Hellen G commented on my post “there’s my rabbit Bob…” that:
many trans people know from a very early age that they have a gender identity issue, even if we don’t necessarily have the words to describe it – I was about 5 when I knew that ‘something wasn’t right’ about my body…
Another person I was talking with in the last week said that she knew she was attracted only to other girls by five, as much as a five year old can be (theirs may be an immature sexuality, but it is real nonetheless).
The only reason at age five I didn’t know my own sexuality was because I had no word for it, no admittance in my culture that it even existed. By the time I was five, I knew I was attracted to boys and girls (and genderqueers and androgynes and other variations, as much as they showed up in suburban kindergarten land), but it wasn’t until a decade later that I had a word for it. I knew most girls liked boys, and some girls liked just girls, but no one liked both. I thought there was something wrong with me, because there were no words for what I was, no bisexuals in my story books, no bi parents, no bi pride marches.
There were straights, and I wasn’t that, and there were gays, and I wasn’t that either, and there were sluts, of course, but that definitely wasn’t me. I didn’t even kiss anyone (except for my best friend when she and I were 5, hidden under my parents’ waterbed) until The Man. I had no one at all in my culture to connect to, so I wasn’t bisexual or pansexual or plain ol’ happy queer, I was just a confused mess, wondering why I dreamed both about Wesley Crusher and Xena, Warrior Princess.
And I grew up in a fairly gay-friendly progressive household, and I knew that I wouldn’t be kicked out if I came out as queer. I found out years after I came out (with reactions from my friends ranging from “uh huh” to “duh” — I wasn’t exactly good at hiding my queerness in the first place) that my own mother was bisexual, but as a monogamous married woman with kids didn’t think it was “worth it” to be out, it “didn’t matter”.
I still sometimes feel like screaming at her “of course it fucking mattered! I could have saved myself a decade of pain and confusion if you were out!” I needed someone, anyone, to say to me “these people exist. this sexuality, this gender, these intrinsic inclinations are normal.” And I was ready to hear that by age five. Helen was ready to hear that by age five.
This is why it matters when our kids’ books have only white, able-bodied, neurotypical, cisgendered, gender-stereotyped characters. This is why it matters that we talk with our toddlers and our preschoolers about diversity and gender and sexuality and race and privilege, to the best of our ability, in ways they can understand. They may not know exactly what they are inside yet, they may not know exactly what race means yet or exactly what sex is yet, so it might seem to “not matter”, but so, so soon they will. And their friends will. And we need to give them the words to explain it, and the room to celebrate it.
I hadn’t thought of all of these things until I had a child and came out myself. I am in a monogamous marriage to a straight male, but I’m attracted to men and women. My daughter will say sometimes that she is a boy or she has a penis. Once she pointed to her clitoris when I asked where her penis was. I tell her that most boys have penises and most girls have yonis. Some girls do have penises, etc etc. I try not to confuse her too much.
What is interesting is when she will look at a picture of a child and classify them as boy/girl. Boys have short hair and girls have long hair. Boys are in construction/sports clothes and girls are in dresses. So frustrating! But she already sees it that way, and she is only 3. I tell her that girls can have short hair and boys can have long hair. And they can each wear whatever clothes they like. The outside forces are so strong, but I’ll never stop modeling equality to her.
Please don’t use the word ‘trannies’. See here and here for why the reclamation of that word doesn’t really work.
I am sorry, I apologize, and I thank you. That was some excellent and challenging reading.
I hesitated over the use of that word, because I wasn’t certain of its status, but ultimately let style and time overcome sense and research, and deserved to be called on it.
I meant to use it in its reclaimed sense, but Taking Up Too Much Space’s point:
The “reclaimed” version of “tranny” only deals with transphobia as it affects trans men and FAAB genderqueers, and leaves the rest of us out in the cold.
is well taken. In thinking back, I was primarily exposed to, and thus was referring to, the playing-with-gender set (those attempting to reclaim it), and thus it makes sense I thought it might be an acceptable term.
Thank you again for the articles.
So I have a question… Why do you say your son is “presumably straight”? Sorry if you have answered this elsewhere! I love your blog and am determined to sit down and read everything I have missed at some point!
Orion does the same thing about hair! I just don’t get it since he has SO many boy friends with long hair! We got these playmobil princes recently that he is determined to view as princesses because of their hair. Then again, they are riding horses and carrying bows, so maybe that isn’t such a bad thing LOL!
Hi Lisa! Long time no see. :D
I say “presumably” basically because it sounds better than “probably”, because that’s what I really mean. The odds are, he’s (going to be) straight. He might not be, as I am entirely aware, but he probably will be, and in this heterosexist culture he certainly is widely presumed to be.
For that matter he is only probably, presumably, male, although the odds are slightly higher on that one.
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