now, the companies do not have to be marketing to boys, but what about the fact that baby boys exist in general? What is that saying to girls, that all babies are girls? Makes no sense. Also, yes, *why are* they all blonde-haired, blue-eyed? I always wondered that as a brown-haired, brown-eyed little girl. Of course, I gave birth to a blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby girl, so, lucky for her, all the dolls look like her right now :p
I noticed a lot w/ the Kathe Kruse dolls, which I love, that almost all are white. DD has a Nicki Baby & they are all white. I really love the smallish baby girls that line has, one is black & SO ADORABLE, the other is white-blonde, perfect for my little baby as it does look like her. It would be able to be nice to afford both one day, HAHA, but kinda weird, as an all-white family, to only buy her the black one, I think. Kind of patronizing, although she really is the cuter of the two.
I am sad that there are not more cloth boy dolls. And $100??? For a DOLL??? It had better be made out of spun gold! I don't really care how well it is made, that is criminal to charge that much for a doll. Even $40 is A LOT. I get made fun of terribly for having bought a Nicki Baby at $20 ~ basically for a Beanie Baby ~ that has been bad enough! So, hmm, yes, seems like this whole doll business gives us too much to get worked up about!
I have every distinct memories of a phone conversation with my (quite conservative) grandmother about the Cabbage Patch Doll she intended to buy me for my third birthday.
"What sort of dolly would you like" she asked my almost three year old self.
I was VERY definite. "A black one with teeth and dimples."
At THREE I could read the scandalised tone in her voice. "But wouldn't you like a white one, with brown hair and freckles like you?"
"NO! I want a black one with teeth and dimples!"
Said doll was duly produced, and yes, she was black with teeth and dimples.
My grandmother bought me one of those Cornsilk Hair versions a few years later, who was an Aryan Nation sort.
[I spent quite a few years as a little girl angsting over the fact that I didn't look anything like any of the (blonde, blue-eyed) princesses in my stories.]
I guess there is no perfect solution when buying a doll for your son. Our boy has acquired a variety of dolls and stuffed animals over the last year of his life – the solution was to get a whole bunch for variety. He has two white boy dolls (one bald, one with brown hair), a brown skinned girl doll with dread locks, and a bald black girl baby doll. But budget wasn’t really a concern since they were all yard sale gems
How interesting that I just came upon this entry today! I have been having an internal battle over this same issue! My son’s first birthday is coming up and I wanted to buy him a doll. Part of it is because he seems to enjoy the little “block people” that came with his blocks, and part of it is because I want to expose him to different kinds of play.
So, I set about to find a cloth doll, gender-neutral, not White. Couldn’t find one. Turned to plush dolls. I was disgusted to see that “Latino” Cabbage Patch dolls are cheaper than the White ones, and that the Black CP dolls are even less expensive than the Latino ones. What kind of a message does THAT send?! So, I skipped over those.
I really wanted a Latino doll, b/c I am bi-racial Latina, but all of the so-called Latino dolls I found are not really Latino at all. To that end, Jason: why make Latina/o dolls if you’re going to give them White names? There’s nothing Latino about Sasha or Louis. Names are as important as the skin color.
So, I think we’ve settled on an African American/Black boy doll from Kaboodle. I hear your internal battle about race, but I always had dolls of different ethnicities growing up and maybe I can use this doll to spark conversation down the road with my son. I understand the message that it could send, as you pointed out, but I’m hoping that with continued discussion in our home that that won’t be the message it sends.
I was tempted to buy a doll from Multicultural Kids inc., because they come with differently-abled “accessories.” I realize this is perhaps an even more blatant issue than a White child playing with a Black doll. However, as a differently-abled person myself, I appreciate it. I think we need to start conversations with our children young about different abilities, and to help them see everyone as beautiful and capable, and that dolls can play a big role in that.
What are your thoughts?